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Joke of the Day

this is a discussion within the Everything Else Community Forum; Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C., an aide to the former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day’s Mass, and he ...

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Old 08-11-2012, 04:05 PM   #391
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Re: Joke of the Day

Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C., an aide to the former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day’s Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.
The Cardinal replied, “No. I don’t really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi’s views.”

Pelosi’s aide then said, “Look, I’ll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you’ll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint.”

The Cardinal thought about it and said, “Well, the church can use the money, so I’ll work your request into tomorrow’s sermon.”

As Pelosi’s aide promised, Nancy Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Nancy Pelosi was present.

The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, “While Nancy Pelosi’s presence is probably an honor to some; the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip- flop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington, and in California. The woman is simply not to be trusted.

The Cardinal concluded, “But, when compared with President Obama, Nancy Pelosi is a saint.”
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Old 08-13-2012, 04:56 PM   #392
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Re: Joke of the Day

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6′ 2”, strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff’s Department. After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man’s last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, “You’re a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have what you might call an ‘attitude suitability test’ that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don’t let anyone carry our badge, son.”

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, “Take this pistol and shoot everything on this list”:

* six illegal aliens,

* six lawyers,

* six meth dealers,

* six Muslim extremists,

* six Democrats,

* and a rabbit.

“Why the rabbit?” queried the applicant.

“Great attitude. You pass.” said the Chief Deputy. “When can you start?”
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Old 08-16-2012, 03:49 AM   #393
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Re: Joke of the Day

My wife screamed at me: “Leave!! Get out of this house!” she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, “I hope you die a slow and painful death!”

So I turned around and said, “So now you want me to stay?
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Old 08-16-2012, 05:28 PM   #394
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Re: Joke of the Day



From an English Professor -- Short and to the point

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of using capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement: "Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, or, helping your uncle jack off a horse." Is everybody clear on that?
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Old 08-19-2012, 07:01 PM   #395
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Re: Joke of the Day

The "United Way" discovers that it has never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer pays the lawyer a visit in his lavish suite of offices.

The volunteer opens the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . .. no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And then lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you???"
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Old 08-19-2012, 07:06 PM   #396
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Re: Joke of the Day

A sex therapist is researching goat-sex in the Middle East.

First he visits Mahmud, an Iraqi goat herder on the outskirts of Baghdad. "Tell me" he says, "What method do you use for goat sex?"

Mahmud replies, "Well I trap her head in a fig bush then attack from behind."

Next, the therapist goes to Egypt and visits Amar who works on the banks of the Nile, and asks him the same question. "Well" says Amar, "I push her into the mud and when her back legs are stuck strong I grab her from behind and give it to her real good."

Finally he Visits Abdul in the Gaza strip and again asks the same question. Abdul answers, ""I stick her left front leg over my right shoulder and her right front leg over my left shoulder and as she stands on her back legs facing me ..."

"Hold on" interrupts the researcher, "this is unusual".

"Unusual?" asks Abdul, "In what way?"

"Well," says the researcher, "all the other Arabs take the goat from behind, none of them face the sheep--"

"What"! exclaims Abdul, "No kissing?"

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."
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Old 08-19-2012, 07:28 PM   #397
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Re: Joke of the Day

A Muslim wife became concerned about her unemployed husband’s mood swings.

To help her determine what mood he was going into, she bought him one of those rings that changes color to indicate change of mood.

When he’s in a good mood, it’s green, and if he gets upset, it leaves a huge red mark on her forehead.
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Old 08-19-2012, 07:29 PM   #398
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Re: Joke of the Day

Another Muslim wife misplaced her diary recently. Since it was written in Arabic, the guy who found it had to have it translated.

In English it read as follows:

Monday - stayed in
Tuesday - stayed in
Wednesday - stayed in
Thursday - stayed in
Friday - stayed in
Saturday - stayed in
Sunday - stayed in
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Old 08-20-2012, 09:20 AM   #399
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Re: Joke of the Day

Dey got this old drunk Cajun in Sout Luziana who walks out of a bar wit his truck keys in his hand and he's stumbling, weaving and anything but walking straight.

Well now, a state trooper on duty sees him and approaches......

Can I help you sir, he asks...???

"Yesss ssssiree, he say." "Dam... it look like somebody has done stole my truck, he says!"

Where was your truck the last time you saw it, ask the trooper!

Well sha, it was rat here on the end of diss key what I got rite here.....replied the drunk...!!!!

About this time the trooper looks down and sees the man's 'willy' hanging out of his fly where the whole world can see....!!!!

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware you are exposing yourself....???

Momentarily confused, the drunk, he looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out........

"Aw hell...!!!" "my girlfriend's gone too....!!!"
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Old 08-22-2012, 01:37 PM   #400
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Re: Joke of the Day

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