||07-31-2003 05:24 PM
Interesting Team Overviews...
Dallas Cowboys ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â€Âœ If youÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢re a fan of a football team on which Chad Hutchinson and Quincy Carter are battling for the starting quarterback job, begin drinking immediately and heavily. To make matters worse, in his book The Final Season: My Last Year as Head Coach in the NFL (2000), 61-year-old Bill Parcells stated that ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã…Â“I donÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢t intend to be coaching when IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢m 60.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬? So thereÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢s a good chance heÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢ll just be standing there on the sidelines, staring off into space most days.
New York Giants ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â€Âœ Ever the motivator, Giants coach Jim Fassel spent a large part of the offseason honing his emotional manipulation techniques. He reportedly took acting classes to learn how to look really sad and cry on demand, as well as spending some time with U.S. Special Ops forces in case his teamÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢s performance warrants taking a hostage. ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã…Â“ItÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢s like a game now,ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬? said a team source. ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã…Â“We play crappy, he pulls out the cheap theatrics, we play better. ItÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢s like dinner theater on steroids.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬?
Philadelphia Eagles ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â€Âœ The Eagles leave behind Veterans Stadium, famous for severing the ligaments of playersÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢ knees, and move to Lincoln Financial Field, a stadium named for a president that was shot in the head. ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã…Â“The City of Brotherly LoveÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬?? How about ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã…Â“The City of Wrenching PainÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬??
Washington Redskins ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â€Âœ Pressed for comment on the RedskinsÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢ signing of four Jets in the offseason, a team official quipped, ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã…Â“We have one scout. He was supposed to be scouring the country for talent, but IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢ve got 6,435 receipts for room service and cable porn that indicate he never left New York City. He apparently managed to make it to a few Jets games, though.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬?
Chicago Bears ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â€Âœ The Bears requested that the Green Bay Packers be their opponent in the first game at the newly renovated Soldier Field, despite the fact that the Packers have taken 16 of the last 18 from the Bears. Keep in mind, though, that the Bears also requested that Kordell Stewart be their quarterback and throw inexplicable, momentum-killing interceptions, so perhaps decision making is not the organizationÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢s strong suit.
Detroit Lions ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â€Âœ The Lions are winless away from home over the last two seasons. Hmmm, a Ford product that's just awful when you take it on the road. Well, that joke just wrote itself, now didnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢t it? In an unrelated matter, I was recently surfing the LionsÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢ official site, where I learned that the teamÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢s first head coach was named Potsy Clark. Wow. Brutal.
Green Bay Packers ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â€Âœ When 7,123 people show up to watch the PackersÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢ offense play the PackersÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢ defense in a charity softball game, youÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢ve got to ask yourself, ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã…Â“How boring is Wisconsin, anyway?ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬? In a football-related matter, the Packers reportedly sent a memo to fellow NFC North division members asking if they could be declared division champions now because, according to the memo, ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã…Â“ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã‚Â¦the rest of you guys suck pretty bad, and thereÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢s really no point in anyone getting hurt.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬?
Minnesota Vikings ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â€Âœ Team officials have reportedly insisted that head coach Mike Tice drop the ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã…Â“Randy RatioÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬? (the number of times the ball is thrown to Randy Moss) in favor of a ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã…Â“Win Some Damn Games Ratio.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬? The same officials also strongly suggested a ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã…Â“Be Prepared to Make a Draft Selection When ItÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢s Our Turn RatioÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬? for next yearÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢s draft.
Atlanta Falcons ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â€Âœ The Falcons got very little work done at their offseason mini-camps when large numbers of players threw up upon seeing the teamÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢s new uniforms. On a related note, the Canadian Football League accidentally included the Falcons in their season schedule, confusing the new-look team for one of its own. In another related matter, the XFL has sued the Falcons, claiming that the defunct league holds intellectual property rights to ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã…Â“ugly-assed uniforms.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬? IÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢ll stop now. This could go on all day.
Carolina Panthers ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â€Âœ On the teamÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢s official website, thereÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢s a recurring interview item with coach John Fox called ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã…Â“From the Foxhole.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬? I cannot tell you how much I wish his name were John Ass right now. Sadly, the bland-beyond-belief Panthers really donÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢t inspire any other comments.
New Orleans Saints ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â€Âœ In perhaps the strangest move of the offseason, the entire Saints organization has converted to the ancient Mayan calendar to eliminate the possibility of ever having to play another game in the month of December. Commenting on media questions about the teamÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢s second consecutive late-season collapse, a Saints official reportedly said, ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã…Â“What, like winnings games at the end of the year is the most important thing in the world? You guys are freakinÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢ idiots.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬?
Tampa Bay Buccaneers ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â€Âœ While thereÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢s nothing funny about ramming a car carrying your wife, your son, and your babysitter, Bucs running back Michael Pittman seems to have inadvertently given new meaning to the phrase ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã…Â“banging two women at the same time.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬? The Bucs wonÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢t repeat as champs, mostly because nobody does but also because they donÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢t seem to be handling success all that well.
Arizona Cardinals ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â€Âœ In an unheralded move this offseason, the Cardinals petitioned league owners to expand the playoffs to include 28 teams, claiming that Cardinals players and coaches had the right to ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã…Â“walk the streets without people throwing bottles at them for never being able to make the playoffs.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬? Sadly, the petition was denied.
St. Louis Rams ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â€Âœ DonÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢t be alarmed by the RamsÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢ chemistry-destroying signings of former Ram-basher Kyle Turley and safety Jason Sehorn, of whom coach Mike Martz once said, ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã…Â“I wish we could play Jason Sehorn every week. WeÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢d run by his ass all the time.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬? Word out of St. Louis is that it couldÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢ve been much worse. ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã…Â“Mad ScientistÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬? Martz apparently seriously considered filling out half his roster with Islamic fundamentalists and the other half with Nazis ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã…Â“just to see what would happen.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬?
San Francisco 49ers ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â€Âœ New coach Dennis Erickson brings a 31-33 lifetime NFL record to the Niners. In Seattle, his teams went 8-8, 7-9, 8-8, and 8-8. Conversely, Erickson is 144-57-1 in the college ranks. Translation? The 49ers should seriously consider applying for membership in the PAC-10, because theyÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢ll probably finish at, oh, I donÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢t know, 8-8 every year under Erickson in the NFL.
Seattle Seahawks ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â€Âœ The Seahawks have not won more than nine games since 1986, and thereÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢s no indication that theyÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢ll win more than nine before 2086. According to a team source, ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã…Â“WeÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬Ã¢Â„Â¢re building up to it slowly. If you get too successful too soon, you just end up all messed up in the head. Look at Kurt Cobain.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢Â‚Â¬?