A lady shopping at a mall ran into her long, lost boyfriend who had just been discharged from the US Army. They went to Starbuck's to catch up, and followed that with dinners, movies, etc., until they eventually got married.

It was their honeymoon night, and the lady was very happy with her new husband, but she was concerned since they had not consummated their marriage that night.

2 weeks passed, and still nothing had happened. The lady decided to take matters in her own hands, so when her husband came home from work that night and after dinner as he was in his recliner reading the newspaper, she came into the room dressed in a flimsy nightgown, pranced in front of the man until he put his paper down and looked up at her, and she said, "New York City, 1985."

The man stared at her for a second, and then went back to reading his paper.

The lady went back to her bedroom, and this time returned in a very skimpy, thong bikini. She again pranced in front of the man until he again put his paper down for a second, stared at the girl as she said, "French Riviera, 1995." The man looked for a second and went back to reading his paper.

The lady went back to her bedroom, returned totally nude, pranced in front of the man until he put his paper down and looked at her as she said, "Baker Beach, San Francisco, CA, USA, 2011!"

After staring for a few seconds, the man finally stood up, dropped his trousers, dropped his shorts, only to reveal that he was missing one essential part for love making. He says to the girl, "Afghanistan, 2010!"

Bottle of Wine


A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

God works in mysterious ways

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
drivers.

The woman says,'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow,
just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must
be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the
rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to
drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the
bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

The Irish Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file .........

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"



The man replied, "Get in line."

LOL that @#%#%!!!

A man was standing on a street corner waiting to cross. A blind man with a seeing-eye dog was waiting also.

While waiting, the man saw the seeing-eye dog piss on the blind man's leg.

The man was astonished to see the blind man give his dog a treat.

The man says to the blind man, "Why are you rewarding your dog? He just pissed on your leg!"

The blind man says, "I'm not rewarding him! I'm trying to find his head so I can kick him in the a-s-s!!"

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"In honor of this holy season," said St. Peter, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the Pearly Gates," said St. Peter.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

St. Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

"These are Carols," the man replied.

4 nuns were killed in a car crash and were waiting at the Pearly Gates to get into Heaven.

St. Peter arrives to let them in and tells them that he must ask them each a question before they can enter Heaven.

St. Peter asks the first nun if she had ever had been intimate with a man in any way.

The nun says that she had seen a naked man once.

St. Peter tells her that he must cleanse her and washes her eyes with Holy Water and then welcomes her into Heaven.

St. Peter askes the next nun if she had ever been intimate with a man.

She replies that she had once touched a man's penis.

St. Peter tells her he must cleanse her also. While washing the nun's hands with Holy Water, he hears a noise and sees the other 2 nuns fighting on the floor.

St. Peter rushes over and tells the nuns, "Ladies!! This is no way to act in Heaven!! What is the problem here?"

One nun says, "If you think I am going to gargle with that water after she washes her a-s-s, you've got another thing coming!"

U know ifin U'r in a REDNECK CHURCH...
> 1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
> The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
>

> 2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
> People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
>
> 3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if....
> When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and two women stand up.
>
> 4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
> Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
>
> 5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
> A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)
>
> 6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
> The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
>
> 7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
> In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
>
> 8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
> People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
>
> 9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
> The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub..
>
> 10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
> The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
>
> 11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
> The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
>
> 12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
> Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
>
> 13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
> The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
>
> 14.. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
> The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
>
> 15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
> "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
>
> 16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if...
> The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".
>
> God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers
>

Susie Lee done fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon Yo' Ma don't know,
But Joe is Yo' half brother.

So Susie put aside her Joe
and planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, 'There's trouble still'.

You can't marry Will, My gal,
And please don't tell Yo' Mother.
But Will and Joe, and several mo'
I know is Yo' half brother.

But Mama knew and said, My child,
Just do what makes Yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
You ain't no kin to Pappy.

Did you hear about the Sale at the Penn State campus gift shop?
 

Have you guys heard about the sale at the Penn State campus gift shop?




Little Boys underwear half-off.