SAINT_MICHAEL

Here's a crazy thought for the masses waiting on the NFL to get its act together....there is no labor dispute! Just like the JFK assassination and the fake moon landing, the general public is being fooled into believing a lie. This time it is the lie that the overpaid players and the uber-rich owners are stupid enough to kill the goose that laid the golden egg by risking the NFL season over a (to them) few dollars.

No one could be this shortsighted, so the reality must be something else. Likely, it is that both sides know what the deal is going to be and have agreed to it already. So, born out of boredom and a genius idea by a low-level NFL team exec, they agreed on a plan.

“Hell” said one of the owners (I’m guessing it was Jerry Junes), “That was too damn easy. What are we gonna do now for fun during the off-season?! I done built my new stadium last year, so now what?”

“Well” said Arthur Blunk stealing an idea he heard his lackeys kicking around at the water cooler, “Why don’t we act pissed at each other? My high school girlfriend and I used to do that all the time to irritate our friends when we were bored. It worked well. Plus, the make up sex was great!”

Although Bend Rapelessberger scratches his chin thoughtfully at the Failclown’s owner’s last words, Tum Brody responds from the other side of the table. “Ummm” he begins, “I’m not sure where you’re going with this Art, but I don’t think I’d be into that.”

“No wait!” Jerry Junes shouts. “He’s right. It’s a perfect idea! Think about it. We get in this huge, fake fight for everyone to see. Then we stop talking to each other. It will drive everyone crazy! They’ll all be so wrapped up in our “dispute” and worrying if we’ll get back together and have our season that they won’t be able to focus on anything else. They’ll pay more attention to us in the off-season than they ever did before! When we do finally “settle” this thing, they’ll be so relieved, they’ll come back in droves. We’ll be able to raise ticket prices….parking fees….Sunday Ticket will go up! It’ll be a gold mine!”

“Hey, that’s not bad” Bend replies. “If we keep it up long enough, we may be able to skip OTA, training camps, and preseason games. I hate those things. They cut into my time trolling for tail at the mall. I’d be all for it then!”

“I see where you are going now”, Tum says. “So, we have a fight and go home mad. As players, we get to skip all team activities until the end of the summer and have extra long vacations. We won’t risk getting hurt in these events and cutting our careers short. Plus we get to skip the draft and start ostracizing the new players coming into the league; which we will further do by implementing the rookie pay cap we just agreed upon. Plus, like you said, the public will be hanging all over us this off-season.

“And as owners” Jerry Junes continues excitedly “We don’t have to pay for the support staff and facility fees we incur holding the off-season activities. I’m telling you guys, it’s a win/win!”

Smiling broadly, Jerry Junes and Tum Brody stand up and shake hands. “Sorry Jerry” Tum says with a broad wink. “We aren’t taking your deal”.

“Sorry to hear that Tum” Junes replies with a mock shake of his head. “I guess we’ll just have to lock you out until you guys come to your senses.”

Please note, this article is 100% pure fiction and is to be used for entertainment uses only.