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www.profootballtalk.com All Turd Team

this is a discussion within the Saints Community Forum; a few of our guys made the list. The requirements for consideration are one or more arrests, one or more violations of the league's substance abuse policy, one or more violations of the league's steroid policy, one or more holdouts ...

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Old 07-05-2006, 08:59 AM   #1
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www.profootballtalk.com All Turd Team

a few of our guys made the list.

The requirements for consideration are one or more arrests, one or more violations of the league's substance abuse policy, one or more violations of the league's steroid policy, one or more holdouts while under contract, one or more flagrant act of rudeness and/or stupidity, and/or anything else that makes us think that there's good cause for the player to be included on the squad.

And we really want to thank all of the readers who submitted e-mails in support of their not-so-favorite players. One reader prepared an entire starting lineup, and sent us a link to it.

The link, of course, took us to the Bengals' roster.

Without further adieu (or, as the case may be, a-doo), we proudly unveil the first annual PFT All-Turd Team.

On offense, we've got to begin with the poster children for the turd squad -- wide receivers. At one point, we thought it would be easier to list the NFL wideouts who aren't turds. One reader suggested that we fatten up several of them for duty on the offensive line.

But then we decided to knuckle down and pick out the best of the worst.

Chris Henry, WR, Bengals: If you don't know why Henry qualifies for a spot on this team, then you've been spending too much time watching the World Cup. (Actually, if you've been spending any time watching the World Cup, you've been spending too much time watching the World Cup.) Henry has been arrested four times since December, and he was generally regarded as a first-rate turd-in-training while at West Virginia University. This might be his only year on our All-Turd Team because, by 2007, he'll be playing in Canada. Or Attica.

Terrell Owens, WR, Cowboys: Though he's never been arrested or popped for any substance or steroid policy violation during his time in the NFL, this guy is the epitome of a turd. Even worse, he knows how to turn his turdishness on and off to suit his situation. Though he's a a supremely gifted player, he only loves him some him -- and he would have been better off in a sport that he can play alone.

Santurdio, WR, Steelers: Sure, he hasn't even signed his first NFL contract. But with two arrests in less than a month, he's earned his spot. (And thanks to the reader who suggested an alternative nickname -- SanQuentino -- since that's possibly going to be his ultimate destination.)

Plaxico Burress, WR, Giants: Quits on his team -- if only he'd quit, permanently.

Charles Rogers, WR, Lions: From No. 2 overall pick to certified piece of No. 2.

Dishonorable mention: Chad Johnson, Mike Williams, Randy Moss, Jerry Porter, Keyshawn Johnson, David Boston, Reggie Williams, Terry Glenn, Koren Robinson, Joe Horn, Javon Walker, Ashley Lelie, Donte' Stallworth, Steve Smith, Antonio Bryant, Marcus Vick, Peter Warrick, David Terrell, Eddie Kennison.

Kellen Winslow, TE, Browns: Vroom, vroom. Smash.

Randy McMichael, TE, Dolphins: Smash. Vroom, vroom.

Jerramy Stevens, TE, Seahawks: His decision to run his mouth before the Super Bowl coupled with a so-so performance in the game itself almost made us forget about his history of alleged off-field transgressions.

Kyle Turley, OL, Chiefs: Threatening to kill the head coach would qualify him for the Turd Hall of Fame, but we're cutting him a break since after a year or two with Mike Martz we'd probably want to kill him, too.

Bryant McKinnie, OL, Vikings: His alleged activities on the Love Boat (which we can't find a way to articulate without puking in a bucket) more than make up for an otherwise non-turdish tenure in the NFL.

Wayne Hunter, OL, Jags: Dumped by the Seahawks after multiple arrests; welcomed with open arms by the Jags.

Ross Verba, OL, Lions: Paid back a ton of money to become a free agent and got . . . no . . . offers.

Sean Locklear, OL, Seahawks: He's only (only?) been arrested once for allegations of committing violence against a woman, but he unfortunately for him he plays a position that doesn't have all that many bad guys.

Jammal Brown, OL, Saints: Arrested just in time to sneak onto the team.

Toniu Fonoti, OL, Buccaneers: We thought about leaving him off, for fear that he'll eat us in retaliation.

Olin Kreutz, OL, Bears: General hothead who broke a teammate's jaw during an in-season visit to a local FBI shooting range.

Najeh "Dookie" Davenport, RB, Packers: Arrested for taking a crap in a dorm room closet while the girl who lived there was sleeping. This guy could become possessed by the spirit of Mother Teresa for the rest of his days and we'd still make him the charter member of the Turd Hall of Fame.

Ahman Green, RB, Packers: Another alleged wife beater.

Ricky Williams, RB, Dolphins/Argos: Ricky technically isn't eligible for the team because he won't be playing in the NFL this year because he tested positive yet again for a banned substance because he has yet to figure out the connection between the things he does on his own time and his ability to play pro football because he's, well, a dumbass. His abrupt retirement in July 2004, likely in order to duck a one-year suspension, sent the franchise into a tailspin and ultimately cost coach Dave Wannstedt his job. (Maybe that's why Nick Saban is so nice to Ricky.)

LenDale White, RB, Titans: Strike one -- friendship with Snoop Dogg. Strike two -- showing up for his Pro Day workout with a set of hooters that would turn Frank Costanza green with envy (or nausea). Strike three -- a string of lame-ass excuses for having said hooters.

Michael Pittman, RB, Buccaneers: Played bumper cars involving real cars, with his wife and child in the other vehicle.

Jamal Lewis, RB, Ravens: One of the few arrested active players who actually ended up going to jail.

Reuben Droughns, RB, Browns: Celebrates acquittal on drunk-driving charges by getting arrested for beating up his wife. (We wonder how the party would have gone if he'd been convicted.)

Michael Vick, QB, Falcons: Grossly overrated player who allegedly gave a girlfriend herpes. If only the ability to pass from the pocket were an STD . . . .

Ben Roethlisberger, QB, Steelers: One of the worst combinations of dumb and arrogant we've ever encountered.

Daunte Culpepper, QB, Dolphins: Forced his way out of Minnesota by acting like a baby back ***** (yeah, we watched The Longest Yard for inspiration) after the team wouldn't reward him financially for having a crappy season before his knee exploded.

Lord Favre, QB, Packers: Nearly ruined his career by abusing Vicodin; almost drove the entire NFL media to swallowing a case of it with his ridiculous retirement dance.

Peyton Manning, QB, Colts: Allegedly dropped his "naked butt and rectum" onto the face of a female trainer at Tennessee years before sticking his salary demands up the naked butt and rectum of his team.

Jake Plummer, QB, Broncos: Who cares about the road rage arrest? He's on this list for driving a Honda Element.

Now, for the defense of the offensive.

Leonard Little, DE, Rams: Killed a woman while driving drunk. We hope he doesn't like donuts.



Frostee Rucker, DE, Bengals: History of legal troubles didn't keep the Bengals from throwing a third-rounder 'round him.

Gerard Warren, DT, Broncos: Top-five bust who pleaded guilty to gun charges as a rookie; threatened to go for Big Ben's head and then tried to act like he didn't.

Warren Sapp, DT, Raiders: Chronic loud mouth whose best days are in his bulbous behind.

Claude Wroten, DT, Rams: Multiple marijuana issues, yet still somehow got drafted.

Ryan Pickett, DT, Packers: First-round bust who has a chance to show he's not a turd after signing with the Packers -- and then skips voluntary workouts.

Albert Haynesworth, DT, Titans: Another bust who got himself busted.

Johnathan Sullivan, DT, Patriots: Ate his way out of New Orleans. Will surely find a way to squander his second chance in New England.

Tank Johnson, DT, Bears: Threatened to kick a cop's ass. Is that one of the classes at the rookie symposium?

A.J. Nicholson, LB, Bengals: Celebrates getting drafted despite a history of legal problems by allegedly stealing $1,700 in electronics equipment from a former roommate.

Ray Lewis, LB, Ravens: Two men are butchered and no one goes to jail for it. Even if Ray didn't do it, he sure as hell knew enough to help bring the killers to justice.

Odell Thurman, LB, Bengals: The troubles of Chris Henry, Frostee Rucker, and A.J. Nicholson have been a nice diversion for a guy who some league observers think is in hotter water than any of them.

Joey Porter, LB, Steelers: Big talker who benefits from being in a linebacker-friendly system; got shot in the ass and wore shades to the White House.

LaVar Arrington, LB, Giants: Paid back $4 million to hit the market early enough to wither on the vine until signing a crappy deal.

Pacman Jones, CB, Titans: Has begun to turn it around a bit since the team made it clear he was close to getting the boot for a string of buttheaded behavior.

Fred Smoot, CB, Vikings: Another guy who doesn't know how to shut up -- except when he's in the middle of whatever it is he was doing on the Love Boat.

Charles Woodson, CB, Packers: Thanks the team for paying him more than he's worth by failing to show for voluntary workouts.

Mike McKenzie, CB, Saints: We're still trying to figure out what the hell he was thinking when he held out from Packers training camp two years ago.

Ty Law, CB, Unattached: If we could buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth, we'd be able to pay Peyton Manning. For one game.

Ricky Manning, Jr., CB, Bears: Allegedly beat a guy with his shoe at a Los Angeles Denny's only days after signing a big-money offer sheet.

Nick Harper, CB, Colts: One of the few NFL types who actually came out on the losing end of living room Grab 'Em, Stab 'Em Robots.

Sean Taylor, S, Redskins: Where do we start? The guy chronically refuses to follow the rules, spits in the face of other players, and beats people up in the offseason.

Dwight Smith, S, Saints: Arrested for pulling a gun during a road rage incident.

Mike Doss, S, Colts: Arrested for firing a gun into the air near a crowd of people.

Now for the special teams.

Mike Vanderjagt, K, Cowboys: Runs his mouth at the wrong time -- misses kicks at the right time. For the other team.

Sebastian Janikowski, K, Raiders: This guy's been a turd for so long we can't remember any of the specific things that made him one.

Todd Sauerbrun, P, Broncos: A turd dating all the way back to his college days, when as legend has it he rooted against the offense so that he could punt more. His only positive attribute in our eyes is that he hates anyone named "Gramatica."

Of course, any good team also needs a coach and other non-players. Our All-Turd Team has it's share of such folks, too.

Head coach: Marvin Lewis. (We're not saying Marvin is a turd, but only that he'd be the perfect guy to coach this squad, given the number of turds on his current team.)

G.M.: Matt Millen. (We're not saying Matt is a turd, but only that he has drafted plenty of them.)

Owner: Tom Benson. (We're not saying Mr. Benson is a turd. Wait, we are.)

Director of football operations: Fran Foley.

Team physician: Dr. James Shortt.

General counsel: Mike "DJ Dirty Sanchez" Grieco.

Ticket officer manager: Mike Tice.

Agents: Kevin and Carl Poston.
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Old 07-05-2006, 01:02 PM   #2
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RE: www.profootballtalk.com All Turd Team

Ha, they even listed Benson!
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Old 07-05-2006, 02:51 PM   #3
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You should've saved disk space and bandwitdth and merely posted a link.

Thankfully, you did include profootballtalk in the title, so you did save me valuable life time I would've squandered reading the article
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Old 07-05-2006, 02:59 PM   #4
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Entertaining.



8)
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Old 07-07-2006, 08:12 AM   #5
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highlighted the main points for you and that valuable time
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