SmashMouth

A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili.

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

SmashMouth

If smoking Marijuana causes short term memory loss,

what does smoking Marijuana do?

SmashMouth

I've come to the realization that suicide would solve all my problems...



... if I could just get the right people to try it.

SmashMouth

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”

SmashMouth

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?”
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
“Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”

dam1953

Sounds like my major professor. Dr. Lane was about as politically incorrect as you can get. So much so that by the end of each semester nearly all of his courses were devoid of women. There never were many women in most zoology courses to begin with but those that did enroll never stayed long. Thankfully, he retired long before this stupidity started.

I also recall while working on my BS that the plant pathology prof would use a slide show for his tests. The prof would show a slide and students had to identify the plant pathogen. Before one of the tests, a grad student snuck in and swapped out slide #10. Not looking at the screen, upon advancing from slide nine and instructing the students to identify the specimen a voice rang out from the back of the class....."Miss March, 1973". True story....

”It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” Charles Darwin

SmashMouth

West Virginia is so embarrassed by what’s going on in Virginia...



They have asked that people now refer to them as East Kentucky

SmashMouth

How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?

We wouldn’t know, the women always get to keep the house.

SmashMouth

A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.
All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12.67.” The man reaches in his pocket and without even looking sets exact change down on the bar.
After they finish their beers, the bartender asks, “anything else?” The man says, “Gimme a shot of bourbon.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want a double bourbon, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves them and says, “That’s $14.03.” The man reaches into his pocket and without even looking again sets exact change on the bar.
After that round, the bartender says, “What else will ya have?” The man says, “I need a Jack and Coke.” The ostrich says, “Me too!” The cat says, “I want two Jack and Cokes, and I’m only paying...”
“Half price, I know,” says the bartender. He sets them up and says, “$16.38, please.” The man reaches in his pocket a third time, and again sets exact change on the bar without counting it out.
The bartender asks the man, “How is it that every time you pay for your drink order, you can set exact change on the bar without looking?” The man says, “Well, some years ago I was walking on the beach in Egypt, and I found a magic lamp in the sand. I rubbed it, and a genie appeared and granted me three wishes for setting him free. So, with the first wish, I wished that no matter what I ever wanted to buy, I would always have exact change for it in my pocket.”
The bartender says, “That’s brilliant! Most people would wish for a million or five million or whatever. This way, you’ll never run out of money, you don’t have to worry about carrying it, and you’ll never be robbed! Absolutely brilliant.”
The man says, “I know, and thank you!”
The bartender says, “So what did you ask for with your other two wishes?” The man said “A chick with long legs and a tight puzzy.”

SmashMouth

My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday.



I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.