neugey

Except for the 1 year reprieve I took during the kneeling issue, this is the first time in 30 years as a fan that I really don't care what happens with the Saints. Perfect season and Super Bowl win in the doom. Cool. 1-16 season. Cool. I just don't feel connected to the team anymore. Nothing else holds meaning to me anymore except my financial situation and failing job search.



I'm having financial difficulties and if my financial situation doesn't improve before long I'll have trouble paying my mortgage, meaning I'll have to sell or face foreclosure. I think I could live with the failure and moving into a small affordable apartment. But we have so much stuff and nowhere to put it, and the thought of disappointing my wife in this way is very very hard to stomach.



I've been looking for a better paying job feverishly for the past 3+ months. I've applied to about 300 different companies and counting. This last week I nearly landed a position that would've payed me a 70% increase over what I'm making now. They were going to offer me the job but I lost out at the last second to an internal applicant. This crushed me. I have another initial interview next Monday, but what does it matter? Something always manages to go wrong.


My startup started but it's not getting much attention. That takes a long, long time if it does happen. People's attention is just too divided these days. Any fantasies I had about it generating money to help out are now gone. I'm happy I did it and I had fun doing it. It was a fun pet project. But the bulk of that effort has run its course, and I don't know where to go from here. Scratch that - I have nowhere to go from here.




Because the government also seems to think I'm "so rich", I'm also expected to pay nearly $1,000 a month in FAFSA loans for my daughters' college education. My dad paid for my college back in the day and I was told 6 years ago that the FAFSA was such an ideal option. Now I qualify for zero assistance or flexibility that other borrowers get. But I've been reading that if I die, then the entire loan balance is forgiven. So suicide is not just an option. It's perhaps the way the government is steering me toward.



Should I go somewhere like a behavioral center to seek treatment/assistance? My wife suggested it the other day. I'm not sure. I don't want to take away resources from someone who is younger and has brighter prospects. At 52 I've already lived too long and made too many mistakes that are becoming exponentially more difficult to overcome. There are other people that are a more worthy cause. In high school I had a classmate who killed himself and I wasn't in much better shape than he was back then. 35 years later, I'm thinking he might have had the right idea after all.



Ironically, there is a dead tree in the middle of my yard that the city is insisting I get pulled. So I've had to contract the work and it'll cost about 2k and the expense will go straight on my credit card. That's about the only thing I still have going for me: credit limit.



But that dying tree - it's right outside my window here as I type - is becoming a metaphor for my life. It needs to be removed swiftly. People don't want to sit and watch me slowly decay. These prospective employers don't want me - they want me to be gone for good.


On September 11, the night of that job rejection, I nearly resumed drinking after 15 years and 2 months of sobriety. I instead smashed some of my wife's bottles. I'd honestly rather take my life than take a drink. None of this disease of despair bull****. I'd prefer cyanide or a fall from hundreds of feet onto concrete. Be gone with swiftness and closure. Just like the tree.



Anyone with links to obtaining cyanide, please let me know. Options are good.