tombenson

Greetings my little ATM machines,

It is I, the new king of San Antonio, baby! There’s me, and there’s Davy Crockett. Phil even suggested yesterday that, after I officially announce the Saints relocation to San Antonio, we could ride around in the flatbed of a Chevy Silverado wearing coonskin caps and carrying muskets. We’d call ourselves “the NEW heroes of San Antonio!� We laughed our butts off!!! Phil is simply hilarious. Oh, and, if you’re interested in a Chevy Silverado or perhaps a 2006 Tahoe, visit the good people at Benson Chevrolet at 9400 San Pedro Avenue in San Antonio, Texas. Wonderful deals for a wonderful people! Ha!!! Who needs Arnie Fielkow? I’m a marketing genius!!

Which brings me to the point of my visit. I have decided to use this internet forum as an opportunity to speak directly to you, the New Orleans Saints fans. Now, initially, I didn’t know what an “internet� was, but my granddaughter Rita filled me in (She’s going to make a fine owner one day). Having heard the slanderous and misinformed things New Orleanians have said in reference to my character and competence, I decided to use the “internet� to properly respond to these baseless accusations because it allows me a safety valve in which to speak my mind. With its complete lack of credibility and an emphasis on anonymity, I can speak my mind, leaving you to wonder whether Tom Benson had really appeared on your insignificant, little “website.� And, the best part is that I don’t need to worry about yet another Paul Tagliabue phone call lecturing me on P.R. and sensitivity.

With that said, I’d like to ask just who the hell you slimy, little cockroaches think you are? Who are you to comment on my character? Who are you to attempt to direct my team? Who are you to tell me what I’m doing wrong? You are nothing, you know nothing, and you have no earthly clue what it takes to keep an NFL franchise competitive!

After all I’ve done for you people, how dare you?!? I’ve danced for you! You name me one other NFL owner that dances for the fans! You don’t see Jerry Jones cutting a rug after a Dallas win. You didn’t see Georgia Frontiere doing the Can-Can after the Rams won the Super Bowl (However, if she has enough egg nog at the NFL Owners’ Christmas party, she’ll dance the Charleston atop the bar at the Ritz-Carlton). My good buddy Red McCombs would call me up, and say, “Tom, you look like a damn fool out there! Shakin’ that damn umbrella like your Gene Kelly or something!�

I boogied for all the Who Dats, and you people turned on me! You called my greedy when I wanted my new stadium. You said I was a bloodsucker when I needed a $186 million state subsidy! You blamed me when we didn’t win, never once the coaches or the general manager, it was always Tom Benson! You’d call your little folk hero, Buddy D, and complain repeatedly. You people just couldn’t understand what a rebuilding year was. Well, now, New Orleans can learn all about rebuilding without the Saints!

You and your empty pocket books can feel free to whine all you want now. You’re all broke, homeless, and jobless and living in a city on the verge of bankruptcy. It’s about money, and you no longer have any. Therefore, I am done with you. However, if you choose to keep up the insults, I might just leak a story saying I’m sympathetic to New Orleans’ plight and have all of you run to Baton Rouge to plop down your unemployment checks in a futile effort to convince me that this wasteland of a city can support an NFL franchise. And, you’ll go. All of you will go. Even though you keep saying you’re tired of supporting a losing team and a greedy owner, you keep shoveling your kids’ college fund money into my pockets! A week doesn’t go by when I don’t pocket at least a million off of you hopeless souls who excel in supporting mediocrity! I’m so rich, I buy yachts with sofa change!

Well, mark my words, the last four games in Baton Rouge will be the last Louisiana ever sees. So keep whining! Keep groaning! Keep sobbing like a bunch of little girls! I just keep getting richer and richer off your pathetic tears! And there isn’t a thing you can do about it!!

You New Orleans fans are the dumbest bunch of suckers I’ve ever come across, and it has been my pleasure to relieve you of your money over the years!

And be sure to check out the New Orleans Saints vs. the Miami Dolphins this Sunday in Baton Rouge, LA at Tiger Stadium. Tickets on sale now! Come see Louisiana’s team return home to help support the Gulf Coast during these trying times. The Saints are only 3 games from .500, and are looking to turn a corner against Baton Rouge’s own, Nick Saban. So, come out and cheer your team, New Orleans. Call Ticketmaster and order your tickets today! Heh, who needs Fielkow.

Sincerely,

Tom Benson

TallySaint

Thanks, Mr. Fielkow. That was great!

TheGambler

You stole this format from the guy who used to pretend to be Vince McMahon in Hyatte's "Midnight News". From the "i want to speak directly to you, the fan"..........to "my little ATM machines".....to insulting the fans....and wrapping it up with "check out the game this Sunday" ("vince" would always encourage people to tune into Raw or whatever PPV was coming up). That being said, you did a pretty good job. That was a funny post.

Yeah, I get around the internet some.

CheramieIII

Hey Benson, send your granddaughter over I've got some money out of my little atm machine I can waste on her. Always wanted to see a donkey show up close and I know your family will do anything for money. Does the donkey have to wear a condom or does your granddaughter swallow?

papz

This sounds like the work of 08.

Funny post...

Halo

Classic