WhoDat!656

A businessman in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my earrings.”

WhoDat!656

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”

The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”

The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

foreverfan

For those who haven't heard, Colorado just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

WhoDat!656

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

SmashMouth

What does Dallas Cowboys & Brokeback Mountain have in common?

The Cowboys suck.

TheOak

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

foreverfan

Smashmouth's wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing the usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As Smashmouth walked in, almost awake, she turned to him and said softly, "You've got to do me this very moment!"

His eyes lit up and thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced the moment and gave it his all - right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, Smashmouth asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

2019 Death of a Parrot.

Utah_Saint

Super Bowl Special
Use the promo code Peyton when ordering a Papa Johns Pizza and when it arrives at your house, a Seattle DB will take it from you and eat it.

WhoDat!656

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed
Instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'

'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'
That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave
You a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.

'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

foreverfan

I went to the bar the other day and they played the twist. So I did the twist. Then they played Jump... so I jumped. Next they played Come on Eileen.... and I got thrown out of the bar.