SmashMouth

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N," she answered.

st thomas

Ahhhhhh

WhoDat!656

Some football humor

“Gentlemen, this is a football.” on the first day of training and “Winning isn’t everything…it’s the only thing.”

Vince Lombardi

"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football"....WOW - John Heisman

"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." – Bear Bryant / Alabama

" It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!” - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money, and we don't have any." – Erik Russell / Georgia Southern

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." - Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Notre Dame

"When you win, nothing hurts." - Joe Namath / Alabama

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you." - Woody Hayes / Ohio State

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." - Bob Devaney / Nebraska

"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant." - Wally Butts / Georgia

"I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's." – Alex Karras / Iowa

"My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.” - Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

" Always remember Goliath was a 40-point favorite over David." - Shug Jordan / Auburn

"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me ." He said, "Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good." - Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." - Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was; "All those who need showers, take them." - John McKay / USC

" If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.” - Murray Warmath / Minnesota

"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb." - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches." - Darrell Royal / Texas

"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking." - John McKay / USC

"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players." - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words.”

Why do Auburn fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.

many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course.

How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.

Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, " Look, a dead bird." The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"

What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise."

If three Rutgers football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.

How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend? There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.

University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week .

The other half will have to dress themselves.

How is the Kansas football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

How do you get a former University of Miami football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

When the FSU library burned down Steve Spurrier said it was a real shame “cause a lot of those books hadn’t even been colored yet.”

Farmer in Alabama had a son who was a pretty good football player and he wanted to send him to Auburn. He had low SAT scores but the farmer had given vast amounts to the school.

So the administration gave the boy a test…one question. “What’s what.”

The boy couldn’t come up with an answer. So he went home but applied the next year.

Same thing. Gave him a test with one question. “What’s what.”

Still no answer.

So the farmer gave up and put him to working on the farm.

The boy is plowing on the tractor when his girlfriend, Saddie Mae comes out with a cold drink for him.

As she waits for him on the top railing of the fence in a dress he walks over to her. She isn’t wear anything underneath the dress and a gust of wind catches the dress and blows it up.

The boy sees what’s underneath and says, What’s that?”

She says, “What’s what?”

He says, “Damn, if I knew that I’d be a junior now at Auburn.”

Q: What does the “N” on the Cornhuskers helmet stand for?
A: “Knowledge”

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

SmashMouth

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”
Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

WhoDat!656

The making of a politician...

A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it.

As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened.

His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially.

When their father’s time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash

He later went on to become a member of Congress..

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

jeanpierre

My favorite comedian...

SmashMouth

I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

WhoDat!656

I made my password 'wrong', so when I forget it the site tells me what my password is.

SmashMouth

A guy goes to the doctor.

Guy: "Doc, I think I broke my arm in three places."

Doctor: "Well, don't go to those places!"

SmashMouth

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"