Crusader

A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend when the telephone rang. After hanging up, she says, "That was Harry, but don't worry -- he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''

Crusader

Three moms, a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were all talking about their daughters.

The brunette said, "I was looking through my daughters things and I found cigarettes, I can't believe my daughter smokes."

The redhead says, "Ladies, I was looking through my daughters things and I found a bottle of liquor, I can't believe my daughter drinks.”

The blonde says, "I was looking through my daughters things and I found a pack of condoms, I can't believe my daughter has a penis!"

Crusader

Little 6-year old John Smith’s parents felt really horny at 11 AM on Sunday and wanted to make love, but had to get John away for at least one hour. They told him to go to the balcony and report all activities of their neighbors for the next hour. Being the innocent, dutiful son he was raised to be, he did as he was told.

His parents amused themselves and then came the formality of the report at 12 PM.

John said, “For the past hour, the Wilsons were watching TV, Mr. Cole was playing the piano, the Johnsons were playing cards together and the Donalds were having sex.”

His parents were shocked! They asked him “How do you know that?” He said, “Their son was out on the balcony too.”

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

A billionaire was having a party at his house, and in his back yard he had a huge pool with great white sharks in it.

He announced to everyone at the party that whoever could swim across the pool without getting attacked could either have all his money, his wife, or his house.

So when everyone got back to talking all of a sudden a guy is in the pool swimming as fast as he can and when he gets to the other side and jumps out.

The billionaire goes, "Holy ****, I didn’t think anyone was going to do it, but anyway, you want the money right?" and the guy says, "No."

So the billionaire says, "Oh, you want my house?” The guy says, “No.” The billionaire says," What, you want my wife, then?"

The guy responds, "Hell no.”

So the billionaire asked, "Well what the **** do you want?"

The guy's still trying to catch his breath says, ”I want the motherf*cker who pushed me in the pool.”

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

WhoDat!656

Two nuns were shopping at a convenience store.

As they passed the beer cooler, one nun said, Wouldn't a nice cold beer or two on a hot summer evening be nice?

The second nun replied, "Yes it would sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer since I am sure it would caused a scene at the register."

"I can handle that without a problem," the other nun replied as she picked up a 6-pack and headed for the register.

The cashier has a surprised look on his face as the 2 nuns put the six-pack of beer on the counter.

"We use beer for washing out hair", the nun explained. "Back at our convent we call it "Catholic Shampoo'."

Without a pause the cashier puts a bag of pretzel sticks in the bag, looks at the nuns, smiles and says, "The curlers are on the house!"

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

dam1953

From 1954 - 1970 my dad owned a small grocery in a small town with a small Catholic school staffed by an order of nuns. We would deliver groceries to the convent on a regular basis. I can attest that the sister's enjoyed their shampoo ice cold.

Crusader

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket. The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home."

WhoDat!656

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.

"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

foreverfan

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students. This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your a$$hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.’