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His name was Feldman. He belonged to our temple when I was growing up.

Feldman was the most boring guy in the world. Anonymous desk job. Anonymous life. One of these guys who was always on some boring temple committee (I still don't understand people who live to be on committees- temple, church, hospital, whatever).

Like these people do, he eventually became temple president one year. As such he was the guy who traditionally makes a few announcements during the high holiday service on Yom Kippur.

Sadly, taking the podium that day, with an insanely bored reform congregation full of 1-day-a-year-Jews, was the highlight of Feldman's life. He wasn't going to let it go. And we'd all been sitting there for 3 hours (there's a reason we were reform - make the services REALLY short, so we can go out for bacon cheeseburgers afterwards).

He was supposed to make a few generic announcements: "The children's service starts at 9:00 tomorrow morning. Thank you to Irma Goldblat for stacking the prayer books. Remember to put your yarmulkes in the bin on the right as you leave."

But that wasn't good enough for Feldman. This was his lifetime ambition 5 minutes in the spotlight, and he'd prepared a ****ing speech. Not even a good speech. Just a boring-as-hell speech in which he thanked EVERY ****ING PERSON on EVERY ****ING COMMITTEE by name. And the lady who did payroll in the office. And the guy who set up the chairs. And the guy who was going to put away the chairs. And the people bringing food to the children's service. And the lady who made the lovely cake for the Silverman Bat Mitzvah. And it went ON AND ON AND ON.

As he passed the 30 minute mark of this insanity, my mother's friend Corkie, seated toward the back of the auditorium, said LOUDLY, "You have to wonder what he's like in bed!"

Feldman stopped. Then walked off as the congregation fell into hysterics.

The Rabbi needed another 10 minutes before he could coherently say the closing prayer.

Posted by Grumpy, M.D.