Re: Joke of the Day
 

A man storms into the bedroom drunk one night holding a sheep under his arm while his wife is reading in bed.

He announces "This is the pig I've been sleeping with whenever you're not around!l

His wife says "Ha! You drunken idiot! That's not a pig - it's a sheep!"

He replies "Shut up Pig - I was talking to the sheep!"

Re: Joke of the Day
 

More texting fails

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Why Grandfathers are different:

Have you ever wondered what is the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. “Not really, Papa, it was boring.

We didn't see a single a-hole, queer, piece of sh.t, horse's ass, socialist left wing Obama-lover, blind bastard, dip****, Muslim camel humper or son of a bietch anywhere we went! We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun.”

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? :bng:

Re: Joke of the Day
 

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE......


1. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.

2. Money cannot buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes then on a bicycle.

3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they are in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive today because it's illegal to shoot the SOBs.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.


I HOPE THIS HELPS YOU IN YOUR DAILY LIFE!!

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Today I was beaten up by a woman . . .

I was in the elevator when this busty lady got in.
I was staring at her boobs, when she said, “Would you please press 1?”

So I did.

I don't remember much afterwards... :shock:

Re: Joke of the Day
 

CHRISTMAS HUMOR

http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue...s%20humor.jpeg
http://fiz-x.com/wp-content/uploads/...or-image-6.jpg
http://americanandproud.net/wp-conte...or-image-1.jpg

http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:A...2fKZHRrCFBwKMm

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stood up and proclaimed, 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, .... I will give him sex!'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?... as Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies,

'Well , I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,......'Screw him!' :annoy:

Re: Joke of the Day
 

More Christmas humor

Re: Joke of the Day
 

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans, Arkansans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore,
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
BREASTED AMERICAN. '

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'

Re: Joke of the Day
 

A blonde driving her car became lost in a snowstorm.

She didn’t panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her…. “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.”

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.

She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.

She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?”