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Joke of the Day

this is a discussion within the Everything Else Community Forum; An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of Martha’s Vineyard. She slipped and fell. Obama who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly. She thanked him and he answered, “It was ...

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Old 04-29-2012, 05:40 PM   #301
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An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of Martha’s Vineyard. She slipped and fell.

Obama who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly. She thanked him and he answered,

“It was a pleasure to help you. Don’t you recognize me? I am your president. Are you going to vote for me in the next election? “

The elderly woman laughed and replied:

"You know ... I fell on my ass ... not on my head!"
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Old 04-29-2012, 05:41 PM   #302
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Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound, and never left the house for 5 years.

It is now believed he may have called the Navy Seals himself!
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Old 04-29-2012, 05:49 PM   #303
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A Mexican maid decides one day she needs a pay raise and asks the lady of the house for one.

“Why should I give you a raise?” the lady of the house asks. “Give me a good reason why.”

The maid replies, “I can give you three reasons, Senora. First of all, I iron better than you do.”

“What makes you think you iron better than I do?” asks the lady.

“Your husband says so,” replies the maid.

“Okay, what’s your second reason?”

“I am a better cook than you.”

“That’s preposterous! What makes you say that?”

“That’s what your husband tells me.”

“All right. What’s your third reason?”

“I’m a better lover than you.”

The lady pauses for several minutes, then she finally says, “I suppose my husband told you that too, didn’t he?”

“Oh, no, Senora! The gardener did.”
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Old 04-30-2012, 01:34 AM   #304
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Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.

But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

A five putt ...how in hell can someone FIVE PUTT?
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Old 04-30-2012, 01:38 AM   #305
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A woman is a man's best friend...

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to
live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to
his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...Sorry.






I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shyt.


Never mind.
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"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."
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Old 05-02-2012, 03:50 AM   #306
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One misty Scottish morning a man was driving down from Wick to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is about six foot three and like a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt and a tweed shirt. At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion.. ..... heartstopping. The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl when the highlander opens the car door and drags him from the seat onto the road. "Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to masturbate", "but......" stammers the driver, "Now...or I'll bloody kill you" So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this only takes a few seconds. "Right" says the highlander "Do it again!" "but....." says the driver. "Now...." So the driver does it again. "Right do it again" demands the highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind, has collapsed in a sweating jibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk. "Do it again" says the highlander. "I just can't anymore - you'll just have to kill me", whimpers the man. The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside. "All right" he says, "NOW you can give my daughter a lift to Inverness."

You kids get off my lawn!
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Old 05-02-2012, 03:52 AM   #307
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A farmer from Texas was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant.

He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs.

The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup and drove down to the woods and shagged them all.

The next day he called the vet again, and asked how would he know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him that if pregnant they would be lying down rolling in the mud. But when the farmer looked out the window but not even one pig was lying down. So, he loaded them up in his pickup again and drove them to the woods and shagged them all again.

To his dismay, the next morning, they were all standing. So, again he loads the pigs in his truck drives them to the woods and shags them for the third time.

By the next morning the farmer is just beat, so he asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see what the pigs are doing.

She says, "Hmmm .... that's weird! They are all in the truck and one of them is blowing the horn."
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You kids get off my lawn!
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Old 05-02-2012, 03:53 AM   #308
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An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker's hair is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings.

When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says, "What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?"

The old guy says in reply "Yeah. One time I screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."
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Old 05-02-2012, 03:58 AM   #309
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Three football fans were driving along when they spied a body in the underbrush. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a deceased young woman.

Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Saints's hat over one breast. The second guy, a Cleveland Browns fan, placed his hat over the other breast. The Atlanta Falcons fan then placed his hat over the woman's very private part.

Soon the police arrived. The coroner started checking over the body. He picked up the Saint's hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked up the Brown's hat and returned it. Then he picked up the Falcon's fan's hat, put it down, then picked it up again inspecting the hat more closely, and then put it down. Then he picked it up a third time.

By this time, the Falcon's fan was a bit irritated and he asked, "Why do you keep picking up that hat? Are you some kind of pervert or something?" The coroner responded with a wry smile, "Boy, I can't figure it out. Usually when I come across one of these Falcon's hats, there's an @sshole under it."
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You kids get off my lawn!

Last edited by Crusader; 05-02-2012 at 03:58 AM.. Reason: FREE STRATO!
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Old 05-03-2012, 08:58 AM   #310
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Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal pat-down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.


My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.


Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car and that it had been stolen.


Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.


"Idiot," she barked, "I dropped you off!"


Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."


She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

Yep it's the golden years.

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