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Joke of the Day

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Old 04-23-2014, 01:33 PM   #951
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Re: Joke of the Day

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Old 04-23-2014, 08:09 PM   #952
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Re: Joke of the Day

A woman speeding passed over a bridge to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$$hole ? " he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket - $95.00

Court Costs - $45.00

Satisfaction - Priceless
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Old 04-25-2014, 08:28 PM   #953
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Re: Joke of the Day

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.


He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???



Everyone knows.. you can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!
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Old 04-26-2014, 09:40 AM   #954
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Re: Joke of the Day

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Hamad replied, "Ghost? From way back there I thought you said goats."
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Old 04-26-2014, 04:00 PM   #955
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Re: Joke of the Day

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and
pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she
had missed Janie.

Janie, do you have a story to share?'
'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She
had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of
whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.


''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?


"Stay the hell away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
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Old 04-27-2014, 03:12 PM   #956
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Re: Joke of the Day

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left but did not return that day.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left and again, did not return that day.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.' The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back later.

A little while later, Bob returns to the shop.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob said, 'Your house! '
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Old 04-28-2014, 06:52 PM   #957
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Re: Joke of the Day

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I
have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I
can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the
phone for three hours. You want my advice?

The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
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Old 04-28-2014, 07:23 PM   #958
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Re: Joke of the Day

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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Old 04-28-2014, 08:29 PM   #959
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Re: Joke of the Day

Whodat is on a roll!!!
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Old 04-28-2014, 08:41 PM   #960
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Re: Joke of the Day

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your
casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you,
what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine
spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
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