Crusader

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He says “Yes, just caffeine.”
“Have you ever been in the service?” the interviewer asks.
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”
The interviewer says “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here.”,
and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes… an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off.”
The interviewer tells the guy “O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day. Don’t worry,we’ll still pay you from 8am.”
The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don’t you want me to be here before 10am?”
“‘This is a government job,” the interviewer says, “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.........spank his ass again!"

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

WhoDat!656

A Tennessee State trooper pulled a car over on I-24 about 2 miles east of the Alabama/Tennessee State line.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Chattanooga to do a show at the Shrine Circus & he didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling acts and told the driver if he would do a little juggling for him he wouldn't give him a ticket.

He told the trooper he had sent his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got out 5 flares, lit them
and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good ol' boy from Alabama got out, watched the
performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the
door & asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't
no way in hell I can pass that test.”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

foreverfan

My friend is a farmer and he recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull.

He put him out with the herd but the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. Anyhow, the Vet came out and had a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave my friend some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days......all the cows... and the neighbors too! The bull is a machine and we have no idea what is in the pills the Vet gave him.

.........but they kind of taste like peppermint.

2019 Death of a Parrot.

foreverfan

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you, " the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind." "Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

2019 Death of a Parrot.

foreverfan

dam1953

Damn, that was my wish....

Crusader

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied: 'Your Horse is on the phone!!!

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

SmashMouth

What is the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine? The porcupine has the pri-cks on the outside....

Crusader

A man goes to a bar and meets an escort after talking to her for a bit, he asks her, "Alright. Enough talk. How much is it gonna cost me for a handjob?"

"$50," She says.

"$50 for a handjob? You've got to be kidding me!" He replies.
"Come over here," She says. "See that car outside?" She points to the window. He looks out, and sees a brand new sports car.

"Wow, that looks pretty expensive." He says.

"I bought that purely off $50 handjobs." She replies.
The man thinks to himself, "Hell, they must be pretty good." So he gives her $50, and sure enough, best one he's ever had.
He goes back the next night and finds her again. After a few drinks he says, "Alright. That handjob last night was pretty good. How much for a blowjob?"

"$500." She says.
"$500? That's ****ing ridiculous." The man replies.
"Come here. See that house on the hill?" she says. So the man comes over, and looks out the window. Outside on the hill, he sees an immaculate mansion. Easily more than 20 rooms.
"Wow, that looks extremely expensive." he says.
"I bought that off of $500 blowjobs." she says.
So following suit, the man gives her $500, and sure enough, it's the best blowjob of his entire life.

On the third night, he returns once more. "Alright," He says. "No more playing around. How much is it gonna cost for some p*ssy?"
She replies, "Hell, if I had a p*ssy I'd own this town!"

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.