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Joke of the Day

this is a discussion within the Everything Else Community Forum; Two Mexicans are stuck in the Arizona desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says......... “Hey Pepe, do ...

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Old 07-17-2014, 07:57 PM   #1061
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Re: Joke of the Day

Two Mexicans are stuck in the Arizona desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”

“Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. “

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.”

“Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.”

“Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.”

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 meters, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

“Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!”

“Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? “

“Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush....”
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Old 07-27-2014, 07:12 PM   #1062
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Re: Joke of the Day

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.' 'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different rooster,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence'!
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Old 07-28-2014, 04:13 PM   #1063
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Re: Joke of the Day

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when
the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or
I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said,
"Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid.
Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!
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Old 08-01-2014, 12:45 PM   #1064
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Re: Joke of the Day

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
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Old 08-08-2014, 09:11 PM   #1065
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Re: Joke of the Day

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

“Good man,” the fairy said, “I’ve been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children.”

The man told the fairy, “Well, where I come from we don’t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.”

The fairy looked at the man’s almost toothless grin and — PING!— he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

“What else?” asked the fairy, “Two more to go.”

The refugee claimant now got bolder. “I need a big house with big three-car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country.. I want to bring them all over here” -— and PING— in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

“One more wish,” said the fairy, waving her wand.

“Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans” -—and -— PING — The man was instantly transformed - wearing worn-out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt, and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

“What happened to my new teeth?” he wailed. “Where is my new house?”

The fairy said: “Tough shyt, Amigo, now that you are a white American, you have to fend for yourself.”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."
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Old 08-13-2014, 03:15 PM   #1066
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Re: Joke of the Day

This morning, the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if the United States continued meddling in Syria, Egypt, Libya, and other potential hot spots in the Middle East, they intend to cut off America’s supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T and AOL customer service reps.

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more presidents.

It gonna get ugly, people.
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Old 08-13-2014, 03:17 PM   #1067
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Re: Joke of the Day

Subject: Happy v Unhappy

They're not happy in Gaza ...
They're not happy in Egypt ...
They're not happy in Libya ...
They're not happy in Morocco ...
They're not happy in Iran ...
They're not happy in Iraq ...
They're not happy in Yemen ....
They're not happy in Afghanistan ....
They're not happy in Pakistan ...
They're not happy in Syria ...
They're not happy in Lebanon ...


SO, WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?

They're happy in Australia ...
They're happy in Canada ..
They're happy in England ...
They're happy in France ..
They're happy in Italy ..
They're happy in Germany ...
They're happy in Sweden ..
They're happy in the USA ...
They're happy in Norway ..
They're happy in Holland ...
They're happy in Denmark ...

Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim
and unhappy in every country that is!

AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?

Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.

THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!

AND THEN- They want to change those countries to be like,
THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!

Excuse me, but I can't help wondering...
How damn dumb can you get?
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim
Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
- No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
- More than one mother-in-law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkeys
- You cook over burning camel ****
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
- Then they tell them that "when they die, it all gets better"???

Well No **** Sherlock!....
It's not like it could get much worse!
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”It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” Charles Darwin
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Old 08-28-2014, 06:49 PM   #1068
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Re: Joke of the Day

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks at the other and says: "Does this taste funny to you?"
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Old 08-29-2014, 03:15 PM   #1069
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Re: Joke of the Day

Depression....
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Old 08-29-2014, 05:24 PM   #1070
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Re: Joke of the Day

A flea and a crab (lice) were standing on a corner in Times Square in New York when they decided it was time to go off on separate adventures, and reunite in two weeks.

The flea hopped on a dog, went to the dog's home, visited with the owners, ate food, had a good time and then went back to Times Square.

He waited and waited but no crab.

Finally, a month later the crab showed up, beat up, dirty, bruised and exhausted.

"What happened?" said his flea friend.

"Well, I crawled up some women's leg" said the crab, "got into her crotch, but then she took a bath for 20 minutes and I almost drowned!

Then she put on powder and went out to a bar. Stupid bytch spilled a scotch in her lap and I got drunk.

I fell asleep. Woke up the next day on some trucker's mustache in Illinois!".

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