WhoDat!656

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a bottle of turpentine.

He was shaking it up and watching the bubbles when a priest walked by.

The priest asked the boy what he had in the bottle.

The little boy said, "Preacher, the most powerful liquid in the world is in this bottle!"

The priest said, "Oh no son! The most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water! You can pour a bottle of it on a pregnant woman's stomach and she will pass a baby boy!"

The little boy said, "Hell! That ain't nothing! You put 2 drops of this on a cat's a$$ and it will pass a motorcycle!"

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

44Champs

Lady:: How long have you been smoking?

Man: 15 years

L: How many packs of cigarettes do you smoke a day?

M: 3 packs

L: and how much do you spend per pack?

M: $7 a pack

L: So 3 packs a day at $7 each - that's $7,665 that youre throwing away every year. Do you realize that if you hadnt smoked for the last 15 years, you could have had a Ferrari by now?

M: Do you smoke?

L: No

M: Then where's your f*ng Ferrari?

Crusader

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my ****ing ass off to buy all the presents that my kids ask for. And what happens Christmas morning? That fat ****er with a beard gets all the credit! Still, I suppose it's my fault for marrying her.

Crusader

A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws."

Crusader

A bus carrying lots of women crashed.. Their husbands cried for a week and moved on. However, Dennis was still crying even after 2 weeks. His neighbor asked him why was he still crying? He replied, "My wife missed the bus"

Crusader

While examining the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen. "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!?"

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me kiss you for fifty pence?" "Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper. A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me kiss you for a thousand pounds?" After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper. A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me kiss you for five pounds?" "Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?" "We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Mardigras9

WHY OLD MEN NEVER GET HIRED:


Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Older Man : "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Older Man : "I don't really give a **** what you think."

Mardigras9

IS TEXTING REALLY AS GOOD AS A PHONE CALL?



Text to mom:

"Hello mom, I need your advice. I have some of my boyfriend's cum stuck in my hair. How do I
get it out? Will I have to cut it out?"


Text from mom to daughter:"

It’s nice you can send me such a frank text. No, you won't have to cut it out.
I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out."

Daughter back to mom:"Oh my God, mom.........sorry, I meant to spell gum."

"Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil." - Jerry Garcia

WhoDat!656

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the side walk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with." He thought "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms.

He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked "why are you so happy anyway"?

He said, "I'm NOT happy, I'm jumping because my balls itch!

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."