You may be a Muslim if.....
1. If your cousin is president of the United States....
2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher and ammo, but you can't afford shoes....
3. If you have more wives than teeth....
4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon and pork unclean.... .... .... ....
5. If you think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide....
6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against....
7. If you consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing....
8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. ...
9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four....
10. If you grow poppies and refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor....
11. Your bride is excited because she is now old enough to buy her first training bra.
Was this supposed to be a joke?
well for those who either a.) don't mind introspection (doubtful) or b.) have a brain.
You just might be a Republican tool if ...(thank you daily kos)
• You think Big Oil has our best interests in mind
• You think Health Care in the US is something everyone can afford
• You think Fox News -- is either fair, or balanced
• You think Corporate Raider Mitt Romney, actually cares about "creating jobs"
• You think that Jesus supports lying if used to defeat liberals
• You worship the idea of Jesus but reject all his teachings, like helping the poor, healing the sick and feeding the hungry
• You believe Ronald Reagan balanced the budget
• You believe the Iraq war was morally justifiable
• The only solar company you can name is Solyndra
• You're chaste on Sunday but doing the chasing the rest of the week
• You're secretly gay while supporting anti-gay legislature in Congress
• You think protecting Freedom and Liberty, means surrendering Freedom and Liberty ...
• You think the uterus, is the only thing worthy of Federal Inspections
• You think the government is out of place defending woman from rape but the government shoving a probe into a woman’s vagina against her will is OK
• You think that the quarter-billionaire graduate of Harvard law and business school is the regular guy and the modest, community-minded graduate of Harvard law school is the elitist snob
• You think jobs programs are wrong but vulture capitalists firing an entire workforce to give a few rich people millions is OK
• You support Super PACs having the right to freedom of speech, but want ordinary citizens to shut up
• You think any war is good since it puts money in your campaign contributor’s pockets
• You think birth control is an aspirin held tightly between Your knees
• You believe Mitt Romney saved the American auto industry
• You believe that Jesus was first and foremost a capitalist
• You think that all of the unemployed in this recession are just being lazy
• You think the government shouldn’t pay for food stamps to hungry citizens but should offer billions to oil companies
• You think that the government shouldn’t pay government employees to do government work but should pay contractors whose CEO’s get millions of dollars to hire employees to do government work
• You think George Bush and waterboarding got Osama bin Ladin
• You think Barack Obama is the result of a selective breeding program done by an alliance of far-thinking communists and Islamic fundamentalists back in 1961 to destroy America by getting us to elect a mixed-race kid with a funny name to president
• You think children should pay for their own health insurance by working as janitors
• You support the troops is by putting yellow ribbons on your car but won’t hire a veteran to work in your company
• You think the purpose of government is to make you rich while making everyone else poor
• You are going to prove that there is rampant voter fraud by committing voter fraud, but you get caught because you are the only one committing voter fraud
• You believe that W inherited a lousy economy from Bill Clinton and Obama's economy is all his fault
• You think the reason Republicans lose elections is because they aren't conservative ENOUGH
• You think Ronald Reagan would be elected as a Republican today
Way too many people have no earthly idea what a Conservative is. This list proves it.
Where there is yin, there must also be yang...
In the interest of fair play I mean...
IQ tests should be used to stop the death penalty, but not to determine admission to AP classes.
The Ten Commandments in schools will hurt the children, but “Heather Has Two Mommies” won’t.
African-American, Queer and Women’s Studies prepare young people for good careers, but a biology major is an outdated relic of white, misogynist domination.
College students must protest the President (before Obama was elected), but never challenge anything the professor says.
Math tests are racist, but there is nothing racist about blacks being admitted over more qualified white applicants.
Spending 4 years - make that 5 years - repeating your professor’s liberal slogans is a solid education, but demanding that colleges present all view-points and actually teach the subject is “anti-intellectualism.”
McCarthyism was wrong, but black-listing “right-wingers” from ever teaching in college is just plain old common sense. A right-winger is anyone who doesn’t toe the line on all issues.
Education is about “feeling,” not knowing. Logic is the product of white male supremacy in our culture.
After spending 5 years in college, you still don’t know when the Civil War took place and you are absolutely certain it had nothing to do with freeing black slaves.
Meat is bad for you. So is milk. But marijuana gets you ready for your finals.
AIDS is caused by poverty. So is crime. And membership in the Republican party.
You march to raise awareness about breast cancer, but believe it’s caused by sexism and infant mortality is caused by racism.
You want to outlaw cigarettes and legalize marijuana.
Global Cooling for 10 years proves that there is global warming.
You fly on private jets, but feel free to tell others to use only one square of toilet paper to save the environment.
You think that using less toilet paper will be good for the air.
The best way to care about a disease is to wear a ribbon. You must also prevent pharmaceutical companies from making a profit.
People should be allowed to euthanize themselves, but not to eat in McDonald’s.
Career welfare recipients are fat because they can’t afford food.
You preach to everyone that diversity is our greatest strength, but you paid half a million dollars more for a house in an all-white suburb than you could’ve for the same house in a black neighborhood.
You see racist code-words in all media except in hip-hop singles such as “Kill The White People”.
You wonder out loud, “Why can’t we all just get along?”
You oppose all racial prejudice, but think all whites are racist, consciously or not.
IQ tests are completely invalid and there are no differences between people, except when an anonymous blogger posts that all the Red States have a borderline retarded IQ and all the Blue states are made up exclusively of intellectually gifted people. Then you feel the need to send the blog post to everyone you know as conclusive proof that voting for Democrats makes you smart.
You greet a black person with, “Yo Bro!”
Indians created the United States and Europe became great as a result of Islamic influences. On second thought, Europe isn’t great.
You can’t believe you were so racist as to say that there’s something great about Europe except their Social Democrat parties.
Black dominance in basketball is progress, but white dominance in swimming is an outrage.
Illegal Mexicans are real Americans. Descendants of our Founding Fathers aren’t.
Racial profiling is wrong, but all serial killers are white and all Mexicans are hard-working family men.
US wants to build a wall on the Mexican and not Canadian border because of racism, not because 20 million Mexicans and almost no Canadians cross into the U.S. illegally.
There is no correlation between Islamic immigration to Europe and increased anti-Semitic attacks against European Jews.
Prostitution empowers women, but having a man open the door for you is degrading.
You get out of bed, look at your naked body and at your wife’s, and then think: “gender is a social construct that has no basis in science”.
On second thought, you got married in Vermont and your wife’s name is Thomas.
Your dog is smaller than your cat.
You bought your son a doll and your daughter a toy truck just to prove that gender is a social construct.
You then gave your son a “time-out” for pretending that the doll is an enemy soldier. Such violence will not be accepted.
When your 2-year-old daughter turned the truck into a “tea party” table, your immediate thought was, “I got to her too late and she was already brainwashed by society to think she’s a little woman”.
Men are bigger, stronger and faster than women because our society is sexist.
On second thought, it’s sexist to say that men are bigger, stronger and faster.
Western women suffer at the hands of men, but Islamic women are greatly respected.
The only time you’ve ever used the word “choice” was in reference to abortion. School choice or the choice to shop at Wal-Mart should be prevented at all costs.
If you are a man, your hair is longer than your girlfriend’s.
Women should stop listening to their husbands and start listening to you.
There’s never a reason to hit a woman, unless she’s Ann Coulter or another conservative, in which case, she had it coming for having a mind of her own and disagreeing with you.
People are born with a sexual orientation, but gender is a social construct and nobody is really born with male or female qualities.
You agree with your cross-dressing friend that “our society” is just “too focused” on genitals in determining a person’s sex instead of determining gender by looking at the person’s clothes. Just because she has a penis instead of a vagina, chest hair instead of breasts and a prostate instead of ovaries, doesn’t mean she’s any less of a woman.
Men who are aroused by breasts are abnormal freaks, but homosexuality is biologically normal.
Men stand in front of toilets only to promote male supremacy and should be forced by the government to sit.
Great spirituality is found in Voodoo, but nothing in the Bible.
Gay students should be allowed to publicly kiss in class, but Christians shouldn’t be allowed to quietly pray during a break.
The Christmas tree should be banned from public view, but that anyone objecting to pornography “only has to look the other way.”
When a Western woman travels to the Middle East, she should respect their traditions and cover up. When Moslems illegally infiltrate Europe, they have the right to expect the Westerners to adjust to them. If the Europeans don’t, Moslems have every right to riot.
Christianity is a threat. Islam is a religion of peace.
The Constitution allows desecration of the flag, but makes it strictly illegal to desecrate the Koran.
You found where the right to an abortion is written in the Constitution, but cannot find where the Constitution provides for a right to bear arms.
None of the Constitutional Rights you believe in are actually written in the U.S. Constitution.
Constitutional rights that are actually written in the Constitution are outdated and should be ignored.
The First Amendment’s Freedom of Speech must take a back seat to sensitivity.
You think that the Declaration of Independence is a legally-binding document, but the Constitution should be read any which way you want.
On second thought, the only thing binding about the Declaration of Independence is the sentence “all men are created equal”. You aren’t sure what else the declaration says, but you are sure that whitey had no right to declare independence on Indians’ land.
Child molesters can live anywhere and maintain their privacy, but Wal-Mart should be limited to far-away places where children can’t be exposed to it.
Teenagers can’t control their sexual urges no matter what we do, but child molesters and rapists can after counseling.
Counseling is the proper punishment for all crimes except sexual harassment and racism.
McDonald’s should be sued for selling dangerous products, but drug dealers should be released from prisons.
Mumia is a great American, but the Founding Fathers were brutal racists and we should ignore everything they said.
A five-year-old boy who pulls a girl’s hair should be punished, but gangbangers who are caught with guns should be let go because they didn’t do anything.
Affirmative action is the way to solve racial problems in America.
Quietly reading “The Bell Curve” on the bus is harassment, but keying someone’s car for disagreeing with you is activism.
When rape and murder statistics go up, you blame poverty.
Society should take responsibility for crime, but the criminals need more understanding.
We have too many police. If the cops backed off, the ghetto would be pristine.
America and Israel are the only problems in the Middle East.
Four year old babies should be frisked at the airport because focusing on nervous young Arabs would be discriminatory.
Hezbollah is a legitimate political party, but Republicans are just a bunch of racist haters who should never be exposed to kids or college students.
It is wrong to kill terror leaders without a trial, but blowing up buses and airplanes is legitimate resistance.
Your peace rally consists of supporters of Hamas, Hezbollah and Saddam Hussein.
You say, “Why do they hate us?” when America is attacked and “we’re just furthering the cycle of violence” when we retaliate.
You aren’t unpatriotic, but you just can’t remember the last time you sided with the United States … on anything… against any country.
If you support the United States, you are blind idiot who wraps himself in patriotism. If you support Israel, you fell for Zionist propaganda. If you side with Islamists, you truly understand international politics and your views are intricate and nuanced.
We had no business going to Afghanistan, but bombing Serbia in the 1990s on behalf of Islamic terrorist Kosovo Liberation Army was vital to our national interest.
Truth matters less than feelings.
You think Hamas and Robert Mugabe were fairly and democratically elected, but President Bush was not.
You tell anyone who’ll listen that our elections are fraudulent and then you fight tooth and nail to prevent states from requiring a photo ID to vote.
You are more proud of Obama’s race than of John McCain’s refusal to leave his buddies behind in Vietnamese prison.
Dan Quayle is the dumbest Vice-President ever because he believed a flash card that misspelled “potato,” but Obama is a genius despite the fact that he believes that we have more than 57 states.
You laugh at Dan Quayle, but you still can’t figure out the difference between “your” and “you’re”.
Governor Sarah Palin is unqualified, but Daughter Caroline Kennedy and Wife Hillary Clinton were great candidates for the U.S. Senate.
You are more concerned about a politician being endorsed by the NRA than al-Qaida and the Socialist Workers Party.
All recounts must continue until the Democrat takes the lead, and not a second longer.
You announce that you will move to Canada every time a Republican wins an election.
None of your friends ever voted for a Republican.
People who don’t chat, “Bush Lied, People Died” are all stupid.
Barbra Streisand knows more about politics than Newt Gingrich.
95% of blacks voting for a black guy is normal, but 55% of whites voting for the white candidate is a sign of how flawed our racist voting system is.
You call yourself ‘progressive’ but oppose all progress because somebody might get fired and replaced by a cheap and more efficient computer program.
Capitalism is the cause of poverty.
People aren’t successful, they are privileged.
People don’t earn. They deserve.
The Christian Right shouldn’t impose their morality on you, but you want to impose big government on everyone else because otherwise they won’t do the right thing.
You think that consenting adults can engage freely in every activity except capitalism.
You think the case for global warming is proven without a shadow of a doubt, but that we need another century or two worth of evidence to figure out if capitalism and free markets work better than socialism.
It’s obscene that oil companies are allowed to make 8.3 cents per gallon in profit with gas prices this high, but it’s ok for the government to make several times more than that in taxes.
McDonald’s gives people an option to supersize their meal because it is purposely trying to kill black people by giving them heart disease, cancer, diabetes and stroke.
You are steeped in compassion, but never gave money to charity or donated blood.
Your favorite sport is soccer. You pronounce it “foot-bowl”. You can’t name a single player or when was the last World Cup. You never actually watched a soccer match, but saying “footbowl” seems like a good answer to give when you are drinking your caramel latte with scones.
Your other interests are Ballet, Opera and Gangsta Rap.
You favor games where you don’t keep score, run or in any way risk bruising yourself.
You really wish to go to India to study spiritualism there, but you wouldn’t be caught dead in a church.
Your car has 8 bumper stickers calling Republicans morons and saying that Bush is a murderer, but that “McCain/Palin” bumper stick you just saw is really offensive so you just had to scratch that car with your key.
You wear a Yasser Arafat head scarf, but laugh at those who wear formal ties.
Playing competitive sports could do permanent harm to teenagers, but smoking weed daily and occasionally trying hard drugs is just something all college students do.
Fox News is biased, but Al Jazeerah isn’t. In fact, Fox News invented media bias.
Rush Limbaugh and Michael Reagan are mean-spirited racists and promote hate crime, but Maxine Waters, John Conyers and Louis Farrakhan aren’t and don’t.
Rush Limbaugh’s listeners are mindless “dittoheads,” but you have never doubted anything that you heard from Michael Moore.
Assaulting the President by throwing shoes at him is free speech, but political cartoons about Muhammad aren’t.
Freedom of speech means the right to scream when a conservative tries to speak in order to prevent anyone from hearing his views.
Freedom of speech applies to terrorists, not conservative radio talk show hosts.
Everyone who disagrees with you must be reported for racism to your employer, university dean and the police.
After making the report, you are shocked that racism is not a crime and that the offender won’t won’t be locked up.
I tried to make it through that last one but it's just too long.
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