He Said/She Said
 

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman says, "I'll miss you."

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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

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He said- "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"

She said - "That's a good idea.! You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and snore."

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He said - "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly."

She said - "Well, you succeeded."

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He said - "Two inches more and I would be king."

She said - "Two inches less, and you'd be queen."

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He said - "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"

She said - "Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard."

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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

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"On wall in ladies room "My husband follows me everywhere..."

Written just below it "I do not!"