WhoDat!656

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church Beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

SmashMouth

The Baton Rouge Zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right next him was a lions cage.

While he was running around chanting like a gorilla and swinging on the cage rails, they broke and he fell into the lions cage.

He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me" as the lion got closer.

The Lion ran to him and said "Shut the hell up or you’re gonna get us both fired!"

44Champs

After my accident, I woke up in the hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.
"You may not feel anything from the waist down," she said.
"Fair enough," I replied and felt her breasts.

XLIV CHAMPS

foreverfan

You have to listen to this song and notice how well the bird dances to it.
Oh yea... the lyrics are great!! No doubt you will love it.

WhoDat!656

A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.

Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.

The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and waited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.

In a state of shock, the bookie went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won.

Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance.

Now, thanks to you, I've lost every cent of my savings!'

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

"You are not Catholic are you my son?"

"No, I'm Jewish"

"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing, and last rites"

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

Harlow was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot.

Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lottamoney!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

foreverfan

$1000 Trump Dollar!!! Get this for Christmas Presents.

Great gift for college kids. Pays off their school loans faster than Bernie.

44Champs

Me: I'm not saying anything without my lawyer present

Cop: But you are a lawyer

Me: So where's my present?

XLIV CHAMPS

foreverfan

foreverfan