Eff You, Pelicans Are Awesome: A Defense Of The NBA’s Best New Team Name

CharityMike · 12-07-2012, 10:21 PM

Great find Sainttommy! It deserves it's own thread!

So it looks like the New Orleans Hornets are going to change their name to become the Pelicans. You look around, and there are a bunch of smartasses making fun of this new name. Oh, a pelican, that's intimidating, they sneer. Well, here's what's up. These people don't know anything about good team names, and they sure as **** don't know anything about pelicans.
You're probably picturing a big, clumsy poof of a bird stumbling around in the shallows, picking at weeds. Wrong. The pelican is fearsome. Take a raven, for example: it's omnivorous. It eats bugs, and seeds, and fruit, and carrion. Compared to the well-rounded citizen that is the raven, the pelican is the serial killer of birds. Not only is it a carnivore—it is a hypercarnivore. (That's a scientific term; look it up.) The pelican eats meat, and only meat. The pelican doesn't eat anything that didn't used to be alive. What's more—unlike an eagle or a falcon—the pelican almost never scavenges someone else's kill. It craves warm flesh, so it gets the job done itself.

Oh, it splashes around in the water and gulps down fish that are just swimming by, that's not hunting, is a thing that fools say. While it's true that the White Pelican dips its head underwater and scoops out the fish, that's not the pelican we're talking about here. The Brown Pelican is the state bird of Louisiana, and it's the only species of pelican that dives to catch its prey. The Brown Pelican is a raptor, without the stupid purple dinosaur logo.

It cruises above the water, its eyesight so good that it can see fish beneath the surface from 60 feet up. Then it spirals into a death dive, streaking down upon the unsuspecting prey before it knows what hit it. The last thing that fish ever sees is the light blinking out as the pelican's gaping beak closes around it, and it's swallowed—while still alive.

The pelican will eat as much as four pounds of fish per day, nearly half its body weight. Its bloodlust is insatiable. It wants to kill you and everyone you've ever cared about. Don't believe me? Here's a pelican eating baby ducklings. And because that's not cruel enough, it makes their mother watch.
READ MORE: **** You, Pelicans Are Awesome: A Defense Of The NBA's Best New Team Name

12-07-2012, 10:21 PM	#1
CharityMike Site Donor 2018 Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: Mid City, New Orleans Posts: 3,556	Eff You, Pelicans Are Awesome: A Defense Of The NBA’s Best New Team Name Great find Sainttommy! It deserves it's own thread! So it looks like the New Orleans Hornets are going to change their name to become the Pelicans. You look around, and there are a bunch of smartasses making fun of this new name. Oh, a pelican, that's intimidating, they sneer. Well, here's what's up. These people don't know anything about good team names, and they sure as ** don't know anything about pelicans. You're probably picturing a big, clumsy poof of a bird stumbling around in the shallows, picking at weeds. Wrong. The pelican is fearsome. Take a raven, for example: it's omnivorous. It eats bugs, and seeds, and fruit, and carrion. Compared to the well-rounded citizen that is the raven, the pelican is the serial killer of birds. Not only is it a carnivore—it is a hypercarnivore. (That's a scientific term; look it up.) The pelican eats meat, and only meat. The pelican doesn't eat anything that didn't used to be alive. What's more—unlike an eagle or a falcon—the pelican almost never scavenges someone else's kill. It craves warm flesh, so it gets the job done itself. Oh, it splashes around in the water and gulps down fish that are just swimming by, that's not hunting, is a thing that fools say. While it's true that the White Pelican dips its head underwater and scoops out the fish, that's not the pelican we're talking about here. The Brown Pelican is the state bird of Louisiana, and it's the only species of pelican that dives to catch its prey. The Brown Pelican is a raptor, without the stupid purple dinosaur logo. It cruises above the water, its eyesight so good that it can see fish beneath the surface from 60 feet up. Then it spirals into a death dive, streaking down upon the unsuspecting prey before it knows what hit it. The last thing that fish ever sees is the light blinking out as the pelican's gaping beak closes around it, and it's swallowed—while still alive. The pelican will eat as much as four pounds of fish per day, nearly half its body weight. Its bloodlust is insatiable. It wants to kill you and everyone you've ever cared about. Don't believe me? Here's a pelican eating baby ducklings. And because that's not cruel enough, it makes their mother watch. READ MORE: ** You, Pelicans Are Awesome: A Defense Of The NBA's Best New Team Name st thomas and SloMotion like this.