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Joke of the Day

this is a discussion within the Everything Else Community Forum; George W. Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation ...

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Old 02-14-2014, 07:10 PM   #891
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Re: Joke of the Day

George W. Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying, “No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse.”

The second barber turned to Bush and said, “How about you sir?”

Bush replied, “Go ahead; my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”
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Old 02-14-2014, 07:12 PM   #892
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Re: Joke of the Day

A man was eating breakfast with his 10-year-old granddaughter and asked her, "What day is tomorrow"?

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!" .

She's smart, so he asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc.

She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out
of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 3 more years of Bull Shyt."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!
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Old 02-16-2014, 08:37 PM   #893
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Re: Joke of the Day

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'

One little boy stood up and offered an illustration. A little boy who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. .Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss...and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.
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Old 02-16-2014, 08:38 PM   #894
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Re: Joke of the Day

Obama visits a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers to answer some questions.

First a little girl puts up his hand, and Obama asks for her name.

"Suzanne," responds the little girl.

"And what is your question, Suzanne"?

"I have four questions:

First, Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?

Second, Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?

Third, Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?

Fourth, Why are we lending mega bucks to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. The teacher says they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: Question time.. Who has a question"?

Little Johnny puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks for his name.

"Johnny" he responds.

"And what is your question, Johnny"?

"Actually, I have two questions.

First, Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?

Second, Where is Suzanne"?
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Old 02-20-2014, 11:36 AM   #895
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Re: Joke of the Day

This couple of "a certain age" had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their mobile phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, texted back:

I'm on the toilet..... please advise.
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Old 02-20-2014, 07:10 PM   #896
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Re: Joke of the Day

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Old 02-28-2014, 09:21 AM   #897
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Re: Joke of the Day

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year old bride who is pregnant with my child.

So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story:

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said , "Logic suggests that someone else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

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Old 02-28-2014, 10:11 AM   #898
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Old 02-28-2014, 04:20 PM   #899
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Re: Joke of the Day

There was a little boy who was born without eyelids,so the doctor used the little boys foreskin to make eyelids for him....sadly,the little boy is all cock-eyed now.
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Old 02-28-2014, 07:28 PM   #900
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Re: Joke of the Day

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

The second man was an Accountant,

The third man was a Chemist,

The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, “T-square, do your stuff.”

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,“Spreadsheet, do your stuff.”

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.”

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?”

The Government Employee called his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your
stuff.”

Coffee Break jumped to his feet...

Ate the cookies...

Drank the milk...

Sh*t on the paper...

Screwed the other three cats...

Claimed he injured his back while doing so.

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions...

Put in for Workers Compensation… and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave…

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT
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