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Joke of the Day

this is a discussion within the Everything Else Community Forum; There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy ...

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Old 09-23-2013, 02:43 PM   #781
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Re: Joke of the Day

There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'
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Old 09-23-2013, 02:45 PM   #782
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A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

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Old 09-23-2013, 02:52 PM   #783
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Re: Joke of the Day

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
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Old 09-23-2013, 05:38 PM   #784
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Old 09-23-2013, 05:38 PM   #785
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Old 09-23-2013, 05:46 PM   #786
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Old 09-24-2013, 08:59 AM   #787
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Re: Joke of the Day

I double dare you.

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Old 09-25-2013, 09:16 AM   #788
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Re: Joke of the Day

Ohio State 's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
___________________________________________

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
___________________________________________

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
Drool.
___________________________________________

How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a sophomore course.
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How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?

The cow fell on him.
___________________________________________

Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods.

One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."

The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
___________________________________________

A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.

He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.

Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse. ___________________________________________
What do you say to a Michigan State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "

"Will the defendant please rise."
___________________________________________

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

The police officer.
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How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
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What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

A full set of teeth.
___________________________________________

University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.
___________________________________________

How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
___________________________________________

Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?

He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
___________________________________________

How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.
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Old 09-25-2013, 09:25 AM   #789
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Re: Joke of the Day

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. " Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

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Old 09-25-2013, 05:20 PM   #790
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Re: Joke of the Day

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some arsehole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No sh*t?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

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