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Joke of the Day
PLEASE USE THE JOKE OF THE DAY THREAD FOR ALL HUMOR THAT DOESN'T REQUIRE IT'S OWN THREAD! _______________________________________________________________________________ I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest member she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg." |
A huge hawk swooped to the ground and grabbed a small field mouse and gobbled him down whole. The mouse worked his way through the hawks stomach and intestines until he was able to push his head out of the hawks rear end. By this time, the hawk had flown high into the sky. The mouse looked down and said,
"Oh, my! Mr. Hawk, how high are we?" The hawk answered, "Oh...about 500 feet." The mouse exclaimed, "You wouldn't $hit me, would you?!" |
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I like the joke of the day idea...I'm gonna try to keep this going. My entry for today...
Who was Alexander Graham Bellski? The first telephone Pole. |
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http://www.freakingnews.com/pictures...-Cat-22654.jpg |
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How do you find Texas?
Go south until you smell it...and then go west until you step in it. |
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die and get
reincarnated you must come back as a different creature. She said “I would like to come back as a cow.” I said “You’re obviously not listening.” |
An old lady in a grocery store approaches the man working in the produce department and asks, "Where are the potatoes?"
The man replies, "I'm sorry, ma'am...we're out of potatoes." The lady goes off and shops for a few minutes and then comes back to the produce department and asks the same worker, "Where are the potatoes?" He answers again, "Ma'am...I told you that we are out of potatoes." The lady says nothing and goes about her shopping. About fifteen minutes later she comes back to the same man and asks the same question. This time, the man repies, "Ma'am...spell ball like in baseball." The lady answers, "B A L L." Then he says, "Spell cat like in catnip." The lady spells, "C A T" Then he says, "Spell frick like in potatoes." She says, "There is no "frick" in potatoes." He snaps back, "That's what I've been trying to tell you, lady...there ain't no frickin' potatoes!" |
This is the best workout I’ve ever had! I highly recommend this product!
Here this one is for you Guys. Ready to get ripped? Perfect for your next camping trip. |
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If every car in the US was pink, we would have a pink car nation.
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OK...what has 3 legs, 2 arms, and eyes?
A potato What? What about the arms and legs? The potato is sitting in a chair. Why only 3 legs? One of the legs of the chair is broken. |
So Achmed the suicide bomber got to heaven and Allah showed him a door and said "Inside that room are the 70 virgins you were promised". Achmed was beyond himself with joy and quickly opened the door and entered the room thinking that he would score. The only scoring it turns out was done by the guys in the big LAN-party playing Counter Strike.
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Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint
of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now" "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though" mum confides. "Oh so sad dear" says the other. "And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21" "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born". "He's a martyr too " says mum quietly. "Oh gracious me ...." says the other. "And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18", she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school". "He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?" |
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A wealthy rancher was returning from inspecting his cattle on the northern range. He returned to find that his ranch house had been burnt to the ground, all his livestock dead, his wife had been raped and killed...and when the sheriff came to inspect everything, he said that it looked like the work of "Black Bart." He asked who that was. The sheriff explained he was this huge man, about 6' 8", huge, rippling muscles from head to toe, wearing all black and riding a black horse. The rancher decided he was going to find Black Bart and he was going to make sure that he didn't do anything like that again. So...he rode his horse into town and went into the saloon. He asked if anyone had seen Black Bart. One man in the corner spoke up and said that he had been in there about 2 hours ago, and when he left he noticed he was riding east. The rancher got onto his horse and rode east about an hour until he came into the next town. He went into the saloon and asked the same question. Again, one guy at the bar says that he had been there but had left, and he noticed that he left town riding south. The rancher gets onto his horse and rides south about 30 minutes until he rides into the next town. He again asks the question, and again one guy playing poker speaks up and says that he was there but had left, and he noticed that he was riding his horse towards the west. The rancher gets onto his horse and rides west for about 15 minutes until he comes into the next town. He goes into the saloon and he asks if anybody has seen Black Bart, and one guy playing the piano says that he had been there but had already left, and when he left he saw him riding towards the north. The rancher gets onto his horse and rides north. He goes only about 5 miles when he rides into another town. He goes into the saloon and asks the question about Black Bart. One guy says that he was just here and believes he went to the saloon across the street. The rancher goes across the street, and when he walks into the saloon he sees this giant of a man sitting playing poker. He is very rough looking with scars on his face and has a very mean, spiteful look on his face. The rancher comes up to the man and says..."Are you Black Bart?" He answers, "Yeah...I am." The rancher says, "Did you rape and kill my wife?" Black Bart answers, "Yeah." The rancher asks, "Did you kill all my livestock?" He again answers, "Yeah." The rancher asks, "Did you burn down my ranch house too?" Black Bart stands up, towering over the rancher. He has beady, mean looking eyes, and in a very low, mean voice, he responds, "Yeah...what about it?" The rancher looks up at the large, mean looking man, who is twice his size and is standing ready to draw his guns. The rancher says as he is looking up to the monster.... "You better cut that $hit out!" |
I may never read another LB Joke. :rolleyes:
______________________________ Boudreaux was in New Orleans . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Boudreaux still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Boudreaux went over to him and said, 'Ain't it 'bout time ya let the Catholics across?' _______________________ Devereaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Landry. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Betty Lou. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Devereaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Devereaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Betty Lou staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?' Devereaux said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?' 'Well,' Betty Lou said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror. |
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A man went to the doctor and told the doctor that he suddenly had a craving for dog food. The doctor said that it was odd, but there was nothing in dog food that would harm him...so if it's dog food you want, then eat dog food.
A couple of months later the doctor was shopping in the supermarket. He came across the man's wife in the produce department. He said hello and asked her how her husband was doing. She informed the doctor that her husband died two weeks ago. The doctor was shocked and said, "I really didn't think that dog food would hurt him." The lady explained, "No, it wasn't the dog food. He was out in the street licking his %$#!@ and got hit by a car!" |
LB... that joke reminds me of something.... I saw a dog licking himself the other day and I told my friend "I wish I could do that."
He said, "You most likely could, but you'd probably have to pet him first." ___________________ NO SEX Since 1955 A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955." The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now." |
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Edit...You know, this reminds me of a true story. I was somewhere around 10, my brothers were 15 and 17. We had a cat and she had kittens. The mother cat became ill, and did not have the strength to do what a mother cat has to do to help her kittens do #2. The kittens were getting upset because they needed their mother's help, and my oldest brother made the comment, "That's really sad. We should really do something to help them." My other brother says, "You can lick those kittens butts but I'm not going to." |
Halloween joke...
Why can't witches have babies? Husbands either have crystal balls or hollow weenies. |
Ya killing me.... literally LB....
It is a little know fact that the Mafia actually wanted Moammar Gaddafi dead for impersonating a really ugly Italian woman. http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JtqnQLlLUw...20/qaddafi.jpg |
A biology professor at Alabama was doing a scientific experiment with frogs.
He put an average sized bullfrog on his table, and while slapping his hand on the table, he said, "Jump, frog, jump!" The frog promptly jumped 4 feet. He enters into his notepad..."Frog with 4 legs jumps 4 feet." He then takes a knife and slashes off the frogs front left leg. He puts the frog on the table and slaps his hand on the table and says, "Jump, frog, jump!" The frog jumps 3 feet. He enters into his notepad..."Frog with 3 legs jumps 3 feet." He then takes the knife and cuts off the frogs front right leg. He places the frog on the table, slaps his hand down and says, "Jump, frog, jump!" The frog jumps 2 feet. He enters into the notepad..."Frog with 2 legs jumps 2 feet." He proceeds to cut the frogs back left leg off, puts the frog on the table, slaps his hand down and hollers, "Jump, frog, jump!" The frog jumps one foot. He enters into his notepad..."Frog with 1 leg jumps 1 foot." He then cuts off the last leg, puts the frog on the table, slaps his hand and says, "Jump, frog, jump!" The frog does nothing. He slaps again and repeats, "JUMP, FROG...JUMP!" Still nothing. So, he takes his notepad and enters, "Frog with no legs is deaf!" |
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A Mexican (an undocumented Democrat), a Black, a Muslim and a Redneck were walking together on a beach when the Black stumbled over a bottle in the sand.
He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared."I can only grant four wishes, "the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you mayhave a wish apiece." Pointing at the Black, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish." The Black studied for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland, Africa ." Poof! It was done! Hundreds of ships appeared on the skyline. The Mexican said, "I weesh for enough Cheby peekups to take all my people back to our homeland, May-he-co!" Poof! It was done! Row after row of Chevrolet Pickups appeared on the beach. The Muslim said, "I wish for ten thousand camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve Allah." Poof! It was done! ten thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach. Turning to the Redneck, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish? The Redneck watched as the loaded pickups began moving toward the border, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off. The Redneck said, "Just give me a Bud Light. It doesn't get any better than this!" |
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor kids.
I said, “Screw that ....... knowing my luck, I’d win one!” |
I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday ...minding my own business,
waiting on it to turn green. A carload of young, loud Muslims shouting anti American slogans stopped next to me. The light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the gas and darted off ahead of me. Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!" So, today...bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver. |
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A 5th grade teacher informed her class that they would now begin learning about sex. She told the class that their first assignment would be to go home and try to find out something about sex and return prepared to share it with the class.
The next day after the children all settled into their seats, the teacher announced that it was time to tell what they had learned. She called on little Mary first, who stood up and told the class about her dog at home that went under the house for a long time...and when the dog finally came out, she had 4 puppies with her. She went on to tell the class that she asked her mommy if that had anything to do with sex, and her mom told her that it did. Next came little Bobby, and he shared a similar story as Mary's, only this story involved his cat who had 5 baby kittens. Bobby asked his father if the cat having kittens had anything to do with sex, and his father informed him that it indeed did. Several stories were told, all the while dirtly little Johnny had been looking out the window, daydreaming, picking his nose...anything but listening to the others...when he suddenly heard the teacher calling his name. He responds, "What?" The teacher says, "Do you have a story about sex?" Johnny was totally unprepared...he didn't even know that the class was sharing these stories and did not pay attention when the teacher gave the assignment. Obviously, Johnny had nothing, so he began trying to think of something...anything. Suddenly he blurted out, "I saw a movie with John Wayne in it." The teacher says, "Yes...go on..." Johnny says, "There were a thousand Indians and only John Wayne." "Yes...go on.", says the teacher. Johnny replies, "John Wayne killed every one of those Indians!" The teacher says, "OK, Johnny...but what does that have to do with sex." Johnny stops for a second, looks into the air as he is trying to think of something, when all the sudden his eyes light-up and he hollers to the rest of the class, "It'll teach those Indians not to f#@k around with John Wayne!" |
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The Agony of Dyslexia...
After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!" |
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Boudreaux answered, “Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies’ cotton panties.” The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Thibodeaux was asked his occupation. “Diesel Fitter,” he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Thibodeaux $600 a week. When Boudreaux found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, “Panty Stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor.” “What skill?” yelled Boudreaux. “I sew the elastic on da panties, Thibodeaux puts dem over his head and says: “Yeah, dese ‘il fit ‘er.” |
I like the following joke...I just hope I can repeat it in a way that will give justice...
An old farmer was traveling down a farm road with a horse in a trailer. A car approached from the opposite direction and was going directly down the center of the road, causing the farmer to swerve off the road and into a ditch. The trailer with the horse capsized and the horse was thrown out of the trailer. The farmer was also thrown from the truck and was knocked unconscious. Within a couple of minutes a state trooper showed-up. It was around this time that the farmer woke-up, and as he looked up, he saw the trooper with a shotgun asking the horse if he was OK. The horse tried to get up but couldn't...obviously he had a broken leg. The next thing he saw was the trooper shooting the horse in the head killing him. When the trooper asked the farmer if he was OK, the farmer nodded his head. Several months later, the farmer went to court to sue the driver of the car that caused him to swerve into the ditch for bodily injuries. The attorney for the defendant put the highway patrol officer on the stand and asked him what the farmer said when he was asked if he was OK...the trooper informed the court that the farmer had nodded his head saying he was OK. When the farmer went to the witness stand to give his side of the story, he told the court of how the trooper went to the horse and asked if he was OK and then immediately shot the horse when the horse did not respond favorably. The farmer says, "If you saw a trooper ask your horse if he was OK...and then turn around and shoot him in the head...what are you going to say when he asks if you are OK?" I don't think I got that exactly right but it was funny when I heard it. :) |
Hank called 911 in great distressand ylled: We were out hunting and I done shot my pal and I think he is dead.
The operator answered: Can you make sure he is dead? A loud boom was heard over the phone,followed by Hank asking: Ok, I'm sure, what now? |
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy
bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat." Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own ****ing business!" |
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one
look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?" "Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked. "Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?" "Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place." |
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