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tombenson 10-25-2005 04:40 PM

Greetings From San Antonio!
 
Hello again, my homeless little Who Dats,

Once again, it is I, the owner of your wayward team. I am currently on my third *****ly Pear Cactus Margarita, and enjoying the view of San Antonio’s spectacular Riverwalk from my riverside table at Boudro’s. Phil’s here too. What’s that Phil? He wants me to ask ya’ll if San Antonio can have Mardi Gras too. Bwa Hah Ha!!! Phil, you’re too much, baby! That city has more problems than an entire season of Dr. Phil!

And, speaking of problems, many New Orleanians are beginning to notice that they’re having a little trouble buying tickets to the Saints-Dolphins game. I know all of you thought you’d be making a statement to Paul Tagliabue by selling out Tiger Stadium, but did you really think I’d allow that to happen? Have you seen our Baton Rouge ticket office with its highly technical staff! HAH! Seriously, I’ve got a Furby answering the phone. That’s right! A friggin’ Furby! And, ya’ll keep calling, so I keep having to buy more Furbies to take the calls. Keep this up and the only thing you rubes will be selling out is Toys R Us!

So, since I’m being forced back to that depressingly hot, economic wasteland of a state that you people still call a home, I will make damn sure you don’t get that sell out you’re looking for! Oh, I’ll let you come close enough to recoup my expenses, New Orleans, but, as always, you’ll fall woefully short. A national television audience will tune in, and, oh, and what a sight it will be. Cameras will pan the crowd to see, instead of concession vendors selling beer and hot dogs, Red Cross volunteers handing out water and MRE’s.

As you can see, I am in a particularly good mood today despite that asinine article by Ian O’Conner in the USA Today. I assure you that Mr. O’Connor has never run a business, and doesn’t know the first thing about what it takes to keep a business competitive, let alone an NFL franchise.

Rest assured that sappy sentimentality oozing from a bleeding heart doesn’t pay the bills, Mr. O’Connor. I’ve got payrolls! I’ve got overhead! I’ve got business expenses from having to continually relocate this team, and now, I’ve got to temporarily relocate them to Baton Rouge, the armpit of Louisiana. Certainly, Katrina’s greatest victims have been Tom Benson and the New Orleans Saints, yet we’re treated as villains.

Well, unlike the thousands of you people still sleeping in shelters and collecting any government assistance you can get your greedy little hands on, Tom Benson doesn’t need a handout, and he doesn’t want anyone feeling sorry for him. I’m a survivor, baby! When Gracie, my wife of 21 years, passed away, I didn’t sit around moping and feeling sorry for myself. I was out looking for someone younger and prettier, and, within the year, I was married to my new wife, Gayle. People said, “Tom, its too soon. Don’t you think you should respect and honor Grace’s memory?� I said, “I bought her a headstone! What the hell more do you people want from me?!?�

Take the advice of someone who is a businessman, a multimillionaire, and a success. People don’t become successful by bawling whenever life deals you a crummy hand! Don’t like your contract? Negotiate a better one! Your wife died? Find a live one! Your city flooded? Move to a dryer one! God, you crybabies make me sick. Hurricanes are God’s way of telling you, “Get off my land!� So, quit your whining and move on! There are McDonalds and Walmarts in other states you people can work at.

Sincerely,

Tom Benson

TheDeuce 10-25-2005 05:07 PM

RE: Greetings From San Antonio!
 
How ironic would it be if this was actually Tom Benson....

TheGambler 11-04-2005 11:21 AM

No, this isn't Tom Benson.........because this guy is 10 times smarter than Benson.

That part about the MRE's and water bottles is COMEDY GOLD.

Docoperater 11-04-2005 04:27 PM

That was classic, man if U could roll that off your tongue without reading it, Jim Rome would love it!!!...LOL


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