Tuesday, November 5, 2003

Metairie, LA (AP)

Staff

Apparently a few members of the Saints coaching staff opted for a bit too much jubilance in the wake of an upset of the world champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Police dispatchers received a call around 12:30 am Tuesday morning reporting strange noises emanating from the team’s facility in Metairie. “We arrived on the scene,� reported a responding officer, “and the place was dead quiet, but all the lights were on.� The confused officers found the door to the facility ajar, and proceeded to search the premises.

What they found may haunt them for the rest of their lives.

“I’m a big fan. Have been all my life,� mumbled the second responding officer as he recounted his experience. “I just don’t know if I’ll ever be able to watch a Saints game ever again.�

The impetus for the despondent officer’s comments was the sight of two partially disrobed Saints assistants, Mike McCarthy and Rick Venturi, passed out among a scattering of empty bottles, packages of flavored drink and tattered remnants of team playbooks.

“They looked like they’d been out for hours. And the stench… oh my god.�

Early reports indicate that the two had mixed packets of the flavored sports drink, 8er-Aid with a new malt liquor, Who-Tang. Neither of the coaches was available for comment, but both were taken to Memorial Hospital by paramedics.

DNA tests at the hospital revealed that McCarthy had been impregnated during the encounter. Apparently the embryo is overweight and refusing to stay at the team hotel.

Reached for comment early this morning, head coach Jim Haslett stated that the child would be placed on waivers upon delivery.