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Joke of the Day

this is a discussion within the Everything Else Community Forum; It was the first day back at school in Birmingham, England and the teacher began calling out the names of the pupils. “Mustafa al Eih Zeri?” - “Here.” “Achmed El Kabul?” - “Here.” “Fatima Bin Pardin? “ - “Here.” “Ali ...

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Old 10-17-2014, 10:07 PM   #1091
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Re: Joke of the Day

It was the first day back at school in Birmingham, England and the teacher began calling out the names of the pupils.

“Mustafa al Eih Zeri?” - “Here.”

“Achmed El Kabul?” - “Here.”

“Fatima Bin Pardin? “ - “Here.”

“Ali Abdul Olmi?” - “Here.”

“Mohammed Bin Kadir?” - “Here.”

“Ali Son al En?” - Silence in the classroom.

“Ali Son al En?”- Continued silence, as everyone looked around the room .

The teacher repeated the call, “Ali Son al En?”

Then a girl stood up and said,

“Teacher, I think that’s me. It’s pronounced Allison Allen.”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."
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Old 10-20-2014, 09:22 PM   #1092
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Re: Joke of the Day

I want to nominate my daughter for Ebola Czar.

Her recommendation for controlling the spread of the disease is very simple, yet effective

"If it's wet and it isn't yours.....don't touch it."
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Old 10-21-2014, 09:51 PM   #1093
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Re: Joke of the Day

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's$4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,"I can do this job for $7,000.
That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the WhiteHouse official and whispers, "$27,000."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?

"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."
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"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."
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Old 10-22-2014, 08:15 PM   #1094
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Re: Joke of the Day

For some reason I can't help but think that this is how things have been working on the inside of the fence these last few years.
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Old 10-26-2014, 06:20 PM   #1095
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Re: Joke of the Day

Early one morning an elderly retired Marine yelled to his wife: “Honey, come see what I created! It’s an abstract panorama depicting the last 6 years of the Obama presidency”

She yelled back: “Flush the toilet and come eat your breakfast!”
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Old 11-15-2014, 06:30 AM   #1096
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Re: Joke of the Day

A couple take their son to the circus.

After a while the father gets up to get some popcorn.

While he is away the little boy notices something hanging down between the elephants legs.

“Mommy, what is that hanging down on the elephant?”, the boy asks.

The embarrassed mother says “Oh, that’s nothing honey”, and is relieved when the father returns with the popcorn.

Not satisfied with the mother’s answer the little boy waits until his mother leaves to use the bathroom and asks his father “Dad, what is that hanging down between the elephant’s legs?”. Dad answers, “

That’s the elephant’s penis”.

The little boy says, “Well how come when I asked mom she said that it was nothing?”.

Dad leans back and says “Son, I’ve spoiled that woman.”
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"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."
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Old 11-20-2014, 10:35 AM   #1097
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Re: Joke of the Day

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"
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"Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil." - Jerry Garcia
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Old 11-21-2014, 04:42 PM   #1098
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Re: Joke of the Day

A Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Jacksonville.

He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the crap out of an Obama supporter."

The priest says, "My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."
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Old 11-21-2014, 07:24 PM   #1099
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Re: Joke of the Day

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.

Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.

The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."

Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Mexican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it.

He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila.

Then he smells the liquid.

Smells like tequila.

So, he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuela, Consuela, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.

Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip.

It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses.

The result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuela grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink tequila."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Mexican begins to fill the glass and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raised the glass and says, "Because tonight mi amor, you drink from the Bottle.

Arriba !!!

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."
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Old 11-26-2014, 11:24 PM   #1100
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Re: Joke of the Day

Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street.

"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi. "Where you been for the past two weeks? No one seen you around."

"Donna talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna da jail."

"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been in jail for?"

"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna da beach, and the cops come, arresta me and throw me inna jail."

"But dey donna throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!" Luigi countered.

"Yeah, but dissa beach was ascreamin' and akickin' and ayellin'."
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