Srgt. Hulka

OK, my little girl told me this riddle.

When you go into the bathroom, you're an American.

When you come out of the bathroom, you're an American.

But, what are you when you're in the bathroom?

Crusader

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away Johnny! You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says, "OK, I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.

Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father's old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

Crusader

It was the first day of third grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Little Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."

The next day, in Language Class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's third grade, so most could make it half way through without too much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed." This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.

"No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."

W.T. Sherman is my favorite General. After all he did order Atlanta to be burned to the ground.

SmashMouth

What a load of crap!

Crusader

European

Beastmode

Doing your dootie?

Mardigras9

When you are over sixty who gives a s#!t?


This a$$hole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds,had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling herboobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirtyseconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, “Yesterday."

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

"Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil." - Jerry Garcia

Mardigras9

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor." It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continue.

"Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil." - Jerry Garcia

Srgt. Hulka

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!!!!

Crusader

I would always leave homework until the last minute, because I would be older and therefore wiser.