Last night I was talking to a good looking young woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.
I can't got back to that KFC

A hippie with long hair, beard, worn-out clothes died in a car accident and was met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gate. When St. Peter saw the young man, he informed him that he would not be allowed in heaven looking like that. He told him to go back, shower, shave, get a hair cut, and put on a long white robe. The hippie did these things and returned to the gate. St. Peter was delighted, and allowed the young man to come inside.

The man had not been inside more than a few seconds when another hippie-looking guy with long hair, unshaven beard, and tattered clothes comes ripping by him on a Harley, hits a mud puddle and splashes mud all over the young hippie's new white robe.

The hippie looks at St. Peter and says, "Hey...wait a minute! You wouldn't let me in here looking like that...why is he allowed?"

St. Peter answers, "Well...that's JC. His old man owns this place."

THE OFFICIAL TEXAS SHERIFF EXAM

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted.

We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:

six illegal aliens,
six lawyers,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six Democrats,
and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"Great attitude. You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

Was banging this lady when we heard the front door open.

She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran; but you don't get offers like that every day!!

Keep this between us guys!!
 

Maybe I should take the wife horse-riding!! ROTFLMMFWAO!!!

Once at the time of the world war, the soldiers were looting all villages of food, wine and women.

Before they could enter one such village, the villagers decide to flee, except for one young man, who had an 80-year-old grandmother.

So the soldiers found the one occupied house and tore inside. "Bring us
some food and wine" they demanded.

The young man said, "But I have only half a loaf of bread and a half bottle of wine!

"War is War, bring us the food and wine!" the soldiers demanded.

So he gives his last morsel of food and gulp of wine.

"Now, bring us a woman!"

"But the only woman here is my 80 year old grandmother!!"

"War is War, bring her to us!"

The old woman is brought and she's so frail and weak that the soldiers decide against it and say,

"We'll let you off this time.'"

Granny says, "The hell you will, War is War!"

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure

Little Johnny when presented with the fact that on average women live 5 years longer than men, and women also talk about 30,000 more words per day. He knew from experience that his mom could get mad over almost nothing. When asked why men died sooner, little Johnny took one look at this withered old grandma and said the answer was obvious. "It's because we want to."

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think men care. :-)

Guy walks into a bar and says, "Drinks for everyone, and barkeep, pour
one for yourself too." Everyone thanks him and, a few minutes later,
he buys another round for everyone including the bartender. He orders
a third round and the barkeep says, "Sure, but please pay for the
first two rounds before I pour the third." The generous guy says,
"Money? I don't have any money." The bartender kicks the crap out of
him and throws him into the street. A few minutes later he comes back
in and says, "Barkeep, drinks for everyone. But not for you. you get
nasty when you're drunk."