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Joke of the Day

this is a discussion within the Everything Else Community Forum; "What is the difference between a regular chair and an electric chair? A regular chair you get to sit in all the time, every single time alive Electric chair is the last chair you sit in and don't live to ...

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Old 07-31-2017, 11:00 AM   #1291
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Re: Joke of the Day

"What is the difference between a regular chair and an electric chair?

A regular chair you get to sit in all the time, every single time alive

Electric chair is the last chair you sit in and don't live to get out of alive. Get it, regular chair you get out alive and electric chair you get out dead?!"
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Old 07-31-2017, 06:26 PM   #1292
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Re: Joke of the Day

A guy has been very busy over the past 2 years putting his thoughts and ideas together in a book about Golf. He is very proud of the results and in order to market the publication, he is asking friends and family to be the first to own a copy.

Here's the Table of Contents from the new book, "Winning Golf Strategies," which I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I've gained through my own years of experience in the game and observations of my golfing partners.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1 - How to properly line up your Fourth putt.

Chapter 2 - How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.

Chapter 3 - How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker.

Chapter 4 - How to get more distance off the Shank.

Chapter 5 - When to give the Ranger the finger.

Chapter 6 - Using your shadow on the Greens to confuse your opponent.

Chapter 7 - When to implement Handicap Management.

Chapter 8 - Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9 a.m.

Chapter 9 - How to urinate behind a 4" x 4" post .. Undetected.

Chapter 10 - How to rationalize a 6 hour round.

Chapter 11 - How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.

Chapter 12 - Why your spouse doesn't care that you birdied the 5th.

Chapter 13 - How to let a Foursome play through your Twosome.

Chapter 14 - How to relax when you are hitting three off the Tee.

Chapter 15 - When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.

Chapter 16 - God and the meaning of The Birdie-To- Bogey Putt.

Chapter 17 - When to regrip your Ball Retriever.

Chapter 18 - Use a strong grip on the Hand Wedge and Weak Slip on the Foot Wedge.

Chapter 19 - Why male golfers will pay $5.00 a beer from the Cart Girl and give her a $3 tip, but will balk at a $3.50 Beer at the 19th Hole and stiff the Bartender
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"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."
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Old 08-05-2017, 12:02 AM   #1293
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Re: Joke of the Day

A man has been working in the same job for years. Time after time, he is passed over for promotion. There are only small pay raises. When he comes home and tells the family the bad news, his wife lays into him with what “the Jones’ have” and they don't. Then the kids start talking enviously about the neighbor's new boat or car or... The poor guy can never do enough to make them happy.

One morning driving to work, stuck in traffic, and after a similar depressing evening sharing the news of yet another lost raise opportunity, he sees a monastery. He thinks “why not?! I've had enough of this rat race!!” He pulls to the curb, leaves the keys in the car and goes in leaving it all behind.

The head monk is glad to accept him. He tells the guy there are some conditions though. “You need to work for your keep”

“No problem” says the man.

“And you need to take a vow of silence. However, once a year you will be allowed to speak just two words”.

“I can easily do that too”, replies the man.

The first year goes by. The man is fitting right in, working in the garden, keeping his bare-bones room clean. In one year, he has not spoken one word.

The head monk calls him in to see him for his annual review. “You are fitting right in and doing a fine job here. Today is the day you get to speak your two words. Now, my friend, what are they?”

The man thinks for a second and then says “Bed hard”.

The head monk says “So noted. Keep up the good work and I'll see you next year”.

Another year of silence and humble work goes by and the man is again called in for his review. “Again, this is your time to speak your 2 words.

May I ask what they are?”, asks the monk.

“Food cold”, says the man.

“Again, so noted”, says the monk. “See you next year.”

The third year review takes place. Again, the monk says to the man “And what are your two words this year, friend?”.

The man, with out hesitation, says “I quit!”.

“Well,”, says the head monk, “that doesn't surprise me. Ever since you came here, it has been complain, complain, complain !”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."
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Old 10-06-2017, 09:01 PM   #1294
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Re: Joke of the Day

RIP Rosie O’Donnell

OH! Sorry!

It’s Hugh Hefner who died?

I though they said Hugh Hefner....
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Old 10-06-2017, 09:26 PM   #1295
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Re: Joke of the Day

I'm all for a women's movement.

I hate it when they just lie there.
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Old 10-09-2017, 03:21 AM   #1296
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Re: Joke of the Day

I got kicked out of the swimming pool yesterday.

Apparently the "breaststroke" isn't what I though it was...
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Old 10-09-2017, 09:31 AM   #1297
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Re: Joke of the Day

I support the womens movement.

I hate it when they just lie there.
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Old 10-15-2017, 11:50 AM   #1298
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Re: Joke of the Day

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.
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Old 10-31-2017, 03:34 PM   #1299
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Re: Joke of the Day

If your vibrator is hacked....is it a sex crime?


https://gizmodo.com/if-your-vibrator...ime-1820007951
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Old 11-13-2017, 12:17 AM   #1300
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Re: Joke of the Day

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