neugey

Preface - thanks you guys for being awesome, and sorry when I miss my B&G PM's. I'll try to get in a better habit of checking them!

Now onto more serious matters.

I wish I could say things are better since I posted my "suicide note" - https://blackandgold.com/saints/1041...cide-note.html (Woulda coulda shoulda suicide note) about 4 months ago. But they just took an immediate turn for the worse this week.

On Monday, I was unexpectedly terminated from my job after 2 months of working for this new company. Ironically, it occurred on the same day NFL coaches usually get fired. So what I expected to be an afternoon of occasionally checking such headlines on ESPN turned into my manager's boss Mark scheduling an impromptu "check-in" meeting at 2PM and by "check-in" he meant using a Zoom call to fire me.

I never received any direct indication that there were serious concerns with my job performance or contributions. I was dismissed without any warning or probation period. Never had a performance review. The reasons he gave? He said they didn't do a good enough job evaluating my abilities during the interview process. I don't agree with this as I felt they did okay, and I was transparent about my technology strengths and weaknesses coming into
the position. Another thing that came up is my manager was apparently claiming it was taking too long to train me and correct my work. It was said I was becoming a "burden" and it would take too long to get me up to speed. What I told Mark in response is that I took an independent approach and rarely interrupted my manager or pulled him away from what he was doing. My manager in general seemed to be irritated about doing my code reviews and correcting my work. He often had some good feedback, which I thanked him for and put into action. But at times it seemed like he was splitting hairs. His critiques often also came along with generalized attacks. He'd say my work was "overly complicated" or totally wrong. I was chastised for approaches that were realistically similar, but just not how he wanted it done. When things were not done to his liking, he showed little patience and near-zero flexibility. Nonetheless, I told myself this guy wasn't the only bad boss in the world, and was putting in the effort to mesh with his style. But then the termination happened. What I've now learned is there's just no way to adapt to a black-belt narcissist.

I was also lied to during the interview process and hired under false pretenses. Mark had said I'd be joining
a software team with two other engineers and my manager. This was a "growth" position. All of them were listed to attend my coding interview. But one of the engineers was not present. On my first week of work, it became apparent this engineer was no longer with the company - for whatever reason as everyone was being very vague and I decided not to pry. What I have since found out is they abruptly fired this engineer for no good reason sometime during my interview process. So they threw him under the bus thinking I was the second coming of Christ possibly. Mark also then asked if I knew any other engineers looking for work. I have an old friend I used to work with (Jeff) at Wells Fargo 10+ years ago so I gave them his name and they interviewed him. Fortunately, Jeff decided during the tech interview my manager's style wasn't for him and withdrew himself from consideration. He dodged the bullet I got and I wish I had been as perceptive. (Jeff since found a new job he's excited about)

More about the 2pm termination call from Mark. I asked Mark if there was any consideration for a trial period, or moving to another role within the company. He adamantly rejected these questions and insisted the termination was immediate. There was no interest in hearing my view of what I was contributing to the team. During the Zoom call, he also shut down my work email and various work account. As I'm talking to him most of my apps and browser tabs are literally logging out for good in front of my face.

Another thing that's in progress is that they never paid me for my first 4 days of work. I'm advising them of this and asking for this amount to be included in my final paycheck, along with some severance pay. We'll see where this goes. If they're not fair with me on this I'll be retaining a lawyer.

The last few days have been a whirlwind. I contacted my manager from my previous job but unfortunately my position there is already filled and they don't have budget to bring me back until maybe next year. So I'm at ground zero. Yesterday I got most of my unemployment setup. Last night I felt somewhat better and inside I felt like the anger from this employment betrayal was fueling me. My wife is now very flexible with her job situation (she's been a work from home nurse recently) and we may sell our house and relocate to a different city if needed.

But this morning as I was in the shower, all the unanswered questions just boomeranged back at me. Did anyone in the company object or have concerns that I was dismissed, especially considering I was only there 2 months? Am I losing my talents as a programmer and falling out of touch? Was I ever any good for the almost 30 years that I've been working? Does my paycheck matter more than my life? Does my life have any value? Could I make my death have more value?

This led me into a very depressed state this morning. I talked to my wife about how I was feeling and it helped. But soon after she was sending me job links to my phone while I'm there lying in bed fantasizing about finding my manager wherever he is in Utah and taking a baseball bat to him, making every swing count and "unburdening" him. I don't want this company to change their ways. I want them to feel pain. Thoughts of getting even, whatever that could look like in my life, are a big thing that is keeping me going.

I think that's about it. I'm technically available for the Saints HC position, and I'm pretty sure I'm an improvement over Dennis Allen. But I've been disparaging Loomis for too long to have realistic shot. Nonetheless, if you could put in a good word for me on Airline Drive I'd appreciate the help.