Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

Except for the 1 year reprieve I took during the kneeling issue, this is the first time in 30 years as a fan that I really don't care what happens with the Saints. Perfect season and Super Bowl win in the doom. Cool. 1-16 season. Cool. I just don't feel connected to the team anymore. Nothing else holds meaning to me anymore except my financial situation and failing job search.



I'm having financial difficulties and if my financial situation doesn't improve before long I'll have trouble paying my mortgage, meaning I'll have to sell or face foreclosure. I think I could live with the failure and moving into a small affordable apartment. But we have so much stuff and nowhere to put it, and the thought of disappointing my wife in this way is very very hard to stomach.



I've been looking for a better paying job feverishly for the past 3+ months. I've applied to about 300 different companies and counting. This last week I nearly landed a position that would've payed me a 70% increase over what I'm making now. They were going to offer me the job but I lost out at the last second to an internal applicant. This crushed me. I have another initial interview next Monday, but what does it matter? Something always manages to go wrong.


My startup started but it's not getting much attention. That takes a long, long time if it does happen. People's attention is just too divided these days. Any fantasies I had about it generating money to help out are now gone. I'm happy I did it and I had fun doing it. It was a fun pet project. But the bulk of that effort has run its course, and I don't know where to go from here. Scratch that - I have nowhere to go from here.




Because the government also seems to think I'm "so rich", I'm also expected to pay nearly $1,000 a month in FAFSA loans for my daughters' college education. My dad paid for my college back in the day and I was told 6 years ago that the FAFSA was such an ideal option. Now I qualify for zero assistance or flexibility that other borrowers get. But I've been reading that if I die, then the entire loan balance is forgiven. So suicide is not just an option. It's perhaps the way the government is steering me toward.



Should I go somewhere like a behavioral center to seek treatment/assistance? My wife suggested it the other day. I'm not sure. I don't want to take away resources from someone who is younger and has brighter prospects. At 52 I've already lived too long and made too many mistakes that are becoming exponentially more difficult to overcome. There are other people that are a more worthy cause. In high school I had a classmate who killed himself and I wasn't in much better shape than he was back then. 35 years later, I'm thinking he might have had the right idea after all.



Ironically, there is a dead tree in the middle of my yard that the city is insisting I get pulled. So I've had to contract the work and it'll cost about 2k and the expense will go straight on my credit card. That's about the only thing I still have going for me: credit limit.



But that dying tree - it's right outside my window here as I type - is becoming a metaphor for my life. It needs to be removed swiftly. People don't want to sit and watch me slowly decay. These prospective employers don't want me - they want me to be gone for good.


On September 11, the night of that job rejection, I nearly resumed drinking after 15 years and 2 months of sobriety. I instead smashed some of my wife's bottles. I'd honestly rather take my life than take a drink. None of this disease of despair bull****. I'd prefer cyanide or a fall from hundreds of feet onto concrete. Be gone with swiftness and closure. Just like the tree.



Anyone with links to obtaining cyanide, please let me know. Options are good.

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

You are needed and important. Do as your wife suggested.

Dial 988 now. It is the suicide & crisis lifeline. Talk to them. Please.

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

Holy smokes, neugey. I hate hearing about this. I wish that the Saints could help take your mind off things a little as a reprieve from the stress of life but your problems require a more desperate focus.
I've gone to counseling before and didn't enjoy the first steps but it did indeed help get me through.
Please, as your friend I'm asking that you get some help. Don't do anything stupid and stay the hell away from the bottle.

You can pm me at anytime and I'd be glad to talk to you.

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

neugey, check your PM's ;)

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

Life is ****in tough sometimes brother. But you gotta fight back! Don’t grab that bottle and don’t stop trying! You will succeed if you keep fighting. Check your PMs and don’t quit. Your family and friends need you.

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

No one should feel like they're alone in struggling. Ever. This goes for anyone reading this who finds themselves in a dark place.

Feel free to send me a PM and reach out to me offline. All bull**** aside. Let's real talk.

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

Man I know we don’t know each other but please, please don’t do it. I’ve lost two people close to me over suicide. There’s always a way out brother, I promise.

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

Neugey, it’s brave of you to open up and share. Thank you. Please do as others have suggested and call for someone to talk to. Things can get better.

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

Man. Please don't do anything. I've had some rough patches before brother. Believe me.

But think about that little girl of yours. She may be in college but she's still your little girl. I know because I have a girl.

I only have a couple of questions about your situation. Are you currently employed and above your means and trying to supplement with your side business?

Or, are you unemplyed? If so, get on unemployment. No shame in that. I've done it in the past.

It can't rain all the time. And even though you feel stuck. It WILL get better. Life is always in motion. Nothing stays the same forever.

If you need to talk for real I can send you my phone number if you want it. I'll be glad to listen to whatever you have to say.

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

Brother, i am very sorry to hear of your struggles and I am also very thankful that you are courageous enough to share. Though we may not know each other personally i am very confident in saying that your family would not want you to stop fighting for them. Your role for them, is never about what you do or how much you make, it is how much you love them and lead them. As a fellow husband and father, you are critical, more than you could know for your wife and daughter(s).

This world is hard and we are not guaranteed happiness or ease but we are guaranteed the Love of God and the possibility of an eternal relationship with Him. I have a tattoo on my arm as a reminder to that "..our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all, so we fix our eyes on what is unseen, not what is seen. For what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternal." That is from 2 Corinthians 4:17-18.

I will pray for you and your family, i will ask the Lord to comfort you, to hold you close and to bless your job search my friend.

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

I feel you pain being in such a tough situation.

First and foremost your family needs you here. You have to know that even if you were out on the street penniless that your wife and daughter would want to be with you. You have to find a way to stay strong for them. They need you and you need them. If you believe nothing else believe that.

We are proud that you didn't give in to the bottle. Keep that strength and use it to get through this.

If you can find the energy, you should take the advice to find someone to talk to. Sometimes just getting a different perspective from a cooler head can be enough to get back on track.

As for the interview Monday, I suggest taking it. I know all the closed doors are frustrating. But it only takes one open door to move forward.

Now given that let's get to work solving some of your listed problems.

You gave two specific items on your list: College loans and the dead tree. This is a financial emergency. Neither of those items are important in the face of the current situation. Many of us feel that we must take care of all our bills at all cost. But right now, you have to put a pin on that loan. You must have shelter before you can move forward with anything else. As you have pointed out, that loan will still be there when you get back to it.

Same with the tree. Until the local government puts a notice on your door condemning the house for the tree, leave it alone.

If you wish to share, a few pieces of information would be helpful. First is what general area are you located? It may be possible for one of us to come out and try to help. Next is what type of business do you work in, and what type of startup do you have? One of the places one of us may be able to help is with networking opportunities, which are often used to move folks forward.

For the short term would you consider setting up/accepting a GoFundMe? That would give anyone where who wants to help an opportunity to contribute. And again that could be an additional networking opportunity.

If you have the time, we do live in a gig economy. Many folks close the gap by picking up gigs to make extra funds. Even if it's temporary, it may help getting through this.

You are not out of moves. Not by a long shot. I know it took great courage to come and talk about your situation. Many would not have done it.

We are all here to help. Continue to reach out. Collectively we can help get you through this.

SFIAH

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

Sorry for your troubles Brother. Money and things can be enjoyed. They can also be let go. Not what's important. The only thing you can ever do wrong in life is quit. That's the only way you could ever disappoint your Wife and Daughter. Absolutely please talk to someone professional. Asking for help is the action of a strong, brave man. This world needs you. You are loved.

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

Thanks everyone for your replies and encouragement. It means a lot.

The tree contractor is coming out next week to do the work. It'll go on the credit card like everything else. The way the city works, they have a deadline of October 7 on which date they would remove the tree and give me the bill.

Writing this spurred me to call Nelnet (student loan contractor). After going through a giant call tree, I asked the agent if they would prefer a $50/month payment or eliminating my debt via suicide. This got the agent to work with me and he gave me one year's forbearance and then $300-$400 payment after that. Doing this probably has put on some government watchlist, increased IRS audit chances, etc. I imagine I have zero chance of ever working or contracting for the government (assuming I'd even want to). Whatever - will deal with that later. Just hope it doesn't come back to haunt me - like many of my decisions do.

I'm not at the point of a GoFundMe or anything. I don't want to be someone else's burden like that - ever. It's just my financial situation is like the Saints salary cap management - on steroids. I just know it won't be sustainable for too much longer and I don't have Harley working for me.

When it was apparent in early June that the startup wouldn't be generating money/supplemental income and I started looking for a better paying job, and came to accept how badly my current employer is underpaying me, I set out to find a better paying job even if it kills me. And I say that last part without exaggeration, and still feel this way.

Last night I was also contemplating what I could do to earn money illegally ... hacking, stealing/selling information, somehow siphoning money, etc. Ultimately, I don't think I could handle that stress, so that's off the table. Is this a morally bankrupt thing to ponder? Probably. But something broke in my soul this week. I think of other people who have killed themselves and I see more dignity, valor in what they did. No longer viewing them as a coward, quitter, etc. Seeing moreso that some people are just destined for that kind of demise. Maybe 1 in every 1000 people. I feel like there's a chance I'm a 1/1000 type and I've defied the odds just to get this far. Thus my reluctance to keep going.

Another stress point is my job. Not necessarily overworked, but we're badly understaffed. Too much turnover in the company. A company of 50 that seems to think and act like we have 500 people. A year or so ago we finally got some venture capital and I have no earthly idea where the money has gone. We've now had a Chief Growth Officer and the company isn't growing in the least - except maybe some new clients. Like I was describing to my dad some time ago, the analogy is taking a Division II football team and putting them in the Big Ten. It don't matter how hard much effort goes in, it's just a recipe for failure. So in addition to being underpaid, I am worried the job will hit the wall and start laying off people in the next few years. The culture of the company definitely changed since I started - we're expected to bear bigger/new burdens and ask 0 questions. My boss is a great guy, but he can be kind of a perfectionist whereas I tend to be pragmatic and situational, so we sometimes butt heads in subtle ways.

I will probably call the 988 number if I get into too dark of a place. Which could come into play if I get more job rejections in the next few weeks. At my age, I get passed over like a fricking communion plate. The 988 number just feels so weird. Like, when I hear it from Guido, I think maybe he's right. But when I see Google recommend it, I feel the opposite. That company is so rotten and soulless. I can say with certainty no leadership in that organization gives a flying poo if some middle-aged twat like myself ends himself. If they could make $10 per suicide they'd probably put it at the top of their search results and generate ads for it. Anyone who has experience with an online startup knows what I'm saying about Google. That company has become a dystopian disaster.

This weekend, I'm going to try to get away from my computer more often and watch more college football downstairs. Work on a puzzle, dumb as it sounds it's something to do. I don't think I can apply for anymore jobs for awhile. Especially not cover-letter writing. Each letter feels like it wrecks my mental health. Half the jobs out there are fake listings, and even among those there are many companies that are "fake-hiring". They put the job listing out there to demonstrate growth and give their shareholders a boner. This is how the game is played now if you don't already know. And if you want to see what that can lead to ... well, here I am.

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

Man, just to echo what so many others here have already said.. Proud of you for coming forward and sharing this with us. As men in particular, it can be extremely difficult for us to admit that we're struggling, so thank you for being a good example in that respect.

I've been in a very similar situation to yours. Wife and kids, barely staying afloat financially, and it seemed like everywhere I turned there was another crisis, another expense. The thought that my family would be better off without me, not just financially, but also by not having to put up with my depression anymore, crossed my mind many times. I even made a couple of half hearted attempts at ending it, but thankfully wasn't able to see it through. I felt like there was no hope to be found. Coincidentally, my journey back from that started with a post I made in this forum as well. I was in such a desperate financial state that I started a gofundme and posted the link here asking for help. It didn't raise much money, but a few of the good folks here reached out to me privately to express their support and concern, and it was just enough of a light in my darkness to make me realize that things were perhaps not as bad as I thought. My financial situation didn't improve immediately or anything, but we managed somehow, and it gradually got better. I learned how to open up to my wife and let her help me through the depression. Today, I'm still far from being a rich man, but I'm happy. Difficult situations still arise, but my perspective is totally different. I hope that the words of encouragement from so many here do the same thing for you. We may not all know each other on a deeply personal level, but there's genuine care and concern for one another, especially when someone is going through a tough time. We're here for you buddy. You'll be in my prayers going forward. Feel free to reach out if you want or need to talk. I look forward to hearing that things have improved, because as long as you're still breathing, things will get better.

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

Tough times make tough people. Now, suck it up and get back out there! I'm serious! That is how you get out from under heavy thoughts. Refuse to accept them and embrace the challenge.

Maybe this new offense will be worth watching for a change and it will give you something good to take your mind off your problems which will go away with time. DA's defense looks really good again. We might have a complete team and only the Saints knew it to start the season. Now, every team is on high alert after our week one performance.

No matter how bad life looks there is always a sunrise for every sunset. Remember, for every action there is an opposite and reaction. Life was meant to be challenging. It brings out the best in us.

I look forward to reading your posts for years.:bng:

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

Sent my number if you want to call.

Check back in with us. You don't have to say much. Just let us know you are here.

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

I don't know the last time I posted on here, but I do hope things get better for you.

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

I am not a great emotion in words guy so I will stick to some logic.

The stuff you say about FAFSA is a little off I think and I think the kind of loan you have is federally guaranteed, so as I will go into in the next paragraph the bank might defer it forever if you keep calling every year and have nothing to lose. Fafsa is more of a general application and then the student may be offered all different sorts of grants, loans to the student, or as a third option loans that involve the parents cosigning or taking out the loan themselves. Those things have different names such as Pell Grants, Stafford Loans, Direct Plus Loans, and a bunch of other names I forget. It sounds like maybe you took out a Direct Plus Parent loan which is somewhere way down on the list of the last things the Fafsa would offer when you run out of grants and unsubsidized loans or dont qualify and the student doesnt want all the loans in their name. I would not scare poor young students away from the Fafsa if they have a good earning major and will be able to pay down loans because they will likely get Pell Grants and Stafford Loans that come with generous terms to defer payment until their income improves. In your case if you took out a Direct Plus Parent Loan I dont think that follows the student anyway, so assuming you make more than $1000 a month, you are paying other bills too, so even if that bill got eliminated your death would just shift other bills to family.

Federal Direct Plus Parent loans are guaranteed by the federal government. What that means is that if you pass away one day short of your 100th birthday having deferred and deferred payment on those loans with circumstance after circumstance, I believe the feds will pay back the bank in full with interest. Strategically what this means for you is that this bank is not in the position of a normal debt collector. They have to send bills and make calls and make reports, go through the motions, but if they can check a box that lets you reduce payments or defer, they have nothing to lose by checking that box, there is no risk to them that if they dont get you to hurry up and pay they will be left empty handed when you go on social security or pass away. They may only be able to defer for a year, because hey what if you did get that job that paid 70% more, they have to sort of try to collect, but they may just be going through the motions. So, as long as you have financial hardship, you may be able to call them every year and defer payments forever. And its probably in your best interests to always pay your mortgage and credit cards first. The student loan banks just probably dont have so much incentive to come after you.

Stuff doesn't matter much. If you have to live in an apartment it might actually be a blessing, sometimes living so close to many other people gives you more community and activities to do. You might have a pool. People who hang out at the pool might like to watch the game. Don't worry about where you will put stuff. You can give it to family if they want it or toss it if they don't. Nobody lives forever so thats what will happen to the stuff anyway eventually. If downsizing would be the solution to solve some of your problems in life, you should not rule out downsizing in order to avoid having to give away stuff, because clearly without you your wife would have to downsize and get rid of the stuff, so sacrificing yourself to save the stuff would not work. Save old family photos and such, but most knick knacks, collectibles, momentos, furniture and electronics that were expensive a long time ago new, etc are not worth worrying about. You can remember memories without your little league glove and you can buy another used table later for the 10% of its original price your used table is worth now, it doesnt matter if it cost thousands new since its not new anymore. You can take pictures of stuff to remember it by. We live in a time which giant flat screens are $200 at Walmart. Don't let your stuff own you. Jim Harbaugh is living in RV right now and nobody has it better.

Dying would disappoint your wife more than moving for numerous reasons. Loved ones dying is very depressing, they live with a 'what if' forever. Downsizing isn't always fun, but if you died she would need to downsize more having less family income, deal with all your stuff alone during the downsizing, grieve, and deal with your childrens grief. If you killed yourself while paying $1000/mo to your daughters loans, your daughter might likely feel responsible for your death, which could ruin her life. Your daughter would not likely think 'yay I am free of those loans, what a happy ending.'

The concept of failure is a construct. You are not a failure unless you think of yourself as a failure. Everyone goes through ups and down. Sean Payton had some great seasons, then went 7-9 a bunch of seasons, then had some more great seasons, and will probably go 7-9 this year, and eventually will retire from coaching, probably without another ring. Mike Ditka was a hall of fame player and coach but clearly was not the coach he once was in his second act, but still he enjoyed life. Michael Jordan did not retire on top, he retired unable to make the Wizards winners, and then failing as a GM. Maybe your best financial years are ahead of you, maybe they are behind you, but that doesn't mean you failed. People are not supposed to just keep winning and winning and winning and making more and more money and having big successes their whole life as if they are perfect gods, they are supposed to vary. Einstein's best work was in his 20's I believe, yet he carried on. As long as you keep fighting, you can think of yourself as a fighter. And if you are tired of fighting to make the most money, you can fight to live simply and humbly and spend more meaningful time with your loved ones. If you are in your 50's soon you will be in your 60's and eventually get social security as will your wife. Perhaps your qualify for some retirement plan. There are places with low cost of living you could live. And then its fun to just watch some tv, watch some sporting events, enjoy the outdoors, spend time with your immediate family, extended family, friends, just shooting the ****, watching a game, eating a hot dog, and drinking a coke.

My dad spent a large portion of his life chasing the next big thing with startups and deals that never came through like hoped. His dad did the same. I saw a reference in an old family letter that his dads dad also left the family at times to chase his fortune that never came through. I took a pay cut and moved to a smaller home to go to a job with more balance and job security in a cooler community. In the end, money is not everything.

I don't know your whole situation but you have at least a wife and daughter. It sounds like your daughter was in college. I dont know how much family you have, but you have some, maybe a lot, and maybe down the road you will have more. Maybe you are on the outs with some of them, but that stuff often heals over time, and I am sure they value their future with you. We all need family, we need people close, sometimes when one family member becomes more distant we rely on another, and losing a close family member is one less person to spend time with, confide in, rely upon, etc so nobody wants to lose a close family member. None of them would be better without you. You are not a burden. Losing you would be an emotional, financial, and logistical burden and a shock that could send them on a downward spiral. You are relied upon, not to definitely always succeed because nobody can do that, but relied on to be on their side, to be there when they need you, so they won't be alone.

You are only the 1/1000 person you think of yourself as. Be the 1/1000 steadfast in doing your best for your family person. Don't succumb to a self fulfilling prophecy of doom. If you worry about anything too much it will come true. Its more valuable to have a family member who does everything they can for you even if its not a lot and its hard than a family member who does everything for you and makes it look easy, because if its so easy who knows if they really care. Be the one who works hard not the one who guarantees easy success.

I don't think the government is putting you on any cross referenced lists from a phone conversation with a minimum wage phone rep at a bank. The government is bad at software. Nobody is turning down Apple and Microsoft and Google to write amazing software for the government that bans people who tell banks about medical issues from getting hired by government HR. The people working in government HR would be in corporate HR if they wanted to worry that much. Probably government hiring is infinitely entangled in the ADA and stuff and it could be harder for them to not hire you if you have a medical condition and are older. Applying for jobs is a pain though, I agree on that, lots of work 99% for nothing. But your job and pay check and the size of your house dont define you, being there consistently defines you.

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

Thanks Bako. You are correct on it being a Parent Plus Loan ... I was oversimplifying in calling it FAFSA.

I'm in a weird spot. I don't really feel like watching football. The commercials irritate me more than usual, just don't have the patience for them. It does feel good to shoot some pool by myself. I just can't break the balls because I'm too out of sorts right now so I just hit around.

I might try to contact/call my cousin for support. He's the cousin I feel closest to, but I haven't been in contact with him since he got out of jail last year. So maybe I feel if there's things I can say that could help him as he continues to rebound and maybe that would feel as good as the support he could give me.

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

I won't for a second pretend to know or comprehend all that you're going through and all of the obstacles you have to overcome. Nevertheless, from the bottom of my heart I encourage you to just keep on fighting and never give up!

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

I'm not sure that two guys that are down on their luck would have healthy discussions so be careful. We all want you to get over this and be happy again.

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

I had a great phone conversation and received gracious support from "leilung" last night. Awesome guy. The talk we had is helping me re-situate and possibly try some different approaches to my financial difficulty.

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

Me: I don't know if I want to go on

Kamara: I FRICKING GOT YOU

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

Honestly wish I could give you a bro-hug!

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

Glad I could help. Great conversation! We have an awesome cummunity. Mind you, we all can be a little bit of an arsehole with our opinions, but there are a bunch of truly good people here who are more than willing to give a brother (sister) support.

:bng:

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

This ought to put a smile on your face. Beating the cowgirls always puts a smile on my face. But a beat down at home to blow their winning streak was very inspirational.

Who Dat! :bng:

EDIT: This one is for you. Feel better?

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

Oh . I only got to page one.
I opened here thinking….this was about an NFL team with a tough division or a team and division you hate.

WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS.IT IS CALLED LIFE. Some problems are HARDER AND LAST LONGER AND others are just stuff more easily to work out.

All that to say, you are not alone.
1) No to hitting the bottle.
Liquor cannot handle you, but you can handle liquor and you have.
15 years, congratulations.

2) You have to get into therapy. ASAP, now. Right niw if you have not already. It is not always expensive.
While weekly sessions n the work to do, you have to get a job. Not thee job, but a job. Something to do to focus on. Idle mind and time is not good for you. Overnight stock work at Target, custodial building work overnight, Walmart overnight stock….Rouse overnight stock, Home Depot, Lowe’s…..No customers. You won’t see anybody you know. There is no shame in work, but you don’t need to be asked or answer 100 questions , you know, by people you know.

3) You made another right choice in using here as a safe space.
No judges , self- righteous people here.
. Unlike many who are just so overtaken by issues and don’t say it to catch a lifeline, and just do it, the family, friends, even strangers are not able to help , throw out a lifeline out to the person. You are calling for hrlp instead of the alternative.
This is a good thing It means you are asking for someone to listen , to understand, and throw a raft to you.

4) Yes, we have to pray. Daily, often. Just one in his/ her thoughts while walking, working, etc.
Church. Try it. . I am Catholic and go sometimes to a SouthernBaptist church to hear the music of prayer. It moves me.

5) Please keep us updated.
6) Your wife n daughter do need you. Other family, friends, neighbors would miss you and could help them, but time moves on.
With the country today and over these next four years, sorry for bringing up politics, but it is real and affects you n yours too. Your daughter needs you. She NEEDS you. Guidance, protection, family. Comfort zone. A place to belong is with her parents. Home. Safe haven be it the old house or a nice, new apartment. Working to together , you n your wife, for you two, y’all, future and your daughters too.
You were right again , thinking right again in that if this house goes, then a nice apartment or renting a nice house is good.
Y’all can get another house, but not another husband n father. You.

7) Take care.

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

[quote=leilung;1001199]
@ leilung
Good that you helped. you were a lifeline. Thanks for the update. :bng:

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

Update: All the way through to this Friday, I still felt all depressed as all hell. But at least not suicidal.

But something clicked with me on Saturday. Rather than delaying my updates for Sir Football any longer, I decided to go all-in with my improvements to make the website usable on mobile/tablet. I devised a plan to be able to gradually make these updates over the next several weeks and be able to test it all without affecting the way the website is running now.

I'm doing this all in HTML5 and responsive CSS3. Even a non-artsy guy like myself can build some fantastic stuff if you apply some effort. 100% NOT doing a native App for IOS or Android. Apps cost more and take far too long to develop. Just too many pitfalls. It's really hard to build a great app, and it takes a village to pull it off. I spent about 6 weeks last winter doing prototype apps for IOS and Android. Could I build something passable and get it out there? Probably. But how much will it really cost to go live and what kind of scrutiny will the gatekeepers at Apple/Google come up with in order to pass certification? And re-certification every time I need changes?

I have almost no users on Sir Football. By all metrics this project has been a failure so far. Yet, in spite of all this I feel I'm on the right track. The approach, the tech I'm using and the way things are turning out, I do feel very good about it. I went into this project thinking building a brand and a good product was the way. And while those things are still valuable, I learned that what is really key in the fantasy football industry is networking and building relationships. And that takes time. You have to demonstrate that your product is going to be around for the long haul. Not a one-year wonder and then poof it's gone or you make some silly decision that nukes the whole thing.

You guys did a hell of a lot to pick me up when I was down. I really appreciate it. What that showed me is basically this: people are great, companies are crap. Almost every interview processing is a freakshow of one kind or another. The job search process, and the industry itself IS SO dehumanizing. I need a safe haven to help get away from the myriad rejections I've gotten and will probably continue to get. I'd say between you guys, my family, the Saints, my music and my startup I've got a lot of things I can focus on that will empower me instead of tear me down. I'm going to do just that, rather than pour significant mental energy into the job search. If they want to hire me, they'll fricking hire me. If they want to reject me, that's on them because they're company is probably retarded anyway. I'll still apply and do interviews but I'm not going to obsess over it like I was. Doing so fuels my negativity, in ways you cannot believe.

I know we lost yesterday, but dang it that blocked punt felt so good. Literally had me in tears. If you know, you know.

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

Keep that attitude. Life is better when you make the best of it.

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

Some very good news. Thursday night I accepted a job offer with a company that is on the rise and staffed with very intelligent people. It's a work from home position that will pay considerably better.

Assuming no black swan event with the background search, I'll be starting in a few weeks. I got really lucky to land this job. It was a position that wasn't listed publicly, and an external recruiter that this company works with happened to come across my resume from another job application and suggested me. It was a "right place, right time" situation - and those are very rare for me!

Thanks everyone for being a big support system when I needed it.

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

Dude. Great news. Perserverence rules the day! (Hopefully, with a little advice from Dad as well?) ;)

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

Neugy, I'm so glad you reached out here. This forum is comprised of people from differing walks of life but as you witnessed, we're family.
I implore anyone frustrated in life needing a lifeline to reach out for help and not try to take it on by yourself. There are multiple resources out there to take advantage of if you look for it.
Congratulations on the new job!

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

That's awesome man! I'm so happy for you. Proud of you for having the courage to share your struggles, glad that we were able to shine a little light in your darkness, and thrilled that it worked out so well for you. Here's hoping the Saints manage to pull off a win today and put a neat little bow on a great week!

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

Huge!!! F*ck yeah!

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

Congratulations! I hope everything works out for you with this.

SFIAH

Re: Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note
 

Good news.
Thank you for updating us.
In this thing called life, we roll with it. We turn and change the script and we break through.
I am very happy for you and your family.