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TallySaint 08-11-2005 07:51 AM

NFL All-Criminal Team
The NFL All-Criminal Team

Scott Hofman

Criminal behavior and its causes have long been debated by scholars and laymen alike. Is it born or learned behavior? Nature or nurture? While there are many theories, answers are hard to come by. I personally don’t give a ****. All I know is there are an assload of shady characters in the NFL, and they have provided us the opportunity to compile and All-Criminal team for the ages. On this list there will be no Honorable Mention. You the reader will be responsible for that in the comment section below. Bear in mind there are only twenty-five roster spots (including the coach) and some positions are loaded with convicts while others tend to be more law-abiding. So with apologies to those who didn’t make the cut, we present to you The Phat Phree’s NFL All-Criminal Team.


Todd Marinovich - QB
Just last month the Artist Formerly Known as Robo-QB was arrested in a public bathroom with a bent spoon and a syringe. What better guy to lead this team? The closest most quarterbacks come to getting in trouble with the law is a DUI, but Marinovich doesn’t **** around. The spaces between his toes have seen more needles than a Christmas tree lot. Just don’t tell him to “put the smack down�... because he never will.

O.J. Simpson - RB
The Juice is an obvious choice, so we won’t spend much time with his legal qualifications for this team. Double-murder, here’s your jersey.

Lawrence Phillips - RB
Arrested too many times to count, a washout in both the NFL and the CFL, Phillips has finally found a team that will take him. Young Lawrence, well... he has women problems. He knows more about battery charges than the manufacturers of DieHard and the Energizer bunny combined. He’s beaten every girlfriend he ever had and once punched a woman in the face after she refused to dance with him at a Miami night club. While at Nebraska, in what may be his most famous carry, he was accused of breaking into his ex’s room, dragging her by the hair down three flights of stairs, and jacking her head against a mailbox, which also earns him a nomination for the All-Caveman Team.

Rae Carruth - WR
Guilty of the most heinous crime in the history of the NFL (remember, OJ was acquitted), Carruth is an obvious choice. He orchestrated the execution-style murder of his pregnant girlfriend because she refused to have an abortion. While he only got into the end zone four times in his short career, you can rest assured that this wideout has been on the receiving end of numerous scoring drives since arriving in state correctional facilities, most of which were led by a couple of guys with swastika tattoos.

Michael Irvin - WR
With all the cocaine he’s done in his life, he could probably chalk the entire Texas Stadium field. He kept the Tarrant County courtrooms busy in the late 90’s, and despite finding God (was he lost?), he managed to mix in a few drug charges in this millennium too. His roster spot is further solidified by the fact that he once had a hit out on him – by a cop. Former Dallas police officer Johnnie Hernandez was arrested after he paid $2960 to an undercover DEA agent in order to have Irvin murdered. Awesome.

Mark Chmura - TE
Despite being acquitted on charges of sexual assault and child enticement, 'Chewy' gets the starting nod at tight end. Who knows what really went down with him and that 17 year-old in the bathroom of a drunken prom party? All we know is this – the court of public opinion is a *****.

Barret Robbins - OL
Previously best known for disappearing the night before Oakland's Super Bowl thrashing in 2003, Robbins trumped that the following year by attacking three police officers who, being armed, shot him twice in the chest. Police reports indicate that even after being shot Robbins continued to attack the officers, which is just the kind of spunk we need on this team. The good news is that Robbins survived his wounds. The bad news is that he is facing three counts of attempted murder of a police officer.

Nate Newton - OL
Newton was a shoe-in for this team when he got busted in Louisiana with 213 pounds of marijuana after being pulled over for a traffic violation (who breaks traffic laws with a van full of drugs?), but then he made a serious case to become a team captain six weeks later when, while out on bail, he got busted again. This time it was 175 pounds of marijuana in the trunk of his car. One thing’s for sure - when it’s fourth and long, we know ol’ Nate is down to 'go for it'.

Justin Strzelczyk - OL
Aside from only having one vowel in his last name (not counting “y�), Strzelczyk also had only one great defining moment. After a hit-and-run accident in New York, police chased his pickup 40 miles, during which Strzelczyk flipped off troopers and at one point threw a beer bottle at them. In the end, Strzelczyk crashed head on at 90 miles per hour into a tanker truck carrying corrosive acid, leaving an explosive scene police compared to an airplane crash. Strzelczyk didn’t make it out alive, he did, literally, go down in a 'blaze of glory', and you gotta respect that. And for those concerned, the driver of the tanker escaped with only minor injuries.

Chris Terry - OL
Arrested for wife beating in 2002. While that’s nothing new in the NFL, it is worth noting that in this instance he slammed her into a wall, head-butted her and stuffed her face into a pillow – while their two children watched. Our scouts feel these characteristics will be very helpful in stopping the pass rush on our quarterback, who is slow of foot and, of course, a smackhead.

Keno Hills - OL
Heroin and weapons charges for the former Southwestern Louisiana Rajin' Cajun. Hills makes the team for his ability to acquire a fix for Marinovich in the event of a mid-game withdrawal, ala "Playmakers". While the charges against him could have led to life in prison, they were later dropped. His starting spot is further solidified due to the fact that his first name is gambling related.


Ray Lewis - LB
Arrested in 2000 following a Super Bowl party on two counts of first-degree murder. The charges were later dropped and Lewis pled guilty to a misdemeanor charge of obstruction of justice. While the serious charges were dropped, Lewis did pay out undisclosed amounts to the two victims’ family, which is not something that innocent people tend to do. He’s a real playmaker, he was on the cover of Madden 2005, and he does that spastic dance that America seems to love, so his image has recovered quite a bit, but he can’t fool us. Welcome aboard, Ray-Ray.

Lawrence Taylor - LB
Went from cracking heads to crack head in record time. In his now infamous "60 Minutes" interview, Taylor claimed to have spent thousands of dollars a day on narcotics and to have hired prostitutes to go to opponents’ hotel rooms the night before games. He’s had numerous drug related arrests along with a tax evasion charge. Regarding his lifestyle in the late 1990s Taylor described his home as “like a crackhouse.� Our kind of player.

Bill Romanowski - LB
Romo was indicted by a grand jury in 2000 for allegedly obtaining phentermine, a diet drug with stimulant properties, under false pretenses. He was later acquitted but he is currently linked to the BALCO steroid scandal. He broke the orbital bone of teammate Marcus Williams in practice and effectively ended his career. He’s been fined for numerous violent on-field incidents and spat in the face of wide receiver J.J. Stokes on Monday Night Football. And while it’s not illegal, he’s a total racist.

Alonzo Spellman - DL
Spellman is the only member of this team to have been charged with terrorizing passengers on a commercial flight and forcing an emergency landing. According to investigators, once on the ground Spellman told the pilot “I am about to rip your throat out.� Add to the mix weapons charges, a standoff with police from inside his publicist’s home and the usual DUI and failure to appear charges, and you’ve got a starting D-lineman.

Darrell Russell - DL
A repeat offender of the NFL’s substance abuse policy, Russell actually broke it so many times that he’s out of football. His weakness? Ecstasy. I know, I know- whose isn't?- but Russell was also charged with 25 felonies as an accomplice stemming from the videotaped rape of a woman by two of his friends. Prosecutors charged that he was the one behind the camera, but later dropped charges due to concern they would not win a jury conviction. However, Darrell Russell remains the only scumbag on the team that knows who Paul Oakenfold is.

Mark Gastineau - DE
Assault, drug possession and woman-beating (burned a girlfriend with a cigarette lighter) are some of the charges he’s faced. Repeated parole violations led to 11 months in Riker's Island prison. He admitted to using steroids while he played for the Jets. After his football career, he got into boxing. He finished with a 15-2 record and widely circulated reports that he was involved in fixed fights. And while we weren’t again aware it had been lost, Gastineau claims to have found religion.

Jim Dunaway - DE
Charged with murder in the death of his former wife, Dunaway is the unpublicized OJ Simpson (and, in fact, was a teammate of The Juice in Buffalo for three seasons). Prior to her death, she had won a divorce judgment that gave her more than 800 acres the couple owned, $1,800 a month in alimony and half of Dunaway's NFL pension. A grand jury assigned to the case did not indict him (“if you didn’t see them fight, you must not indict�). His kids then sued him in a civil suit and won. That doesn't mean he did it. Um.

Gene Atkins - S
Arrested for firebombing a former business associate but was later acquitted. Most recently he barricaded himself in his house after his wife called police claiming he had shoved her against a wall, choked her, bit her and then beat her with a remote control. Then, when told by police that he was under arrest, Atkins replied, “No I’m not� and punched the officer in the throat, then pushed him outside the home. Surprisingly the police didn't agree, re-entered the home, found Atkins holding four knives, and summarily dropped him with a 'hot shot' from a Taser gun.

Eugene Robinson - S
On the eve of the Super Bowl and a mere twelve hours after receiving the Bart Starr Award from Athletes in Action, an award honoring high moral character, Robinson was busted for offering an undercover Miami policewoman $40 for oral sex. While his record is otherwise spotless, the sheer publicity this arrest generated warrants a starting spot in our secondary. Plus he’s the only guy that God will allow to do the team prayer.

Corey Fuller - CB
One of the few players on this team not arrested for fighting outside a bar, beating, raping or killing a woman or any sort of narcotics charge, Fuller seems out of place on this team. He was however charged with hosting high-stakes card games at his house, which was also the site of a shootout. In that event, an assailant attempted to rob the card game and a shootout ensued in which approximately 20 rounds were fired between Fuller and the man. Although only feelings were hurt in the end, that’s still some Wild West ****. It definitely earns Fuller a spot at cornerback.

Samari Rolle - CB
The cornerback position is surprisingly thin on criminals so Rolle edges out Ty Law (crossing international borders with 'Ex') for a roster spot. His crime? Spousal abuse (yawn). And while pedestrian compared to his newest teammates’ rap sheets, it should be pointed out that the altercation took place on Valentine’s Day. Where’s the love, Samari?


Sebastian Janikowski - K
Ah, See-Bass. Everyone's favorite out-of-control Slav. He’s been arrested for bar fights, drinking and driving (.20 BAC), reckless driving, bribing a police officer, evidence tampering and possession of a drug best known in the media as “the date rape drug.� (See-Bass reportedly administered the drug to himself! Hey, how many Pol- never mind). Oh, and it should also be noted that while playing a position that usually features the most diminutive guys on the field Janikowski stands 6’2 and weighs 250 pounds. Big Krazy Kicker! In his defense, a bar owner once said of him, “It’s his Polish accent; he always sounds wasted.� That or he really is, you know, always wasted. My money’s on the latter.

Todd Sauerbrun - P
Punters are not exactly known to be the criminal type, but Sauerbrun stands out as the most rebellious of the bunch – he got a DWI. And- hold your breath- he was also charged with driving with a revoked license. And in a hilarious aside, he has a running feud with the Gramatica family. Martin, Bill and even baby brother Santiago are all players he refuses to share a uniform with. No worries, Todd, unless one of them holds up a Dairy Queen, it’ll be just you and Sebastian.


Jimmy Johnson - Coach
Seeing as how he’s already coached half this team, he’s the obvious choice for the job. Whether you’re looking at his days at the University of Miami or with the Dallas Cowboys, this guy has never met a criminal he wouldn’t put in the starting lineup. While he has never been charged with a crime, he has been known to associate with individuals that could best be described as unsavory.


WhoDat 08-11-2005 08:57 AM

RE: NFL All-Criminal Team

Gene Atkins - S
Arrested for firebombing a former business associate but was later acquitted. Most recently he barricaded himself in his house after his wife called police claiming he had shoved her against a wall, choked her, bit her and then beat her with a remote control. Then, when told by police that he was under arrest, Atkins replied, “No I’m not� and punched the officer in the throat, then pushed him outside the home. Surprisingly the police didn't agree, re-entered the home, found Atkins holding four knives, and summarily dropped him with a 'hot shot' from a Taser gun.
Ah man. Gene was a good safety for us. Didn't know he was a head case... and where's Kyle Turley on that list? :)

papz 08-11-2005 09:35 AM

RE: NFL All-Criminal Team
Me either... wow.

Tobias-Reiper 08-11-2005 11:35 AM

RE: NFL All-Criminal Team
.. no Cecil?

coastalkid 08-12-2005 01:35 AM

Barry Switzer and his gun smuggling incident along with the fact he also coached as many criminals as Jimmy did I think would make him a better choice for warden than Jimmy.

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