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Joke of the Day

this is a discussion within the Everything Else Community Forum; An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire." "What you gonna do ...

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Old 10-31-2012, 03:28 AM   #441
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Re: Joke of the Day

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a p*ssy willow."

"Wait up... I'll get my hat!"

You kids get off my lawn!
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Old 10-31-2012, 03:30 AM   #442
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Re: Joke of the Day

A guy is on a date with this really hot chick, so he takes her up to Lover's Lane. Things start getting hot and heavy and, just when they were about to go to third base, she says "I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker."

The man thinks for a bit but, being really in the mood, he asks "How much?" She replied, "For you, $25 since I like ya."

He agrees to pay her $25, and they start having sex. After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you too now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for a ride back to town.''

You kids get off my lawn!
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Old 10-31-2012, 03:31 AM   #443
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Re: Joke of the Day

A well respected Captain in the Marines was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks.

He asked the First Sergeant leading the tour, "Why's a camel tied out behind the barracks?"

The First Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from any where, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do... uh... we have the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain just couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He ordered to his First Sergeant to, "Bring the camel to my tent!"

The First Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and led the camel into the Captain's quarters.

A couple mintutes later the Captain emerges from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride boasted "So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The First Sergeant, still in shock, replied "Well, sir, they usually justuse it to ride to town."

You kids get off my lawn!
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Old 10-31-2012, 03:33 AM   #444
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Re: Joke of the Day

A couple walked into a tourist shop in Jamaica. The Jamaican said to them, I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. "Dey makes you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the de wrong feet man! You got dem on de wrong feet!"

You kids get off my lawn!
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Old 10-31-2012, 03:38 AM   #445
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Re: Joke of the Day

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in pubic places about our sex lives...

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

You kids get off my lawn!
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Old 10-31-2012, 03:57 AM   #446
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Re: Joke of the Day

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."


---

This one made me laugh so hard i cried.
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Old 10-31-2012, 04:22 AM   #447
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Re: Joke of the Day

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your ass!"

... the teacher fainted!
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Old 11-02-2012, 10:48 AM   #448
 
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Re: Joke of the Day

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.

The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors... Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... Then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it.. What did you do?" The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots...
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Said Pope Benedict: "WOW ... that ring is bigger than mine!!!"

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Old 11-05-2012, 11:13 AM   #449
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Old 11-07-2012, 12:56 PM   #450
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Re: Joke of the Day

I just heard Chris Brown is gonna sing on Rhiannas new album. I'm sure its gonna be a hit...
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