NFC East

Dallas Cowboys – If you’re a fan of a football team on which Chad Hutchinson and Quincy Carter are battling for the starting quarterback job, begin drinking immediately and heavily. To make matters worse, in his book The Final Season: My Last Year as Head Coach in the NFL (2000), 61-year-old Bill Parcells stated that “I don’t intend to be coaching when I’m 60.� So there’s a good chance he’ll just be standing there on the sidelines, staring off into space most days.

New York Giants – Ever the motivator, Giants coach Jim Fassel spent a large part of the offseason honing his emotional manipulation techniques. He reportedly took acting classes to learn how to look really sad and cry on demand, as well as spending some time with U.S. Special Ops forces in case his team’s performance warrants taking a hostage. “It’s like a game now,� said a team source. “We play crappy, he pulls out the cheap theatrics, we play better. It’s like dinner theater on steroids.�

Philadelphia Eagles – The Eagles leave behind Veterans Stadium, famous for severing the ligaments of players’ knees, and move to Lincoln Financial Field, a stadium named for a president that was shot in the head. “The City of Brotherly Love�? How about “The City of Wrenching Pain�?

Washington Redskins – Pressed for comment on the Redskins’ signing of four Jets in the offseason, a team official quipped, “We have one scout. He was supposed to be scouring the country for talent, but I’ve got 6,435 receipts for room service and cable porn that indicate he never left New York City. He apparently managed to make it to a few Jets games, though.�

NFC North
Chicago Bears – The Bears requested that the Green Bay Packers be their opponent in the first game at the newly renovated Soldier Field, despite the fact that the Packers have taken 16 of the last 18 from the Bears. Keep in mind, though, that the Bears also requested that Kordell Stewart be their quarterback and throw inexplicable, momentum-killing interceptions, so perhaps decision making is not the organization’s strong suit.

Detroit Lions – The Lions are winless away from home over the last two seasons. Hmmm, a Ford product that's just awful when you take it on the road. Well, that joke just wrote itself, now didn’t it? In an unrelated matter, I was recently surfing the Lions’ official site, where I learned that the team’s first head coach was named Potsy Clark. Wow. Brutal.

Green Bay Packers – When 7,123 people show up to watch the Packers’ offense play the Packers’ defense in a charity softball game, you’ve got to ask yourself, “How boring is Wisconsin, anyway?� In a football-related matter, the Packers reportedly sent a memo to fellow NFC North division members asking if they could be declared division champions now because, according to the memo, “…the rest of you guys suck pretty bad, and there’s really no point in anyone getting hurt.�

Minnesota Vikings – Team officials have reportedly insisted that head coach Mike Tice drop the “Randy Ratio� (the number of times the ball is thrown to Randy Moss) in favor of a “Win Some Damn Games Ratio.� The same officials also strongly suggested a “Be Prepared to Make a Draft Selection When It’s Our Turn Ratio� for next year’s draft.

NFC South
Atlanta Falcons – The Falcons got very little work done at their offseason mini-camps when large numbers of players threw up upon seeing the team’s new uniforms. On a related note, the Canadian Football League accidentally included the Falcons in their season schedule, confusing the new-look team for one of its own. In another related matter, the XFL has sued the Falcons, claiming that the defunct league holds intellectual property rights to “ugly-assed uniforms.� I’ll stop now. This could go on all day.

Carolina Panthers – On the team’s official website, there’s a recurring interview item with coach John Fox called “From the Foxhole.� I cannot tell you how much I wish his name were John Ass right now. Sadly, the bland-beyond-belief Panthers really don’t inspire any other comments.

New Orleans Saints – In perhaps the strangest move of the offseason, the entire Saints organization has converted to the ancient Mayan calendar to eliminate the possibility of ever having to play another game in the month of December. Commenting on media questions about the team’s second consecutive late-season collapse, a Saints official reportedly said, “What, like winnings games at the end of the year is the most important thing in the world? You guys are freakin’ idiots.�

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – While there’s nothing funny about ramming a car carrying your wife, your son, and your babysitter, Bucs running back Michael Pittman seems to have inadvertently given new meaning to the phrase “banging two women at the same time.� The Bucs won’t repeat as champs, mostly because nobody does but also because they don’t seem to be handling success all that well.

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals – In an unheralded move this offseason, the Cardinals petitioned league owners to expand the playoffs to include 28 teams, claiming that Cardinals players and coaches had the right to “walk the streets without people throwing bottles at them for never being able to make the playoffs.� Sadly, the petition was denied.

St. Louis Rams – Don’t be alarmed by the Rams’ chemistry-destroying signings of former Ram-basher Kyle Turley and safety Jason Sehorn, of whom coach Mike Martz once said, “I wish we could play Jason Sehorn every week. We’d run by his ass all the time.� Word out of St. Louis is that it could’ve been much worse. “Mad Scientist� Martz apparently seriously considered filling out half his roster with Islamic fundamentalists and the other half with Nazis “just to see what would happen.�

San Francisco 49ers – New coach Dennis Erickson brings a 31-33 lifetime NFL record to the Niners. In Seattle, his teams went 8-8, 7-9, 8-8, and 8-8. Conversely, Erickson is 144-57-1 in the college ranks. Translation? The 49ers should seriously consider applying for membership in the PAC-10, because they’ll probably finish at, oh, I don’t know, 8-8 every year under Erickson in the NFL.

Seattle Seahawks – The Seahawks have not won more than nine games since 1986, and there’s no indication that they’ll win more than nine before 2086. According to a team source, “We’re building up to it slowly. If you get too successful too soon, you just end up all messed up in the head. Look at Kurt Cobain.�