A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."

Yesterday a man had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course he was a bit on edge because all his friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.......

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at him, a now very embarrassed man. But he recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,


'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I
DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

Good one!

This joke kinda hits home with me. My new job takes me to urology clinics in Charlotte and Winston Salem, NC, Gainesville, GA, Anniston, AL, Brookhaven and Oxford, MS, Osborne, KS (actually a hospital but they are so small it is the only CT in town...used for everything), Johnson City, TN, and soon to be way southern TX somewhere. Don't know why I felt you guys needed to know that much...but, you know me.

Anyway, I don't mind being on the side of the clinic that I'm on now...but I fear that someday I'm gonna be on the other side.

A new law recently passed in Alabama: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

These are really good ones that ya'll post. Very funny.

Here is one that is funny, but is not really a worst joke ever. I did not want to start a new thread .

Political humor. Bipartisan so lets not start a political board war. This is just for enjoyment.


Subject: FW: The Haircut
To:

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE
EXACT SAME
REASON!
--------- -------------

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.


After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The General manager is setting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!"

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted.


The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, he and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool.

The guy gets up on the lifeguard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says, "OK, the first person that swims across my pool will get all my money."

No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says, "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house."

Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes."

Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. "OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own."

"Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging.

Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on the tower jumps down and runs over to him.

"That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?"

"I don't want the money."

"Do you want the house now or later?"

"I don't want the house."

"Do you want the cars and planes now or later? "

"I don't want the cars or planes."

"Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?"

"I don't want that either."

"Do you want the drugs now or later?"

"I don't want the drugs."

"Do you want the girls now or later?"

"I don't want the girls."

The rich guy looks at him and says "Well, what the hell do you want?!?!"

"I want the bastard that pushed me in."

A little boy is playing with his model plane in the living room at home and his Mom is in the kitchen cooking.

The little boy is pretending to be a pilot bringing his plane in to land and his mother hears him make the landing announcement.

"All right you sorry $#@$% passengers! Sit the hell down, shut up and don't get the &^%$ up until I tell you too!"

The boy's mother comes into the room and tells her son that language like that is not used in her house and tells him to go to his room for a couple hours until he can play properly.

After a couple hours passes Mom calls the boy out and asks him if he thinks he can play properly?

The little boy says yes and Mom lets him resume playing with his plane as she goes back into the kitchen.

After a few minutes with his plane, the boy makes the following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlement we appreciate you flying with us today and hope your flight has been enjoyable. We hope the next time you fly you will include this airline in your travel plans. For those passengers pissed off about the 2 hour delay, talk to the ***** in the kitchen!!"

Good one!

How do you give a hillbilly a a cirumcision?

Kick his sister in the mouth!