neugey

Except for the 1 year reprieve I took during the kneeling issue, this is the first time in 30 years as a fan that I really don't care what happens with the Saints. Perfect season and Super Bowl win in the doom. Cool. 1-16 season. Cool. I just don't feel connected to the team anymore. Nothing else holds meaning to me anymore except my financial situation and failing job search.



I'm having financial difficulties and if my financial situation doesn't improve before long I'll have trouble paying my mortgage, meaning I'll have to sell or face foreclosure. I think I could live with the failure and moving into a small affordable apartment. But we have so much stuff and nowhere to put it, and the thought of disappointing my wife in this way is very very hard to stomach.



I've been looking for a better paying job feverishly for the past 3+ months. I've applied to about 300 different companies and counting. This last week I nearly landed a position that would've payed me a 70% increase over what I'm making now. They were going to offer me the job but I lost out at the last second to an internal applicant. This crushed me. I have another initial interview next Monday, but what does it matter? Something always manages to go wrong.


My startup started but it's not getting much attention. That takes a long, long time if it does happen. People's attention is just too divided these days. Any fantasies I had about it generating money to help out are now gone. I'm happy I did it and I had fun doing it. It was a fun pet project. But the bulk of that effort has run its course, and I don't know where to go from here. Scratch that - I have nowhere to go from here.




Because the government also seems to think I'm "so rich", I'm also expected to pay nearly $1,000 a month in FAFSA loans for my daughters' college education. My dad paid for my college back in the day and I was told 6 years ago that the FAFSA was such an ideal option. Now I qualify for zero assistance or flexibility that other borrowers get. But I've been reading that if I die, then the entire loan balance is forgiven. So suicide is not just an option. It's perhaps the way the government is steering me toward.



Should I go somewhere like a behavioral center to seek treatment/assistance? My wife suggested it the other day. I'm not sure. I don't want to take away resources from someone who is younger and has brighter prospects. At 52 I've already lived too long and made too many mistakes that are becoming exponentially more difficult to overcome. There are other people that are a more worthy cause. In high school I had a classmate who killed himself and I wasn't in much better shape than he was back then. 35 years later, I'm thinking he might have had the right idea after all.



Ironically, there is a dead tree in the middle of my yard that the city is insisting I get pulled. So I've had to contract the work and it'll cost about 2k and the expense will go straight on my credit card. That's about the only thing I still have going for me: credit limit.



But that dying tree - it's right outside my window here as I type - is becoming a metaphor for my life. It needs to be removed swiftly. People don't want to sit and watch me slowly decay. These prospective employers don't want me - they want me to be gone for good.


On September 11, the night of that job rejection, I nearly resumed drinking after 15 years and 2 months of sobriety. I instead smashed some of my wife's bottles. I'd honestly rather take my life than take a drink. None of this disease of despair bull****. I'd prefer cyanide or a fall from hundreds of feet onto concrete. Be gone with swiftness and closure. Just like the tree.



Anyone with links to obtaining cyanide, please let me know. Options are good.

AsylumGuido

You are needed and important. Do as your wife suggested.

Dial 988 now. It is the suicide & crisis lifeline. Talk to them. Please.

iceshack149

Holy smokes, neugey. I hate hearing about this. I wish that the Saints could help take your mind off things a little as a reprieve from the stress of life but your problems require a more desperate focus.
I've gone to counseling before and didn't enjoy the first steps but it did indeed help get me through.
Please, as your friend I'm asking that you get some help. Don't do anything stupid and stay the hell away from the bottle.

You can pm me at anytime and I'd be glad to talk to you.

Halo

neugey, check your PM's

jnormand

Life is ****in tough sometimes brother. But you gotta fight back! Don’t grab that bottle and don’t stop trying! You will succeed if you keep fighting. Check your PMs and don’t quit. Your family and friends need you.

leilung

No one should feel like they're alone in struggling. Ever. This goes for anyone reading this who finds themselves in a dark place.

Feel free to send me a PM and reach out to me offline. All bull**** aside. Let's real talk.

Mr.Riaton

Man I know we don’t know each other but please, please don’t do it. I’ve lost two people close to me over suicide. There’s always a way out brother, I promise.

Boston Saint

Neugey, it’s brave of you to open up and share. Thank you. Please do as others have suggested and call for someone to talk to. Things can get better.

4everSaint

Man. Please don't do anything. I've had some rough patches before brother. Believe me.

But think about that little girl of yours. She may be in college but she's still your little girl. I know because I have a girl.

I only have a couple of questions about your situation. Are you currently employed and above your means and trying to supplement with your side business?

Or, are you unemplyed? If so, get on unemployment. No shame in that. I've done it in the past.

It can't rain all the time. And even though you feel stuck. It WILL get better. Life is always in motion. Nothing stays the same forever.

If you need to talk for real I can send you my phone number if you want it. I'll be glad to listen to whatever you have to say.

jonnyrotten

Brother, i am very sorry to hear of your struggles and I am also very thankful that you are courageous enough to share. Though we may not know each other personally i am very confident in saying that your family would not want you to stop fighting for them. Your role for them, is never about what you do or how much you make, it is how much you love them and lead them. As a fellow husband and father, you are critical, more than you could know for your wife and daughter(s).

This world is hard and we are not guaranteed happiness or ease but we are guaranteed the Love of God and the possibility of an eternal relationship with Him. I have a tattoo on my arm as a reminder to that "..our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all, so we fix our eyes on what is unseen, not what is seen. For what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternal." That is from 2 Corinthians 4:17-18.

I will pray for you and your family, i will ask the Lord to comfort you, to hold you close and to bless your job search my friend.