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Joke of the Day

this is a discussion within the Everything Else Community Forum; Alice and Frank are bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. Frank thinks this is a great idea. So they pool their money and ...

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Old 06-22-2013, 09:37 AM   #661
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Location: Shreveport,Louisiana
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Re: Joke of the Day

Alice and Frank are bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.

Frank thinks this is a great idea. So they pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on a square in a small town.

As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

When they finish, there's such a crowd they think it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.

So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding.

Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time she comes back pretty messed up; she has a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine; it was the crowd. What in the world is a pinata?

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."
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Old 06-24-2013, 02:55 AM   #662
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Shreveport,Louisiana
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Re: Joke of the Day

Not a joke, (sadly), but still funny!!



Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to
commit suicide.

Let's have a look at the evidence:

No Christmas

No television

No nude women

No football

No pork chops

No hot dogs

No burgers

No beer

No bacon

Rags for clothes

Towels for hats

Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower

More than one wife & more than one mother-in-law

You can't shave

Your wife can't shave

You can't wash off the smell of donkey

You cook over burning camel shyt

Your wife is picked by someone else for you.

Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??

Well no ****, Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse

THE MUSLIMS ARE NOT HAPPY!

They're not happy in Gaza

They're not happy in Egypt

They're not happy in Libya

They're not happy in Morocco

They're not happy in Iran

They're not happy in Iraq

They're not happy in Yemen

They're not happy in Afghanistan

They're not happy in Pakistan

They're not happy in Syria

They're not happy in Lebanon

SO, WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?

They're happy in Australia

They're happy in Canada

They're happy in England

They're happy in France

They're happy in Italy

They're happy in Germany

They're happy in Sweden

They're happy in the USA

They're happy in Norway

They're happy in Holland

They're happy in Denmark

Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim,
And unhappy in every country that is!

AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?

Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.

THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!
And then they want to change those countries to be like....
THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!

Excuse me, but I can't help wondering...

How DAMN DUMB can you get?
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Old 06-24-2013, 10:01 AM   #663
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Location: Shreveport,Louisiana
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Re: Joke of the Day

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said,

"Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."
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Old 06-24-2013, 04:22 PM   #664
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Location: Shreveport,Louisiana
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Re: Joke of the Day

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".
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Old 06-25-2013, 03:19 PM   #665
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Re: Joke of the Day

She asked me to make her feel special...



...so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
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Old 06-26-2013, 10:40 AM   #666
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Re: Joke of the Day

The following questions were set in last year's examination.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon,
and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby (Asian answer)

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)


Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)


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Last edited by foreverfan; 06-26-2013 at 11:08 AM..
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Old 06-26-2013, 12:15 PM   #667
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Location: Metairie, LA
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Blog Entries: 5
Re: Joke of the Day

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.

"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.
"$ 100" she replies.

In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"
"No" she says.

"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."
"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you $300."
"No," she says.

"I pay you $400."
"No," she says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."
She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now..
I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world.
How bad could immigrant style be?"

So she agrees and has sex with him.. Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says,
"Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was ok. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."

AND THAT MY, FELLOW TAXPAYERS, IS EXACTLY WHAT THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE DOING TO US!
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Old 06-26-2013, 02:06 PM   #668
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Shreveport,Louisiana
Posts: 10,430
Re: Joke of the Day

An Aggie has his girlfriend over and they are making out.

The girlfriend says to him, "Why don't you give me a kiss between the legs?"

The Aggie says, "Noooo! I know what you are going to do! You are going to bite me on the nose!"

The girlfriend says, "No I'm not! Look and see!"

So the Aggie looks and looks, and the girlfriend says, "See! There are no teeth down there is there!"

The Aggie says, "No. And the shape them gums are in I know why!"

*****If too risqué, feel free to delete**********************'
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Old 06-27-2013, 04:58 PM   #669
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Re: Joke of the Day

Originally Posted by foreverfan View Post
The following questions were set in last year's examination.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon,
and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby (Asian answer)

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)


Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)


I type "LOL" a lot but usually not really laughing out loud.

Dude this had me laughing so hard I was crying and the IT guys in the next room came over to see what was going on.

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Old 06-27-2013, 07:26 PM   #670
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Metairie, LA
Posts: 8,611
Blog Entries: 5
Re: Joke of the Day


Last edited by foreverfan; 06-28-2013 at 10:00 AM..
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