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Joke of the Day

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Old 02-28-2014, 08:31 PM   #901
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Re: Joke of the Day

Yes it is!
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Old 03-01-2014, 07:23 PM   #902
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Re: Joke of the Day

Two cannibals are eating a clown......one cannibal turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?"
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Old 03-02-2014, 04:46 PM   #903
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Re: Joke of the Day

Originally Posted by Rugby Saint II View Post
Two cannibals are eating a clown......one cannibal turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?"
I heard cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny!
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Old 03-02-2014, 05:41 PM   #904
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Re: Joke of the Day

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Old 03-03-2014, 04:31 PM   #905
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Re: Joke of the Day

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m
sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a
few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and
also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, your duck is most definitely, 100% certifiably dead.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried,
“$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."
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Old 03-05-2014, 09:10 PM   #906
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Re: Joke of the Day

A very rich man kept a pair of lions to guard his property. Each one took turns being on duty.

One night, a group of midgets tried to rob him, but the lion on patrol caught them and ate them.

When police arrived, the sergeant asked skeptically, "Well, so where is this group of midgets you say broke in?"

The rich man pointed proudly to his guardians and said, "It's all in the lion of duty."
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Old 03-05-2014, 09:17 PM   #907
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Re: Joke of the Day

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner only has one golf ball.

"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked.

The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.

"Are you sure?", the friend persisted.

"What happens if you lose that ball?"

The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."

"Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."

"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"

The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem."

Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do
then?"

"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is fluorescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you buy a golf ball like that anyway?"

The other guy replies, "I found it."
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Old 03-06-2014, 05:25 PM   #908
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Re: Joke of the Day

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

“What happened?” she asks anxiously.

“What happened!! I’ll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our bed! This is unforgiveable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”

“Calm down, calm down!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

“I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she didn’t receive your E-mail!”
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Old 03-06-2014, 05:29 PM   #909
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Re: Joke of the Day

An uninformed voter heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman Dave to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. Dave thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The uninformed voter came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”

The uninformed voter said, “No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”

David the milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”

The uninformed voter said, “No, just up to my tits. I can just splash it on my eyes.”

You got a bonus. A pun and an uninformed voter joke all rolled up in one.
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Old 03-07-2014, 08:48 AM   #910
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Re: Joke of the Day

Have friends in Boston, used to visit New England often, really miss it...

I'm Scot-Irish, so one year we started staying by this one pub and a crazy thing happens...

During a break in the music seisiun, some old man hails "24" and a burst of laughter...

Back in the pub that weekend, cute gingered girl hollers "13" and regulars crack up laughin'...

So we lean over to the Pub Master and we ask "so what gives?"

Mr O'Shea, fine man, explains 'they've heard 'em all' and jokes have a number to save time for music, story-tellin'...

And so if you're a regular, you pick up on them on the side from other regulars...


This was great! We went all summer learning jokes, great jokes from local characters...

So early that Fall, during a music break, my friend Mark yells "six" and oohf -the most uncomfortable silence...

Seemed like every face was dark, shaking their heads...

Mr. O'Shea calmly walks down the bar, cleaning a pitcher, looks over his shoulder, leans over and says...

"Look Boys, I like ya...now don't take it too hard, but some folks can tell a joke and some can't..."
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