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ESPN Sports Segment Reveals Science Behind Tony Romo's ****tiness | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

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BRISTOL, CT—In an installment of the popular segment broadcast Thursday night, ESPN’s “Sport Science” attempted to investigate the natural phenomena surrounding Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo’s ****tiness and provide conclusive explanations for why the Dallas veteran sucks so bad.

“We always want to highlight the athletes who perform on nearly superhuman levels,” “Sports Science” host John Brenkus said. “And really, nobody in sports presents a better case study of a player who spectacularly collapses under the pressure of a professional athletic stage than Tony Romo.”

The four-minute piece, which used high-tech motion sensors and accelerometers to measure the quarterback’s forced and ill-advised throws, revealed that Romo possesses the exceptional ability to **** up in just 0.64 seconds. The segment also sought to explain the physics involved in Romo haphazardly chucking a perfect spiral directly into the hands of an opposing cornerback.

“We observed Romo missing 98 percent of our targets,” Brenkus said. “While studying the footage, we were able to determine that his capacity to make poor decisions in less than a second greatly influence why he’s so imprecise.”

“There’s not a quarterback in the NFL who can make a mistake as quickly as Romo,” Brenkus added.

The “Sports Science” broadcast confirmed that Romo’s numerous boneheaded meltdowns in clutch situations correspond to an abnormally terrible field of vision coupled with an unparalleled knack for sloppily throwing into double coverage.

In addition, the show used computer animations of Romo’s brain to simulate the precise slowness of neural firings required for the quarterback to stand in the pocket and take a sack instead of spotting an open receiver streaking down the sideline.

Physicist and local professor Dr. Charles Dunbar, who worked as a consultant on the “Sport Science” segment, confirmed that Romo has seemed to defy logic with his horrid play over the years. Analyzing tape of the Dallas quarterback throwing four interceptions to the Giants in week eight, Dunbar said he was intrigued by how the human body could be capable of such an utterly ****ty performance.

“It was truly fascinating to scrutinize Romo’s pathetic struggles on the field,” Dunbar said. “We are finally starting to unravel the science behind the dumb **** tripping over his own feet and falling down well before the pass rushers arrive.”

“Those in the scientific community interested in studying piss poor quarterbacking truly couldn’t ask for a better subject,” Dunbar added.

dam1953

Ouch....

FinSaint

I wonder how Romo would've turned out if SP would've taken over in Dallas after Bill Parcells, naturally going on the premise that they could've convinced SP to stick around for the 2006 season?!

dam1953

Sean Payton is a great coach but even he "Can't fix stupid". Romo just seems to be one of those QBs who cycles between really good and really bad with unbelievable ease.

SloMotion

Romo reverts back to his practice-squad pedigree when under pressure during a game ... that was a point made by Terry Bradshaw last season after Romo threw those three interceptions in the second half to blow a 24pt lead against the Lions ... on the practice squad, they tell the QB to just throw it away when he gets pressure. I thought it was a pretty good observation by Bradshaw.

I do appreciate the Onion taking the scientific approach and confirming any/all opinions I've had of Romo though, .

Mardigras9

Wow, that's gotta hurt.

mutineer10

Since AB's been outta the league a few years, I guess I'll accept this as true!