Jack Vegas

See previous thread for disclaimers, I ain't got time to be repeating myself yo.

2nd quarter, Saints ball

2nd and 5, 15:00 It's a play-action. Surprisingly, not a single Rams player bites. Perhaps Griffin needs to work on his fakes? Nobody open, but Griffin could've stepped up in the pocket and waited for somebody to get open or run. Instead he takes off to the right and gets hit for no gain.

3rd and 5, 14:53 Brandin Cooks runs a very nice route to get open about 3 yards past the first down marker, but Griffin throws it at the ground about 4 feet short of him, Donovan McNabb-style. (Is it still considered racist to point out that McNabb kinda sucked? Because he kinda did.) Bad series of plays for Griffin who had been looking really good before the quarter break.

4th and 5, 14:49Real nice punt by Morstead to the corner. Great coverage by Trevin Wade and Josh Hill, Wade makes the tackle behind the 20.

Rams ball

1st and 10, 14:something, I forgot to chart it It's a power run but Akiem Hicks is like "uh, uh, not today." He throws the guard away like a used styrofoam cup and slams the RB down for a no-gain. Hicks is a baaaaaad man. Haralson also was in position to make the play.

2nd and 10, 13:55 Everybody gets pushed back at first, Hicks slides off his guy and slows down the runner just enough for Lofton to come in and finish him off. Really nice play considering the Rams seemed to dominate the line of scrimmage.

3rd and 8, 13:15 Disguised bump-and-run coverage here. Vacarro sees the crossing pattern open up and jumps all over it to swat the pass down. Great instincts, great speed, great everything by Vaccaro on this play. What a studmuffin.

4th and 8, 13:11Nice high, long punt, Cooks fair catches which is a smart move. Saints have great field position at their own 39.

1st and 10, 13:02 Two WR stacked right, with Cooks directly behind Toon. Cooks drags across the formation and catches a 3 yard pass but 2 Rams DBs are waiting for him. Nice zip on the throw from Griffin though and as I said once before 3 yards is better than nothing. He had nowhere else to go.

2nd and 7, 12:30 Second-string O-line strikes again. Or rather, does not strike again since Thomas Welch and Matt Armstrong both block nobody. This kinda sucks for Khiry Robinson, who just so happens to be trying to run the ball behind those two guys. He gets hit in the backfield, but does his Khiry Robinson magic and somehow gets back to the line of scrimmage.

3rd and 7, 11:53 Two TE's, singleback. I am really starting to love this formation, which we first starting seeing a lot in the playoffs last year. Josh Hill runs over the middle and Griffin hits him with A FREAKING HEAT-SEEKING MISSILE. I'm saying it now, Griffin's arm is very Aaron Rodgers-like when he needs to put some rotation on the ball. Hill catches the pass, the Ram DB trailing him misses on the swat. Hill makes a beautiful head-fake on a second defender, who fell down on his face and probably embarrassed his momma. Hill then heads to the far sideline, picks up a decent block from Joe Morgan and gets to the 5. Unfortunately Toon blocks somebody in the back which was pretty unnecessary and dumb on his part. We lose about 15 yards since it's spot of the foul. Still a really nice play from Hill who shows great run-after-catch ability.

1st and 10, 11:30 Really nice pocket by the line. Griffin doesn't have much so he drops it off to Khiry. Khiry does his Khiry magic again for a 9 yard gain. You have to love the way that kid runs especially now that he's got the long hair flying all over the place.

2nd and 1, 10:45 The Saints are in the "Slap Ya Mama" red zone. Slap Ya Mama is a Cajun seasoning blend, you know the kind: garlic, red pepper, onion, salt, paprika, etc. I am actually from the very small town where Slap Ya Mama originated and now it's sold all over the country. Who knew that anything coming from Bayou Chicot, La would ever be so popular? (except for the shrimp po-boy at Tom's Fried Chicken. OMG) Back to Slap Ya Mama. I remember the kids of the family who "invented" the stuff would pour all the ingredients in big wooden barrels and then roll the barrels up and down the hill to mix it up. I guess that was cool with the FDA. Anyway, put some Slap Ya Mama on your mac-n-cheese or whatever, it's pretty great stuff.

Oh yeah, the Saints are playing. Sorry. Thomas Welch false starts here. Stinchcomb tries to make an excuse that he "sneezed." Maybe Welch got a little Slap Ya Mama up in his nose or something. Or maybe he just sucks. Based on his performance so far my guess is the latter.

2nd and 6, 10:28 Cadet was open across the middle, Griffin missed badly, but defensive holding/automatic first down for us.

1st and 10, 10:14 Well-thrown deep ball to the corner of the end zone from Griffin. Cooks is there, but the DB blatantly pushes him out of bounds. This appears to be textbook pass interference and the official is standing right on top of it. I know corners are allowed to use the sideline as leverage, but you can't just straight-up push the receiver off the field. Blown call here and could've maybe been a TD.

2nd and 10, 10:09 Screen to Cadet. Goodwin gets out to the edge and makes a nice block. Marcel Jones is supposed to be leading the way but two Rams defenders get underneath him. Kind of lazy on Marcel's part, this will not endear him to SP. Still Cadet picks up around 6 yards and a good piece of running on his part. I like Cadet a lot.

3rd and 4, 9:40 Quick slant/in to Cooks, who catches the ball past the first down marker between two Rams DB's inside the 5. This is one of those plays that shows you Cooks is a real WR who will go over the middle and make the tough plays. Not just a gadget guy.

1st and goal, 8:55 Austin Johnson drops the pass at the 1 yard line. He likely wouldn't have made it in anyway with 3 Rams camped out there.

2nd and goal, 8:34 Johnson redeems himself with another big-time block at the goal line. Khiry skips into the end zone untouched and spikes the ball in the end zone so hard it bounces out of the Rams crappy stadium. Griffin, who is also freaking FIRED UP, runs into the end zone and hits Khiry in the head a bunch of times. Good thing he was wearing a helmet, but I like the enthusiasm.

Extra point Doink. Uh, Shayne Graham, you got a rookie trying to steal your job and this won't help. Yes, I know there won't be 33-yard extra points in the regular season. But there might be 33-yard field goals. Just ask the guy you replaced last season, he missed a whole bunch of 'em.

Commercial break We're back from commercials and there's a real douche-bag in a Jimmy Graham jersey flexing his biceps at the camera. Yeah, guy, you're so tough you're wearing a shirt with another dude's name on it. And tribal tattoos went out of style like 10 years ago. Sit down, you're embarrassing us.

Kickoff Coverage team sucked real bad here. Thank goodness for Josh Hill who for the second or third time makes a big play on STs with the help of Corey White. Could've been a touchdown, Rams ball.

1st and 10, 8:23 Rams #46 must have an invisibility cloak because we keep leaving him uncovered. Takes a little dump off and gets 9 yards. Also, Brandon Deaderick is penalized for illegal use of hands, something my wife has accused me of in bed more than a few times. At least she didn't throw a little yellow flag at me for it.

1st and 10, 8:04 I see a white guy wearing #43, attempting poorly to cover somebody and suddenly its 2008 again and I'm yelling at the TV screen "Kaesviharn you suck!!!!" I then realize it's actually 2014 and #43 is Vinnie Sunseri, but he probably can't cover worth a darn either. It's an easy completion and first down on a crossing pattern to Lance Kendricks. In fairness Kendricks is a good talent and the play was pretty well-designed.

1st and 10, 7:30Can't read my writing too good here, but something to the effect of "Tyrunn Walker totally kicked somebody's ass" and apparently the Rams only got 2 yards

2nd and 8, 6:52 Ronald Powell is in the game, and he screws up real bad getting turned around by the RB in zone coverage. Humber cleans up the mess but the Rams are 3rd and short.

3rd and 1, 6:20 Saints d-line seemed to have this play all bottled up but the Rams RB makes an insane spin move off a tackle in the backfield and makes 3 yards out of it.

1st and 10, 6:10 This is Stanley Jean-Baptiste's "welcome to the NFL, kid" moment. He actually has decent coverage on Stedman Bailey but doesn't turn his head around. It's supposed to be a back-shoulder throw, but it is thrown poorly. Bailey catches it anyway for a TD because Baptiste doesn't look for the ball. XP good. 14-9 Rams.

Kickoff Cadet in the end zone, touchback.

Commercial break We're back after a few short message from our sponsors, and it's time to introduce the world to Terron Armstead via a poorly conceived interview, courtesy of your crack (or crackhead) Cox Sports team. Armstead apparently likes pizza, Martin Lawrence and freestyle rapping. Ugh. Good thing the kid can play left tackle because he sure isn't interesting.

1st and 10, 5:55 Mark Ingram is so annoyed by Armstead's dorky bio that he decides to take it out on some Ram defensive players. Nice tough 5-yard run with another big lead block from the always-sassy Austin Johnson.

2nd and 5, 5:30 Griffin drops it off to Cadet in the flat, who picks up an easy 8 yards. Cadet may not be Darren Sproles, but I think he's going to catch a ****-ton of passes this year.

1st and 10, 5:00 Griffin is immediately on the run with two Ram blitzers in his face. He sort of runs out of the pocket and chunks it downfield. This really should've been intentional grounding, there's no way he was outside the tackle box. Not that I'm complaining.

2nd and 10, 4:55 I can't read my own writing again, sorry. I had a few drinks earlier. Somebody got 9 yards on this play.

3rd and 2, 4:30 Make that 8, but it doesn't really matter. Moving pocket to the right, Griffin hits Toon on a quick out. Same play as the 2 point conversion to Lance Moore in XLIV, first down. Nice job by Toon to stretch across the first-down line.

1st and 10, 4:01 Jeff Fisher challenges the spot of the previous play, despite the fact it's very clear Toon had the yardage. Thanks for wasting all of our time, Jeff. You're a real pal.

1st and 10, 3:51 Ingram engages beast mode, bursting through a hole off right tackle and spinning away from another Rams linebacker who ends up with a faceful of dirt (or little black rubber pellets, in this case). Great bit of open-field running by Ingram. Also great blocks by #83 Nic Jacobs, #71 Jason Weaver, and my newest mancrush Josh Hill.

1st and 10, 3:26 It's a go route, but Griffin overthrows Joe Morgan, who is trying to get his football career going after a Hall-of-Fame career playing second base for the Cincinnati Reds.

2nd and 10, 3:20 Joe Morgan shows off his Gold Glove skills, hauling in a pass from Toon and running for another few yards for a 13-yard-gain and a first down.

1st and 10, 2:44 Ingram is all like "Watch this bros" and finds a cutback lane. Power, vision and speed on this play. Yet another nice block by Josh Hill, who is absolutely dreamy; and Cooks who shows some nice hustle to get downfield and get in somebody's way while Ingram trots into the end zone like a haughty racing stallion. Touchdown.

Extra point Derek Dimke shows the old man how it's done. 16-14 Saints.

Kickoff He who hesitates is lost, and Tre Mason is definitely lost. Can't figure out whether or not he wants to take it out of the end zone or not, eventually does and is buried by Ramon Humber. Get used to seeing Humber's name from now on, because he will be absolutely EVERYWHERE.

1st and 10, 2:32 Humber nails the RB just behind the line, short loss.

2nd and 11, 2:00 Tavon Austin catches a 7-yard in and is promptly tackled by Humber.

3rd and 4, 1:55 Another short pass to Austin who gets past the first-down line. He is tackled by Humber.

Between plays we learn that Stanley Jean-Baptiste knowingly pronounces his name incorrectly. Why? The French-sounding "Jean" is so elegant. Stanley Gene sounds like a rednecky dude who fixes lawnmowers and drinks Old Milwaukee.

1st and 10, 1:52 Humber gets through the line on a blitz, forces a really bad decision by the Rams QB who is wearing #5 and has two names that start with G. I don't know. Good grief, when is this half going to be over? On the back side of the pass, Pierre Warren jumps on the throw and should've had the pick but it bounced off his hands.

2nd and 10, 1:47 Defensive holding, auto first down.

1st and 10, 1:42 Draw delay to RB. Guess who. Yeah, that's right. It's Ramon, and he wants to know who will not wear the ribbon (that's an obscure Seinfeld reference at 3 a.m., I think I am losing my mind)

2nd and 7, 1:37 Humber, Humber, Humber. Tackles Ram ballcarrier, who was someone else's blown assignment, just short of the first-down line.

3rd and 1, 1:31 Rams needed one, they got 2. Surpisingly, Humber was NOT in on the tackle, but I forgot to write down who was. I'll just credit it to Josh Hill, to whom I will soon be mailing creepy stalkerish love letters and chocolate chip cookies.

1st and 10, oh....who cares OK, I'm tired. Here's the deal for the rest of the half. Humber makes about 19 more plays, Sunseri sucks in coverage one more time, we generally look like crap on defense (except for Humber) and the Rams kick a field goal right before the half.

Thanks for coming, good night and God Bless.

dizzle88

Haha very good read

I have a feeling Josh hill may be filing a restraining order against you soon mate lol

xan

Don't knock Old Milwaukee. It uses the best organic formaldehyde of any regionally named mass market beer.

Utah_Saint

Great recap Jack. Thanks for posting these.

Danno

Most excellent!

Rugby Saint II

Now I can read the recap while I watch the game. This should be entertaining. Thanks for the hard work.

Papa Voodoo

Was Flabby Hamster in during the second quarter?