tombenson

It’s been a rough morning.

I’m a little hung over. Phil and I were living it up at the Penthouse Club last night. We even took a couple of the girls back to our suite at the beautiful, La Mansion Del Rio. After shooting tequila and downing a handful of viagara, we began holding one-on-one auditions for potential Saintsations. Our criteria included any two of the following: 1) 3 years of dance, 2) Ability to follow directions; and, 3) No gag reflex.

We had a blast. Phil’s still passed out. HEY, PHIL! WAKE UP! I’M TALKING TO THE PEOPLE IN NEW ORLEANS!!! ANYTHING TO SAY?

Phil says he’s deader than a St. Bernard nursing home resident.

OH, now, Phil, that’s just wrong. That’s completely inappropriate! Why don’t you try again and be a little nicer?

Phil says, he’s sorry that so many of your welfare checks got washed away.

BWAH HA HA HA! Phil, you’re too much, baby. TOO MUCH! Nothing but love.

Well, my little empty wallets, it’s only a few more days until we’ll be seeing each other once again. I’m anticipating quite the hostile reaction to my presence in Tiger Stadium. My advisors tell me to expect lots of booing, some nasty signs, and I even hear that there will be flyers at Tiger Stadium depicting me as the devil that read “Satantonio.� Now of course, all this animosity towards the owner will only make it easier for me to make an arguement for relocation to San Antonio. So, I say simply…bring it on!

However the funniest thing I’ve heard thus far has been this group of idiots who’ve hired an airplane to fly a banner over Tiger Stadium with a message aimed at Paul Tagliabue reading:

"Mr. Tagliabue: SOS - Save our New Orleans Saints."

I laughed my butt off! You people must be breathing in a lot of mold if you think Paul Tagliabue cares about New Orleans!

Look, let me give you some inside info on Taglia-jew. For years, he’s targeted the Saints for a move out of New Orleans and into a bigger market. Prior to Katrina, he openly stated that he wouldn’t attempt to block a Saints move out of New Orleans. All those times I threatened to move this team, and you don’t think I was getting any pressure from the league office?!? Have you people never heard of revenue sharing? Hell, I had to sell Tagliabue on the $186 million state subsidy that I pried from Mike Foster’s chocolate-smeared fingers.
By the way, Mike Foster is one of the grossest human beings walking the planet, and negotiating with him made me physically nauseous. He always smelled of ham and he had the world’s worst facial hair. When you see him up close, his mouth looks like an ill-groomed vagina.

Anyway, I know Paul is a little worried about the bad press the NFL would receive if the Saints were to move to San Antonio. But, what really steams Tagliabue is that the move would be from one small market to another.

Now, if I were to say, “Paul, I’d like to move to Los Angeles� not only would Tagliabue buy the ticket, he’d personally pack my suitcase. Paul is busting his butt to get a franchise in L.A. You’d think the mayor of Los Angeles had a picture of Paul doing a line of coke off of Kate Moss’ left nipple. Oh, and, when the move was announced, Paul would praise me in the press as the owner who wanted nothing more than to stay in New Orleans, but was reluctantly forced to relocate. Oh, trust me, people. If I decide to go to L.A., you’ll have to hand Tagliabue a bottle of Hidden Valley because he’ll be tossing my salad in front of a national audience, baby!

So, in closing, the only signs Paul Tagliabue pays attention to are dollar signs. If you really wish to keep the Saints in New Orleans, you’d be better off changing that banner on the airplane to read:

“Tom Benson has a 12 inch penis!�

You do that, and I’ll guarantee you another 5 years of the NEW ORLEANS Saints.

Sincerely,

Tom Benson

TheDeuce

This is like poetry... with lots of cursing and taunting....

Classic.

TheGambler

This guy is good...

SCARY good.

You're actually doing a BETTER job than the Vince McMahon impersonator from Hyatte's column. The part about the "ill groomed vagina" and "Hidden Valley" was awesome!