Crusader

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"
Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, "I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!"

WhoDat!656

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts:

"So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

That's him in Aisle 5.

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

saintfan

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

GOOD NITE FOLKS!

C'mon Man...

WhoDat!656

A guy is browsing the paper and sees an ad that simply reads: Talking Dog For Sale.

The guy always wanted a dog and figures that it might be worth checking out.

He drives to the house, rings the bell, and the owner opens the door.

"You here about my dog?"

"Er, yea.."

"He's in the back."

The owner wanders to another room so guy leads himself to the backyard where a well groomed Labrador is sitting.

They eye each other in silence before the guy hesitantly ask, "So...You talk?"


The Lab cocks his head to side before replying in clear plain English: "Yep!".

After picking his jaw off the floor, the guy exclaims 'Oh my god! How is this possible?!"

The Lab looks up and says, 'Truth be told, I dunno. I was just born this way."

"My mom and dad lived on a farm in Kansas. I spent the first few years of my life herding cattle and running errands for our masters. But I realize pretty quickly that I should be doing more with my special talent."

"I decided that I wanted to help protect the country I love so much and got in touch with the CIA . In no time at all they had me flying from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

"Thanks to the intelligence I gathered, the CIA was able to prevent dozens of terrorist plots against the U.S."

"I was their most valuable spy for over a decade. But all the traveling tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."

"Then I got married, had a mess of puppies, saw them all through Police Dog Academy, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He runs back into the house and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the owner says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! And a hero! Why on earth are you selling him for so cheap?"

"Because he's a goddamn liar! He never did any of that shyt!"

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

foreverfan

How Moses Got the Ten Commandments God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested.'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honour thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said
'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested'.

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,
'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments ...'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'

There. That should upset just about everybody.

2019 Death of a Parrot.

WhoDat!656

And on that note!

Crusader

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

foreverfan

WhoDat!656

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines.

One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.

I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

Crusader

Why husbands try to avoid your questions!

WIFE:
What would you do if i died? Would you get married again?
Husband: No...
Wife: Why not? Don't you like being married?
Husband: Of course i do.
Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Husband: Ok, ok, I'd get married again...
Wife: Would you live in our house with your new Wife...?
Husband: Yes, it's a great house.
Wife: Would you let her drive my car ?
Husband: Yes, its a new car, dear...
Wife: Would you give her my jewelry?
Husband: No.. I am sure she would want her own..
Wife: Would she wear my shoes..?
Husband: No, her size is '5'
Wife: --silence-
Husband: 'shiiit'...!!!

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.