A man walks into a bar
 

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for
another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why
do you keep looking in your pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good
enough, I'll go home."

Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives.

The first said,
I did my wife doggy style - it was great!"

"Doggy style?" said the other guy, why, I do it doggy style every night of the week!!
"Wow!!" said the first guy.

"Yep" he replied
"I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead!!"

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a
Bar in Dublin. She lifted right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,. "What man here will buy lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly eyed drunk named Paddy slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it
down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on
the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me
Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

Paddy replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has
got to be a ballerina"....

A man walks into a bar..... OUCH!!

lol

THANKS! What have you been up to Toby?

Not much, just about to hit the sack.

The "Good" Driver

A patrol car has been following this vehicle for about 30 minutes now, when they finally decide to pull it over. The officer steps out and walks up to the driver's window.

"Good afternoon sir"

"Good afternoon, any problems ?

"No sir. My partner and I have been following and observing you for a half an hour now. We ascertained that you have not committed one single traffic violation, you have not gone over the speed limit by even 1 mph, you were courteous towards the fellow drivers on the road. Therefore, as a part of our new "solid driving awareness program" I would like to present you with this check for $30,000.00."

The driver lets out a big sigh of relief:

"Oh good ! Now I can finally pay to get my driver's license. (Ooops!)"

Awkward silence, then the wife sitting in the passenger seat goes:

"Don't listen to him, officer, he always talks nonsense when he has been drinking."

Grandma who's a little hard of hearing adds from the backseat:

"Aye aye aye, didn't I tell you not to go in a stolen car?"

At this time the trunck pops open and a head peeks out:

"Are we over the border yet?"

Three Wishes

A postdoc, a grad student, and their professor are taking a walk outdoors during lunch when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof! Out pops a genie!

"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison," he says, "I can grant you three wishes- one for each of you."

The postdoc thinks a moment, and then she says, "I'd like to be out sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with a crew of totally buffed-out, gorgeous guys."

"It is done," says the Genie, and Poof! the postdoc disappears.

The grad student thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."

"It is done," says the Genie, and Poof! the grad student disappears.

The professor looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then, he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in lab after lunch."