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Joke of the Day

this is a discussion within the Everything Else Community Forum; Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman ...

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Old 05-08-2014, 02:01 AM   #971
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Re: Joke of the Day

Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.

A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. "John, what happened?" Tony asks.

"I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to. The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."
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Old 05-08-2014, 02:02 AM   #972
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Re: Joke of the Day

Two Americans open a bungee jumping business in Mexico. They set up on the square of a small village.

Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn't able to catch his friend, but he notices that Bob has a few cuts and scratches.

Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses pulling Bob up.

The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up -- he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, "Holy cow, what happened? Was the cord too long?"

"No," says Bob. "The cord was fine, but the birthday party down there thinks I'm a pinata!"

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Old 05-08-2014, 02:04 AM   #973
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Re: Joke of the Day

A bunch of Saddam Hussein's body doubles were waiting in a lounge when they heard on the news that Saddam's palace had been bombed. One of Saddam's advisors called them and said he had good news and bad news.

The doubles said they wanted the good news first, so the advisor said that Saddam had survived the blast. The doubles were greatly relieved.

"Then what's the bad news?" they asked.

"Saddam lost one of his arms," the advisor replied.
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Old 05-08-2014, 02:07 AM   #974
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Re: Joke of the Day

At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of sex education and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to sex education on TV.

Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies. “Great,” said the teacher, “that's very important. ”

Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married. “Well, that has to do with it too,” said the teacher.

Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all. The teacher said, “Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sex education.”

“Yes it does,” said Johnny, ” it taught those Indians not to f**k with John Wayne.”
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Old 05-08-2014, 02:08 AM   #975
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Re: Joke of the Day

At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of sex education and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to sex education on TV.

Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies. “Great,” said the teacher, “that's very important. ”

Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married. “Well, that has to do with it too,” said the teacher.

Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all. The teacher said, “Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sex education.”

“Yes it does,” said Johnny, ” it taught those Indians not to f**k with John Wayne.”
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Old 05-08-2014, 08:08 PM   #976
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Re: Joke of the Day

Little Johnny is in his history class after lunch on a beautiful Spring day on Friday.

The teacher announces that he is going to give a pop quiz.

All of the kids start complaining.

Teacher says that they will like this quiz. He tells the class that he is going to read a presidential quote, and the student that correctly names the President that said it, gets to leave school immediatley and start their weekend early; the hall passes are already made out.

All of the kids are excited and ready.

The teacher says, "The first quote is, 'The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself'".

Little Johnny raises his hand and a girl jumps up and says, "FDR!"

Teacher says, "Enjoy you weekend!"

Little Johnny is mad but he doesn't say anything.

Teacher says the next quote is, ' Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'

Little Johnny raises his hand again and another girl jumps up and says "John F. Kennedy!"

Teacher says "Enjoy your weeked!"

Little Johnny is really pissed now and mutters under his breath, "I wish these bytches would shut the hell up!"

Teacher says "Who said that!"

Little Johhny said, "Bill Clinton! See you Monday!"

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."
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Old 05-10-2014, 11:04 PM   #977
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Re: Joke of the Day

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour.

The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

The wife speeds up to 80 .

"I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"


The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and says. "The airbag."

Moral of the Story: Women are crazy!!!! Don't mess with them!!
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Old 05-11-2014, 05:05 PM   #978
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Re: Joke of the Day

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and floating in the water was a condom!

When she returned With tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’ Pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.’
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Old 05-12-2014, 08:37 PM   #979
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Re: Joke of the Day

I was in the supermarket the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.

I said, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”

The young guy says, “Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?”

I said, “Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours.”
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Old 05-12-2014, 08:38 PM   #980
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Re: Joke of the Day

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.

‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.’

The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.’

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.’

This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who is this Fanny Green?’

‘A new woman in the neighbourhood,’ the sinner replied.

‘Very well,’ sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered,

‘Is that Fanny Green?’

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,

‘No Father, I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes’.

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."
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