Re: Joke of the Day
 

A husband and wife were sitting in their porch swing one evening when suddenly the wife slapped her husband.

"What was that for?" the husband cried as he rubbed the side of his face.

"That's for being such a poor lover!" replied his wife.

After a few minutes, the man slapped his wife.

"What was that for?" his wife yelled as she rubbed the side of her face.

"That's for knowing the difference!" replied the husband!

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Yes they do!

Re: Joke of the Day
 

So I met this girl and she said she wants a guy thats fun and spontaneous...Yet when I tapped on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown, it is all panic and screaming...

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaning that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Wife recaps her wedding night for her Mother:

Mom: So, time for lady talk. How was it?

Wife: Well, Mom, I was so shocked. How could I NOT know this? We're standing at the foot of the bed, and it's getting hot, because, as you know, we waited. So he takes my dress off. It's obvious he is impressed. I remove his tie, his shirt, and then his pants...and OH MOM I feel so embarrassed!

Mom: Tell me child. Why did you feel that way? You said he was clearly impressed.

Wife: Well Mom, As I took his pants off - I can't believe I didn't KNOW this about him Mom!

Mom: What Child? What!

Wife: Well, Mom, when his pants hit the floor, it was then for the first time I realized..well, I married a man with only one foot! <sobs>

Mom: Now, now dear. That's nothing to be worried about. Let me tell you, when I married your father you know we waited too. And when I got HIS pants off he didn't have a foot either. All these years I've been getting by with 4 inches, and we're just fine...

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect
order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT...Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time...PRICELESS

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A fifth grade teacher walks into her class and seeds that all the boys are lined up in front of the blacboard trying to find out who can pee on the it the highest.

The teacher goes to did the principal's office to tell him what is happening in her class room.

The principal asks, "Well, what did you do about it?"

The teacher replies, "I hit the ceiling!"

The principal says, "Bravo! Bravo!"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

I remember when I got expelled from school on pajama day. Not my fault I sleep naked.

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Beaudreaux's first active duty assignment was in a military induction center.

Because he was a good talker, he was the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the most expensive supplemental form of GI insurance.

This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was providing at no charge.

The officer decided he would sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood in front of the next group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurance an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets youself killed, da government pays you beneficiary $20,000. If you takes out the supplemental insurance, which only costs you t'irty dollars a month, den da government gots ta pay you beneficary $200,000!"

"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "Which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Afghanistan first?"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of ******* who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of ******* who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down... the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen."