I'll try...

If the NFL hires Kenny Chesney to perform in the Super Bowl halftime show, Sean Payton will reciprocate by hiring Johnny Manziel to a contract to back up Brees with a good faith opportunity to replace him when Brees retires, as discussed at the private meeting between Payton and Manziel during the owners meetings several months ago.

How'd I do?

Utah, you must be some sort of FBI profiler or a British Code Breaker; do you have a high-fiber diet with lots of coffee and spend oodles of time at coffee houses with conspiracy theorists???

Nah, I just got a lotta crazy people in my family so I've had some experience with nut-job to English translation.

That should be a college course...

It is. You'll find it listed somewhere in the Political Science section...