dam1953

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it?

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why the were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was "Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! I'm like Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

”It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” Charles Darwin

foreverfan

WhoDat!656

A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.

Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.

The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and waited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race.

In a state of shock, the bookie went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won.

Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance.

Now, thanks to you, I've lost every cent of my savings!'

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

"You are not Catholic are you my son?"

"No, I'm Jewish"

"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing, and last rites"

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

Harlow was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot.

Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lottamoney!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

WhoDat!656

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a barstool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English – they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender. "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

"A Veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life."

st thomas

My lite just clicked on . Got it lol

dam1953

Friends - please be careful.
Yesterday I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, followed by a few cocktails, followed by a few shots...

I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit.

That's when I decided to do what I have never done before. I took a cab home.

Sure enough, there was a police road block on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it from and, now that it is in my garage, I don't know that to do with it.

”It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” Charles Darwin

foreverfan

$1000 Trump Dollar!!! Get this for Christmas Presents.

Great gift for college kids. Pays off their school loans faster than Bernie.

44Champs

Me: I'm not saying anything without my lawyer present

Cop: But you are a lawyer

Me: So where's my present?

XLIV CHAMPS

foreverfan