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Old 12-31-2011, 10:02 AM   #171
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Old 12-31-2011, 01:44 PM   #172
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Two blondes were at work when one decided she needed to take some time off from work.

She knew the Boss would not allow her to take off, so she thought that maybe if she acted crazy then he would tell her to take a few days off.

So she hung upside down on the ceiling and started making funny noises.

Her co-worker asked her what she was doing.

She told her that she was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss might think she was crazy and give her a few days off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, 'What are you doing?'

The blonde told him she was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.', so the blonde walked out of the office.

When her blonde friend followed her, the boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.
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Old 12-31-2011, 01:50 PM   #173
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Old 01-02-2012, 10:51 PM   #174
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Joke of the year.

The Falcons.
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Old 01-05-2012, 03:32 PM   #175
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An elderly Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he
applied for membership at a local golf club.

About a week later he received a letter that his application has been
rejected. He went to the club to inquire as to why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.

Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?

Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.

Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?

Scot: Aye, and neither do I.

Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam
room?

Scot: Aye, I also do the same.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?

Scot: Aye, I be that, too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel
comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates
are different than theirs.

Scot: Ach, away with ya, ma'am. I know that you have to be a
Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have
to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first
time I've heard that you have to be a complete p-r-i-c-k to join a golf club!!
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Old 01-06-2012, 09:18 AM   #176
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*** NEWS FLASH ***

I am really concerned about North Korea's appointment of the "dear leader", Kim Jung Il's youngest son to be the new leader of North Korea -- a nuclear power!

After all, Kim Jung Un (pronounced Kim's young-un?) hadNO military experience whatsoever before daddy made him a four-star general in the military. This is a snot-nose twerp who has never accomplished anything in his life that that would even come close to military leadership: he hasn't even so much as led a cub scout troop, let alone coached a sports team or commanded a military platoon. So, setting that aside, next they make him the "beloved leader" of the country. Terrific!!!

Oh, crap! I'm sorry. I just remembered that we did the same thing here, We took a community organizer who has never worn a uniform and made him Commander-in-Chief; a guy who has never led anything more than an ACORN demonstration and made him the leader of this country. Never mind.

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Old 01-06-2012, 07:31 PM   #177
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's! Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
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Old 01-08-2012, 09:12 PM   #178
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Old 01-09-2012, 07:12 AM   #179
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The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
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Old 01-09-2012, 07:13 AM   #180
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The Tiger
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
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